Unplugged (Blue Phoenix, #3)(33)

“No!”

Honey tips her head and her lack of response could mean anything. I doubt she’ll drop this in a hurry. She studies my face a moment, lips thinning before taking a deep breath. Jesus, maybe she’s finally learning how to control herself.

“Honey, she means nothing; she’s an old school friend.” Saying the words triggers a further realisation. I’m lying otherwise my stomach wouldn’t lurch at the denial.

“Fine. Whatever. It looked crap on the fridge anyway; kids’ pictures aren’t really part of my colour scheme.”

At that moment, I realise my dream of a life with a wife and kids isn’t one that’s part of Honey’s future plans. I chose to get engaged because I want a family; and if one picture is a mark on her perfect home, there’s no way children would be allowed to enter her flawless world she spends so much time creating around her.

I bought into a fantasy that will never be reality, as big an illusion as Honey has about being married to a rock star.

By the end of the day, I’ve searched every corner of my heart and soul; and I know I can’t marry Honey.

****

CERYS



The card from Liam arrived last week. I deliberately didn’t include any contact details with Ella’s picture because her fantasies about the funny man with long red-hair are bad enough without adding in mine, but he found my address.

When Craig left two weeks after Christmas, her four-year-old mind decided Liam was going to arrive like he did last time her dad was away. She nagged me to go to Lou’s house to see him and I had to explain he wouldn’t be there. I showed Ella pictures of Liam on the internet with Honey, and explained that was who he lived with now.

Back then, Ella still waited for a reply to her letter but it never came. This disappointed me because Liam had appeared to understand her. Back in his rock and roll life, maybe he is the self-centered rock star who doesn’t have time for a little girl’s feelings and not the guy he was in St Davids.

Maybe not.

Inside the Frozen themed card, he’s written:

Dear Ella

Sorry I took so long to reply. The postman took a long time to deliver your letter. I love the picture. I had fun the day we made the snowman. Tell your mum I remember her too and I’d like to chat to you both some time. Liam x



Included is his phone number. Convinced this letter was delayed, I check the postmark. Less than a week ago. I rub my eyes in confusion as Ella enthuses over the picture of Olaf on the front. Why is he writing to say he wants to talk to me when he’s getting married next week?

My heart races at the mixture of disappointment and excitement. I know he’s definitely getting married; Louise is in LA already, and I’ve seen the intensifying interest in the nuptials on the front page of magazines recently. I stop buying them because everything Blue Phoenix upsets me.

Does Liam realise how unfair he is dragging me back to the past? So much was left unsaid after Christmas and it should remain that way. I hand the card to Ella who takes it to her room.

CHAPTER 15

MAY 2014



LIAM



The Californian sunshine fills the world with brightness and colour that’s at odds with how I feel. Drinking orange juice and taking painkillers for my hungover head, I stare over Dylan’s infinity pool, at the illusion of the drop into the sea.

I expected to wake to a phone full of messages from Honey, but there’s none. I presume she’s still at our place in Malibu deciding on her next move, while I skulk here like the rat I am.

Leaving your bride high and dry on your wedding day is disgusting enough; leaving Honey and her carefully orchestrated media frenzy on a Blue Phoenix wedding day is the worst thing I’ve done in my life. I didn’t even hang around to explain, I just left. Bryn brought me to Dylan’s home. LA isn’t far enough away from the disaster for me, but Bryn’s right, I can’t leave until I’ve faced her.

No, the worst thing I’ve ever done is letting everything get to this stage and not backing out. What can I say to Honey? I can’t make this better, only worse. Once I knew I couldn’t marry her, I had two weeks to sort out the mess. And what did I do? f-uck all. I told myself it was too late and to just do it, and then see what happens. We could always divorce. This pisses all over my underlying belief that I marry once and for love. Nobody gets married with divorce in mind. That’s f*cked up.

A couple of days before the wedding, my parents arrived with my sister. They moved into the guest rooms and watched in awe as the wedding took shape. I watched with a constant edge of nausea following me through the days. I asked how Cerys was. I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t help it. Louise was cagey, wouldn’t tell me much, but I did get out of her that Cerys and Craig split two weeks after Christmas.

Another punch to the head.

The day of the wedding, I crawled out of bed at the latest time I could. I dreamt about Cerys the night before my wedding and took that as a sign. The secret I’ve kept locked in my heart since Christmas can’t stay hidden. Cerys touched me in ways Honey never did and there has to be a reason why. If we’d really just been two hurt people looking for comfort, the need to see her wouldn’t have obsessed my thoughts for the last two weeks.

****

Avoiding confrontation at all costs has landed me in this f-ucking mess and led to the need for the biggest confrontation of my life. I want to run back to England – or anywhere – so I don’t have to walk through the door of my house and face the woman whose heart I tore out yesterday. I would’ve done it if Bryn and Dylan hadn’t talked me around. Cowardice is part of the reason I’m in this situation and I steel myself. I have to do this once, and then never see Honey again.