A Life More Complete(36)
I strip off my clothes and pull Ben’s shirt over my head and begin to cry. My whole body feels like it’s bruised, I ache everywhere. Maybe if I don’t move the pain will stop, but it doesn’t. I find comfort in his side of the bed and know that eventually the smell will fade and he will be gone for good.
I wake in the morning, shower and pull on a fuchsia sheath dress paired with a skinny patent black belt and peep toe black patent pumps. I straighten my hair and do my usual quick makeup job. I figure if I run into Ben by chance I should at least look good. And in a recent turn of events, I do look good, not just good, hot. Skinny and lightly tanned with a small amount of freckles covering my nose and my green eyes look brighter than they have lately. The dress fits amazingly well, making my waist look incredibly tiny and my boobs look big and perky. Getting drunk the night before agrees with me. Note to self: drink more wine.
I pull into the parking lot of Torres Landscaping and Pools. It is a huge business, with lush greenhouses and fruit trees everywhere. There are models of in-ground pools and hot tubs and several smaller buildings stationed throughout. The nursery doesn’t open until eight, so the place is fairly deserted, only a few of Ben’s employees are milling around. I look for Ben’s truck and I don’t see it, so I make my way through the gravel parking lot, teetering in heels around the small rocks that cover it. The first building is Ben’s office. I open the door knowing Annalise should be here already, yet she’s not. She’s nowhere to be seen. I reach over and grab a pen from the cup on her desk and a Post-It note. I quickly scribble down a note to Ben and stick it on top of the box. I head down the tile-covered hallway to his office, my heels clicking along and echoing. I pull the door open and there is Ben sitting behind his desk staring at his computer. Without even thinking I blurt out, “What are you doing here?” I’m sure I look completely stupefied.
“I work here,” he says raising his eyebrows. “What are you doing here?”
“Dropping off your stuff. I was gonna leave it with Annalise, but she’s not here.” I hold the box out as I shift my weight from foot to foot, nervously.
“She’s out getting coffee.” He stands and walks around his desk toward me and for some reason I want to drop the box and run. I’m almost afraid to be in the same room with him. I shove the box at him and he takes it glimpsing down at the note on the top. He looks up from the note and says, “I miss you.” He drops the box on the ground and takes my hand.
“Krissy. I’m sorry. I miss you so much.” He pulls me to him and before I realize it he’s kissing me and I can’t stop him. A few seconds won’t kill me. Ben’s lips are like home, comforting and soft. And before I can pull away the tip of his tongue grazes my bottom lip. My eyes shoot open.
“Okay, stop.” I pull away leaving him breathless. “Nothing has changed, Ben.”
“I don’t care. I want you.” He reaches for me again and I back away.
“You will care, someday. Not now because you’re lonely, but someday, I can’t say when, but you’ll care and I don’t want to go down that road again. I can’t lose you twice. This is hard enough.” I can feel that lump in my throat and the burn race through my skin. Shit, I’m going to cry.
“Oh baby, don’t cry.” He pulls me to him and I can’t stop him. The tears fall, soaking his shirt and ruining my perfectly great post wine glow.
“I can’t do this,” I mumble into his shirt.
“It was wrong of me to say that. I apologize. I do love you, Krissy, but you’re right. We want different things out of life and it would be unwise and unfair for me to demand anything of you.” He hands me a tissue. “You have worked hard to get where you are and I would never begrudge you the success you’ve had or attempt to take it away from you. Maybe our lives will connect again someday and maybe you’ll be ready then and if not, well, then as they say, it wasn’t meant to be.”
“Why are you so understanding? It makes me love and hate you all at the same time.” I pause momentarily as his eyes meet mine. I turn away because if I wait too long I’ll beg him to take me back. I quickly hug him. It’s the kind of hug you reserve for distant cousins and unknown relatives.
“Take care,” he says as I leave his office, but his voice sounds distant and as I glance back at him his smile fades and his eyes turn sad.
“Thank you, and you, too, Ben.” My voice wavers slightly as I try to control the last of the tears.