A Life More Complete(60)
The next morning I convince Tyler to take my car so we can drive with the top down to Rachel’s wedding. He tosses our bags in the trunk and climbs into the drivers seat. I lean over and kiss him as we back out of the driveway.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I say. “It would have been lonely without you. I think Rachel and Maizey will be excited to see you.”
We leave early and take the 101 up through Santa Barbara. Even though it will add to the ride, it is well worth it. We had made this drive once before when we went to San Luis Obispo and Morro Bay for a weekend when Tyler and I had first gotten back together in college. I loved the view and how the 101 ran along the ocean for most of the ride. It was one of the best weekends of my life.
“That weekend was when I thought we still had a chance,” Tyler says.
“We always had a chance. We just needed a break. This is much better than it would’ve been if we weathered that hurricane together. It was bad toward the end. Really bad.”
“It was, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less.” I reach over and take his hand, my fingers entwined with his as he runs his finger over my ring.
“I thought we still had a chance when you came back from a fundraiser that you went to with that girl named Chelsea. Remember her?” He nods. “You came back and got in bed with me and told me to never make you go to one of your mom’s events without me. I thought then that you might tell me you loved me.”
“Oh, yeah, I remember that. She barfed in the parking lot and my mom was so pissed.” He laughs. “You always were a much better date. You played perfect like I’ve never seen. And just so you know, I wanted to tell you I loved you, but it was all wrong. We were so far gone at that point. You were so bitter and me so, I don’t know, f*cked up, that I felt like you would have laughed at me. We were so angry at each other. It would have seemed insincere.”
All I can do is hold his hand and reassure him that this time it will be different. We drive with only the sound of the wind blowing through the car. The mountains on one side, the ocean on the other making the ride look like a postcard. I point out where you can see the Channel Islands, the view of rolling, blue waves, and bright green palm trees. A wreck of pelicans dive into the water with such force that I imagine they won’t ever resurface. The view is strikingly beautiful. The kind of view that stops your heart and makes you wonder if there is anything ever truly this breathtakingly gorgeous. I want to dive the Islands someday.
“Do you still have your wetsuit,” he asks. “The water is far too cold to dive without one and we both would need to take a few courses before we could even consider it. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t been since we took that trip to the Keys, like ten years ago.”
“My certification is current, but I need a new wetsuit. It’s old and if I’m being honest with myself, far too small.” Tyler laughs at me. “I can’t believe you haven’t been since the Keys. I try to go at least once a year, some years more than that. I love it.”
“You don’t go alone, do you?” he asks willfully. He almost sounds disgusted and I can’t tell if it’s because he is picturing me alone or if he’s picturing me with someone else.
“I used to go with Ben, my ex. He was a good friend before we started dating and we’d go a lot. He enjoyed it, too.”
Ben and I took more trips down the coast to the Baja peninsula than I can remember. We’d scuba the Sea of Cortez frequenting Cabo San Lucas Bay and La Paz down near the Mexican border. We had our favorite places and the tropical fish were unreal, it was like swimming in a fish tank. Out near Cabo Pulmo National Marine Park we dove for hours looking for a tuna boat that sunk in the ‘80’s and found that nature had taken over, as it became an artificial surrounding to the marine life. Sometimes we would just do a day trip and other times we’d stay in quaint beach bungalows with no air conditioning and let the ocean breeze lull us to sleep. The diving was the best during the late fall, so we used to head up there around Thanksgiving and dive for hours. I once read that Jacques Cousteau called the Sea of Cortez, the aquarium of the world. That was enough for Ben.
As Ben floods my thoughts and all the wonderful times I had with him, I push them away knowing that part of my life is over and even if it was feasibly possible to get Ben to take me back it would have only ended, again.
When I look over at Tyler his face is severe and cold. He pulls his hand from mine and places it back on the steering wheel. The silence is deafening and awkward. The look on his face stirs emotions in me that are rarely present. It builds into a fury and festers as I contemplate how I should respond. The old me would have apologized and gone on and on about how wonderful he is, but I’m done being the meek pushover that he once knew. I’m done sweeping the hostility and resentment under the rug and I’m totally done running from any type of confrontation and acting like the problems don’t exist.