This Is Not How It Ends(91)

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. And you will. You’ll do it for Philip. He’s offering you a second chance, and you’re going to take it.”





CHAPTER 43

May 2019

It was my father by way of Philip who convinced me to go to Ben. I’d lived without his advice and guidance for years, and he was the person who finally broke me, proving to me that love was worth the risk.

Just days after I found Philip’s letter, we met on a clear morning at a restaurant overlooking the Gulf. He’d flown down for a few days to spend time with me.

I recognized him at once, though he was older, heavier. We had the same eyes, and his hair was thick, patched with gray. We didn’t hug, but we shook hands for quite a long time.

He showed me pictures of his daughter, and the teacher in me wanted to steer her through life, while the much older sister wanted to hold her hand for the journey.

When he asked me to tell him about myself, I found myself disclosing everything. It was like opening a sacred chest and spilling out the contents. My mom. Her illness. Philip. Even Ben. We talked about his secret history, the years of hiding and shame. He cried a few times, and I felt his struggle. I understood my father’s inability, his imperfection, and the heavy burden he carried, and I knew I had a choice. I could hold a grudge, or I could embrace the time we had left and relish a fresh start. I thought of Philip and his lasting messages. Forgiveness is a gift. Life holds no guarantees. Happiness comes with risk.

“But then I fell in love, Charley. His name was Julius. Our feelings were sewn together before we ever spoke. Julius came from a strict Catholic family. We both had our demons, the pressures society placed on us. Today, the world’s kinder, but it wasn’t always that way. I’d been beaten up. I’d been ostracized. Julius begged me to get the help I needed. He refused to share a life with me if I didn’t. I couldn’t come out. I couldn’t stand up to myself or my own family. I couldn’t be like him. I was too ashamed.

“Julius eventually let me go. He said if his super conservative family could come around and accept him, I could accept myself. He was a fighter. He fought me. The breakup was messy and the aftermath worse. I got into a bad crowd. Drugs. Drinking. Harmful one-night stands.

“My point, Charley, is this. Figure out what you want. Not what you think Philip would want. Not what Ben wants. What you want. Don’t be like me. Don’t give up on someone you love. You’ll never know when you’ll have another chance.”

My eyes glazed, thinking about my father being alone all those years. Who had it worse? It was hard to say. “What changed?”

I wasn’t imagining the mist that formed in his eyes. “My life was messy and full of bitterness. I had hit rock bottom. Literally. I had no home. No job. Nothing. Self-loathing spread through my body like a disease. And then Philip called. You had just met. He wanted to meet your pilot father.” He waited for me to respond to my little fib, but I remained silent. “He sent me pictures of you. He told me about your life. Your mom.” He stopped to wipe his eyes. “Philip saved my life, Charley.”

A still calm came over me. “He basically told me to get my shit together and forbade me to contact you until I did. He had no idea I had sunk so low, but I listened to what he said. The man is nothing if not formidable.” This got me to laugh.

“I went into heavy-duty counseling, cleaned up, and came out of the closet. Do you know how many years I wasted in quiet suffering?” The weight of his burden scratched my skin. It felt uncomfortably familiar. “Here’s the thing, Charley, if you’re dreaming, you’re not really living. You have to fight, you have to chase the dream, or else it dies. And a part of you dies along with it. I found Julius again. Our timing worked. He was getting out of a relationship, and I opened my heart to him. He’s my partner. He’s the father of that little girl.”

He reached across the table and took my hand into his. I didn’t pull away. I wasn’t sure we would ever have the father-daughter relationship I’d imagined, but I was willing to try.

“I called Philip, and I’m guessing by then he was sick. He knew of the possibility you’d need me, and he knew no matter the circumstances, I was ready to face your disapproval. He loved you. All he wanted was to do for you, to give you the things that maybe he couldn’t. I know my leaving had to have changed you. I’m sure it affected your ability to trust yourself and those around you. I had a choice and I walked away. You have a choice, too.”

Hearing those words from my father’s mouth, I felt a release. The future was there all along, and once it revealed itself, I couldn’t let it go. “I want a family. I want kids. Lots of them. I didn’t think I did. I didn’t think I could trust it. And I’m sorry Philip couldn’t give it to me. Whether it was because he was ill or something else, I’ll never know for sure, but I want it now.”

He found my eyes and held them in his. “You deserve to be loved, Charley. Wholly. Deeply. Your heart is big, and though there’s a broken part, there’s a large piece that has the capacity for pure joy. Don’t be afraid. Go after what you want. You may never have another chance.”

I listened, tears springing from my eyes because it was him, my father, the one who first made me doubt, who now gave me clarity.