All I Ask(15)

“I’m just…processing.”

“It was a lot today, huh?”

I look at Nina. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do you forgive me? I mean really forgive me for how I treated you in high school?”

Nina places her glass down. “Why would you ask that?”

Because I was a wretched bitch and I hate myself for it. I wish I could go back in time, change how I was and what I thought was acceptable behavior. There’s no excuse and if I were her, I would never be nice to me. Let alone be friends with me.

“We both know I wasn’t a good person.”

“You weren’t a bad person either. You were just around people who didn’t bring out the best in you, but you weren’t mean to me.”

I huff. “Yeah, okay.”

“You weren’t! You didn’t purposely go out of your way to be a bitch.”

“But I was a bitch and now Chastity is saying shitty things that remind me all too much of myself.”

“Now you’re being silly.” Nina rolls her eyes. “That girl doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. And I’m sorry, but what Derek’s daughter said to her warranted a response. She doesn’t know you or what you’ve been through and why say it? It was meant to provoke. Chastity is kind and didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”

I agree with her, but it’s still hard to see her getting in trouble for something even a little like I did. My regret regarding how I treated Nina and others is something I struggle with to this day.

“Still, I was not a great person and I want to say I’m sorry—again. I’m so sorry.”

Nina and I have had this talk many times. I know I’m not the same person I was back then. Not even close, and she’s over it, but there’s still times I feel her holding back. I don’t blame her. I wish I had a way to make it up to her. I should’ve never listened to my friends back then. I called her names and I’m not proud of my behavior.

I didn’t really change until I became friends with Derek.

“Stop apologizing, Tea. We were kids. You were not even half as mean as Lori or Kelly were. Those girls I’d like to see tarred and feathered, but you were kind.”

“When no one was looking.”

“You’re so upset with yourself at sixteen. The bigger question isn’t whether I’ve forgiven you.” Nina pauses, waiting for me to look at her. “It’s whether you’ve forgiven yourself.”

“I don’t know that I ever can.”

She touches my arm. “Then my forgiveness, which I granted you a million years ago, means nothing. None of us are like that anymore. It would be ridiculous to hold on to all that for this long. Plus, you’ve atoned for your mistakes, don’t you think?”

“Just…it feels like time is going in reverse.”

“Because Derek is back?”

That’s probably exactly why. I see him and now I’m thrown back in time. How we would sneak out, hang out at the beach for hours talking about a future neither of us ever lived.

Derek made me believe I was good.

He made it sound so easy to leave behind the parts of myself I didn’t like. When I was with him, I felt…real.

I didn’t have to hide my fears because he didn’t make me.

Now he’s back and everything inside of me is unsettled.

“You should’ve seen him, Nina,” I say with a wistful sigh. “He was…the same and then not.”

“I can’t believe his wife died. Do you know how?”

“I don’t. We didn’t really talk much.”

She squeezes my hand. “You guys have a lot that probably needs to be said. You know, like how you were in love with him and he broke you.”

Each time I thought the time was right, it wasn’t. I was with Keith. He was with some other girl. Then, when I was finally ready, I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t care about his relationship with Meghan because it was supposed to be me. At least, that’s what I thought. I was young, dumb, and naive, but I wanted that. I felt like, if he could just see me as more than a friend, the rest would be so easy. It was right there in front of us.

Then, everything in my world came to a halt.

“There’s really nothing to say anymore.”

“Really?”

“What exactly would I say at this point? Hi, I was in love with you since I was seventeen but I was too big of a chicken shit to ever tell you and see if you felt the same way. Then, you broke my heart in a million fucking pieces when you married Meghan.” I sigh with a shake of my head. “He chose her, Nina. He knew…he had to have known. There’s no way he didn’t see that I was madly in love with him.”

She leans back, watching me as tears start to form. “So you think he knew and didn’t care?”

The tidal wave of emotion crashes over me. The current is so strong and the more I fight against it, the more it’s pulling me under. Right now, my legs are tired from kicking, trying to get out for the last thirteen years.

“No. He chose who he wanted in his life, which says everything I already knew…I wasn’t the one.”





Chapter Eight