Within These Wicked Walls(56)

“Don’t bother,” I said, scowling up at him, my heart, soul, and lungs burning from pent-up tears. “You were never going to act unless I said anything. You were content to have both of us.”

Magnus leaned the side of his head on the doorjamb, helplessly, his palm out to me in supplication. “I want you, my darling—”

“I’m not your darling.”

“Only you.”

“Then you shouldn’t have lied to me about being engaged.”

I pushed past him and headed downstairs, but Magnus followed close behind. “I’m going to tell Kelela.”

I spun on him and pinched my fingers together, wishing the action operated his mouth, that I could shut him up without words. “No more, Magnus,” I said, low and vicious. “This conversation is over. We’re going to have lunch with Esjay and Kelela, and I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

“Right, that would be embarrassing. I’ll tell her in private afterward, then.”

“No, you won’t.”

I went to turn around, but Magnus grabbed my arm, holding me still. “Say you don’t want to be with me and I’ll stop fighting for you. But you can’t keep moving the goal post.”

“You lied to me and used me, and I’m supposed to roll over and accept that treatment because you try to make it right after you’re caught?” I pulled away, glaring up at him. “This conversation is over.”

Magnus cut me off before I could go further, standing on the stairs in front of me to make us eye level. “Tell me you don’t want me.” He took hold of my waist and I grabbed his wrists without purpose, my heart suddenly unable to make him let go. “Say you’re only here for a patronage, that you don’t care for me at all, and I’ll leave you to your work.” He cradled my face and I closed my eyes to press back tears. “Because if you dare leave me a shred of hope, I will fight to have you with the last drop of blood in my body.”

I heard a whimper escape me before I could stop it, felt Magnus’s soft thumbs wipe tears from my cheeks. “I don’t want to lie to you, Magnus.”

“Then don’t.” His lips blessed my forehead, my salty cheek, my nose, each kiss sweeping my breath and pulse into madness. “Say what you want from me. Whatever your answer, I’ll take it like a man.”

“I-I came here in the first place—” I took a steadying breath as he kissed my temple. “I came here for your patronage, Magnus. That’s why I’m here.”

It wasn’t a lie if it was true. And it was, even if it wasn’t the only truth. Maybe I was as wrong as Magnus for withholding the rest of it … that I wanted him. That I would give anything to be with him. That I love—

A sudden sob escaped Magnus’s throat, his hands at my face trembling. “You don’t want me?” he whispered, and he might as well have stabbed me in the chest.

I swallowed, speaking slowly to control my voice. “I’ll never be able to find more work without your patronage.”

“This is your answer?” He nodded without waiting for me to confirm, almost absently, as if his heart wasn’t in the action. “I will do my best to obey you…” He grabbed hold of the rail to steady himself, and I balanced between the desire to comfort him and the thought of holding back so as not to make the situation worse. But as he hung his head and cried, pain shot through every inch of my gut, and then it was I holding his jaw in my hands, tasting his tears as I kissed his face.

“Don’t cry,” I begged, in vain. He lowered himself into a crouch, his head between his knees, holding the rail for support, and wept. And I was too cowardly to stay to see it.

I rushed back up the stairs to my room, locked the door, and buried myself under the covers to cry.

Not a good survival habit, Andi.

At least, that’s what Jember would say. But I was in a safe place, and I was alone … oh God, so alone.

I kicked off the blanket and went to the barrel of water in the corner, dunking my face into it. Despite my room being warm, the water was cold enough to shock me into calming down. I held my breath until I was more concerned with my lungs than my heart, and came up panting, my chest burning.

I’d never cared about boys before. Why was this one any different?

I dried my face and made my way back downstairs. If I was going to be here only for the sake of working, I had to abide by Magnus’s rules.

I shoved the urge to cry to the back of my mind to join the rest of my childhood nightmares and entered the dining room with my head held high. Magnus sat in his usual place at the table, but on seeing me he leapt to his feet. I should’ve ignored him, but we locked eyes immediately. His eyes were rimmed a bit with red and his nose was rosy, but otherwise he seemed intact.

Magnus pulled the heavy chair out for me. I dropped my gaze. I don’t know why that simple act of politeness was too much for me.

Maybe because he’d never done it before.

“Thank you,” I murmured.

“You’re welcome,” he murmured back.

Again, simple, polite words, but brimming with so much intimacy I could barely stand it. I felt the urge to kiss him emerging through the tiny cracks in my stoicism. Instead, I sat and allowed him to push in my chair.

“You too, Andromeda?” Esjay asked, concerned and a little confused. “Everyone is so depressed today. Don’t worry, this isn’t the last time Kelela will visit before she leaves.”