A Walk Along the Beach(84)

Willa turned and looked pointedly at me. “Sean already has his answer. He knows what I want.”

Her words hung in the air like a time bomb.

“It looks like you’ve got everything squared away here. I’ll be waiting at the apartment.”

Having said that, she walked out and gently closed the door.





CHAPTER 32





Willa


I had to credit Sean with being persistent. He was a man of his word. Every morning, right around ten, he showed up at Bean There and ordered a mocha.

As much as possible, I let Lannie, my new hire, wait on him. He never complained, never asked for me personally. He purchased his drink, sat down at one of the few tables until he’d finished, and then he’d leave.

The weather was turning stormy with the approach of winter, so I didn’t walk along the beach nearly as often as I had shortly after we lost Harper. Coming to grips with the loss of my sister was never going to be easy, but as the days and weeks passed, I slowly discovered that I could breathe again. As much as I would have preferred to shut myself in a closet and wallow in my grief, life went on. I had responsibilities, commitments. My staff depended on me. I couldn’t let down the community that had supported and loved me.

    Having Dad live with me had been an unexpected bonus. Now that he wasn’t drinking, he was a new man. He enjoyed his job at the Ace Hardware store; it gave him purpose and he liked helping people. I know he grieved for Harper, but he was better at keeping his feelings to himself than I was. He routinely attended his meetings and checked in with his sponsor.

Harper had so often complained about my mothering, but with Dad living with me, I had someone to cook for and look after. It helped me deal with the loss of my sister. We didn’t talk about her much, but I felt her presence almost as if she was with me, watching over me.

The holidays came upon us without a welcome. I didn’t know how we were going to get through Christmas. Thanksgiving was hard enough. Dad and I gathered at Lucas’s house, with Chantelle and me doing the cooking. It was a bleak day for us all.

The one bright spot, although I hated to admit it, was the text I got from Sean.

Spending Thanksgiving with my folks. Back on Monday. Miss you.

I must have read those few lines a dozen times. It angered me that his words meant this much.

On Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, I got another text.

Mom and Dad send their love. I do, too.

The temptation to reply had been strong. At first, I was angry, wanting to demand that he stop texting me. I accepted that the only one I’d be hurting, though, was myself. A dozen times the next day I checked my phone, looking for another text. I was furious with myself for caring. I didn’t want him in my life. If I gave in, he would only disappoint and hurt me again. I didn’t want to love him, didn’t want to care. Unfortunately, the message didn’t make it to my heart.

    The Monday following Thanksgiving, true to his word, Sean showed up as usual at Bean There.

“I thought about you the entire time I was away,” he said, after he’d placed his order. “I know how hard it must have been for all of you without Harper.”

“It was…hard.” The empty space at the table felt like an open wound. We’d all tried to ignore the fact that Harper wasn’t with us. In retrospect, I believe if we had acknowledged it, and talked about her, it might have helped. Instead we were all more concerned about not heaping sadness on a day meant to be celebrated.

“I wish I could have been with you.”

I wished he could have been, too, but I wouldn’t say it.

“I thought I should tell you I’m going to be away for a few days.”

I stiffened; this was the reminder I needed. “Not my concern,” I said, hardening my heart against him.

“Perhaps not. The only reason I mentioned it is so you won’t think I’m giving up on us.”

“It would be better if you did.”

“Not happening, Willa. I love you; I’ll wait for however long this takes. I hurt you, and I’ll regret that until my dying day. When you’re ready to forgive me, I’ll be here.”

“I already forgave you, Sean. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for me to become involved with you.”

“You’re already involved.”

“Not any longer,” I insisted.

His shoulders sank as he turned away. Part of me wanted to call him back, but I knew it was better to let him go.

For the rest of the day I berated myself over my parting words. I hadn’t meant to sound heartless. He was trying so hard to make up to me and I rejected him at every turn. For my own peace of mind, I needed to keep him at arm’s length. What I didn’t expect was how hard it would be.



* * *



—

    For the rest of the week, I was busy preparing for Lucas and Chantelle’s wedding reception. From the first time Lucas had introduced us to Chantelle, I’d known she was the right woman for my brother. I’d loved her from the beginning, but never more than when she chose to have their wedding in the hospital so Harper could be part of it.

As promised, I baked the wedding cakes. Two flavors. One Funfetti and one lemon, and I poured all my love into the mix. This was the one thing I could do for them to show how much I loved them and how grateful I was to have them both in my life, now more than ever.