This Is Not How It Ends(87)

She snorted and shook her head. “You’re a stubborn fool. Philip’s in your heart. He’ll always be in your heart. There’s always room for more. Let Ben in. Let him love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

I wriggled in my seat. “That’s the thing. I’m not sure I deserve it.”





CHAPTER 41

January 2019

The night of Ben and Jimmy’s farewell was a full moon. A blanket of stars dotted the sky, and a thin chill filled the air. I was hesitant to attend; there wasn’t an actual place for me in Ben’s life and seeing him again would only resurrect painful feelings we’d both had to bury.

It wasn’t that I didn’t take Liberty’s words to heart, but there were so many conflicting emotions circling around that I was paralyzed, unable to make decisions. I thought about showing up at his door, and I even dialed his number several times, but I stopped myself, something deeper within preventing that final step forward.

It was no coincidence that I wore a dress in the light shade of blue that Ben loved. And the wrap I flung over my shoulder was the one Philip sent from New York. Liberty found me and hooked her arm into mine as we entered Morada Bay’s patio together. The table was set for sixteen. There was Jimmy and Carla, a handful of waiters and waitresses, kitchen staff, and Ben and Claudia. I felt Philip’s absence in the cool breeze. I expected to turn around and find him there in our seats by the water, holding his bourbon in his hands, calling me dahling.

“Charlotte.” Ben’s wistfulness floated through my ears as though he knew where my mind had gone. I moved toward him, and we held each other’s eyes. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Hi,” I said, admiring his dark blazer and jeans. “You look nice.”

I saw Claudia out of the corner of my eye, how happy she was. I returned to Ben, and before we could say anything else, the new chef instructed us to take our seats.

The table was decorated beautifully, with white roses and matching votive candles. Ben sat between me and Claudia, and Liberty was to my left. The food was almost as good as Ben’s, and the laughter around the table made up for the pit in my stomach that signified his departure. Our hands brushed against each other; our feet came too close. A magnetic field was pulling us even though his arm was draped over Claudia’s shoulders. Every so often he’d ask how I was doing. His eyes would latch on to mine. “Did you have enough to eat? Are you warm enough?”

When dessert arrived with bottles of champagne, Claudia got up from her chair to make a toast. She was sexy and sophisticated in a black off-the-shoulder form-fitting dress. I could tell why she shook up a courtroom. She was a captivating speaker. I watched her lips move, her hand on Ben’s shoulder. The rest of it I drowned out . . . the adventure they’d partake in . . . the meeting of two minds . . . the new beginning . . . I sat frozen to my chair, the energy between Ben and me evaporating into the night sky.

Ben eventually stood up and beamed at the table. Claudia fell into his arms, and I looked away when he kissed the top of her head, but his eyes found mine—and the green stabbed at the armor I’d built, the shield to keep him out.

Liberty squeezed my thigh, but it was too late. I rose from my chair and headed toward the bathroom. There was a line too deep to wait, so I turned, the water pulling me in its direction. I tugged my shoes off and let my toes bury themselves in the cool sand. The breeze picked up, and I wrapped the powder-blue shawl tighter around my shoulders, stopping just as my feet reached the water’s edge. Behind me, the party was breaking up; guests were milling around, making their way over to the music. I was mere steps from our table: Philip’s and mine. It was perched by the water, backing up to the rocks. The nearby trees framed it like a postcard. I blocked out visions of Philip and me sitting there together. Philip laughing. Philip propped against the beautiful sky. I turned away and faced the Gulf. The moon cast a glow across the rippling water, and I felt my eyes well with tears. I felt Philip resting his chin on my shoulder, telling me it would be okay, telling me to find the silver lining up there in the sky.

A woman’s voice took over the mike, and it was Claudia. She was belting out a Lady Gaga tune, and a crowd formed around her. I felt him before I saw him. I could always tell when Ben was near. He called my name. “Charlotte.”

“Don’t make this harder than it already is, Ben.”

“I just want to say a proper goodbye,” he said.

He was by my side, and we were gazing at the water, feeling the air skip around us. “She’s very talented,” I said. I took a few steps closer to the shore and perched myself on one of the rocks.

He warned me to get down, but I didn’t feel fear anymore. “Charlotte,” he said, but I resisted. And when I did, he climbed next to me and joined my side. The palms swayed overhead, and we were hidden from view.

“You should go to her,” I said.

“I should.”

The quiet that followed hurt my heart.

“Charlotte,” he began, “I know you regret what happened . . . I don’t. I’ll never regret it. And I want you to know before I leave that I would’ve done anything for you. Anything. Even gone out in the middle of a Cat 2 storm to save you.”

I should’ve told him to stop, but I couldn’t. “I fell in love with you long before I knew it. Your uneven smile. Your eyes. They speak to me, none of it making any sense. You don’t make sense to me. Because how could I finally fall in love again with a woman who puzzled me as much as you?”