Unplugged (Blue Phoenix, #3)(31)

“Yes,” I say quietly.

“Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know. I was upset when I lost the necklace. He’s a nice guy; he probably thought I’d like a replacement.”

“Oh, yeah, and how nice to you was he? Did he replace anything else?”

Ella looks between us and I pray with all I have that she won’t say something incriminating. “He was nice to Ella.”

“Guys don’t buy girls this stuff unless they mean something,” he snaps.

“It’s nothing to him. He has money to burn.”

“Not the cost, it’s a bloody necklace, Cerys. With a heart on it.”

“Do you honestly think I had time to start a new relationship living in someone else’s house? And with a member of Blue Phoenix? Don’t be ridiculous! He’s a friend from years back.”

“Yeah. I remember. You used to follow him around.” Craig stands. “I’m going back to bed.” He drops the necklace so it lands in my lap. “Send it back to him; I’ll get you a new one.”

The lights on the tree twinkle in the room, the smell of Christmas paper reminding me of childhood. I have to focus on Ella. She scrabbles through her pile, looking for her DVD. When we put it on, she snuggles up to me, hugging her Olaf toy. Disney movies about princesses, and the prince arriving with his ‘true loves kiss’ are bad for little girls because they grow up and think one day a prince of their own will arrive with the long-awaited kiss. I hope one day that she’ll question that because reality is harsh.

I pick up the necklace and hold the heart in the palm of my hand, wishing with all of mine that I was in St Davids with Louise. And with Liam.

PART TWO



CHAPTER 14



APRIL 2014



LIAM



The problem with stepping back from Blue Phoenix for a few months is everything else in life sharpens into focus. Avoiding wedding plans is no longer an option. And Jesus, does Honey have plans.

Relaxing after the crap of the last few months — deaths, overdoses and tours cut short — is hard. The last time I had peace and downtime away from the band was… no idea. Years ago, and I’m lost.

Honey currently appears as a regular extra on a new TV comedy show. I watched it once; it was bloody awful, but when she raves about her big break, I smile encouragingly. The part she has does little to counteract the bimbo image.

If Honey isn’t working, her day is filled with wedding organisation. Three weeks to go and my feet aren’t cold, they’re f-ucking ice blocks.

When I came back to the States after Christmas, we patched things up. In a way, I’d behaved the same as her: Honey swears she only kissed Mason, and I kissed Cerys. I didn’t tell Honey. I know why Honey behaved as she did; and although I understand the depth of her insecurity and need for attention, running to another guy every time we fight isn’t the answer. What if next time it’s more than a kiss? Will being married be enough for Honey to believe my commitment to her? These niggling whispers over the last couple of months are now voices drowning my thoughts.

At the centre of my doubt is Cerys. Although we haven’t spoken since the day we kissed, the night is as indelibly inked as any of my tattoos are. Honey kissed a guy and had no emotional desire to get close to him; I wanted Cerys and I would’ve traded Honey for her. That makes what I did worse and why each day the doubt grows. The problem isn’t the possibility Honey could be unfaithful again, but the attachment to Cerys I can’t shake. Every time I think about Cerys, and every time I crave to go back to the moment in time that fused me to her, I’m unfaithful to Honey. I can’t give Honey my whole heart when I left a part with Cerys at Christmas.

But I can’t have Cerys; she’s with another man. If she no longer is, our time meant less to Cerys than me; otherwise, I’d have heard from her. I toyed with the idea of contacting Cerys a few times, but if she is still with Ella’s dickhead father, my interference won’t be welcome. I asked Louise about Cerys a couple of times, on the rare occasions I speak to her, but only got a ‘she’s okay’ response.

The deeper we get into wedding plans, the more I get caught in the tide. I switch off, let Honey get on with the military manoeuvres, and reassure myself everything will work out and this is all pre-wedding nerves.

****

Blue Phoenix gets a shitload of fan mail and someone in our PR department opens it and sends out crap to people — postcards, stickers, whatever, I don’t know. Dylan is insistent that every piece gets answered which means there’s a backlog of months. Each piece is opened, date stamped and added to a pile. I bet some of these people aren’t fans anymore by the time they hear back.

Today, I got a letter from Cerys and my grip onto the world I returned to slipped.

Not strictly from Cerys, but Ella. I’m handed a pile of fan mail and inside is a picture of three people and a dog in the snow: a man, a woman, and a girl holding a doll. The dog and the man have the same orange colour hair. My name is represented by an L and half-formed letters to make the ‘iam’. ‘Ella’ is scrawled in a corner. The letter is date-stamped two weeks after Christmas. On the back is a note from Cerys:

Ella drew a picture to thank you for her Christmas gift. She loves Olaf and takes him to bed every night. Your gift for me was very thoughtful, thank you. I hope you are well. Cerys x