This Is Not How It Ends(90)

You’ve been torturing yourself for a long time, yes?

Don’t.

You didn’t do anything wrong but love me.

You loved me at my worst even when I begged you to go.

You told me, often, I saved you, but no, darling, you saved me. You made my last months on this earth the loveliest I’ve ever known. You stayed when others might have run. Seeing your lovely face each morning gave me reason to live, even when there was no hope.

Ben is a good man, far better than I ever could be. I heard you. I listened. Forgive a dying man for an awful adage, but I understand better now that my love was not nearly enough. Jimmy and Ben invited you inside their world, and I watched you latch on to a dream you tried rather hard to deny. Our connection was real, my lady—you were refreshing and innocent, and took to this different life with ease and aplomb, but we both knew you would eventually need more. The fairy tale ending I could never give you. I am giving it to you now, Charlotte.

Go to him. Don’t look back. No regrets.

Love him and let him love you.

Have a baby, for God’s sake. You’re not getting any younger. Promise me one thing, Charley. Only one thing.

Name him or her after me, so it’ll always be the three of us. Like it used to be.

I’ve been privileged to know you, Charley. Privileged to love someone as big-hearted as you. Though I might not be here to love you, trust that you will feel my love. It’s there.

Oh, and darling, give Sunny a big pat on the head for me. I’m sure he’s taken over my side of the bed, and he’s beside you right now, licking away your tears like a real man. You always said dogs are the greatest judges of character. Sunny’s devotion to you proves just that.

There is a small matter I also want to bring up. I know this is a lot for you, Charley, and life doesn’t always give us the opportunities to say everything we need to say or do all that needs to be done. I’m certain you’re stunned by most of this, so while I have your attention, let me say this. Let your father in. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I’m sure you have a moment you wish you can take back. Treat him as you’d want others to treat you. And after the shock wears off, because it will, I want you to do this: forgive him. Forgiveness is the greatest act of love you can give another human being. With forgiveness comes the ability to fully love—yourself and others. And when I say love, I mean all that comes with it.

So dry your eyes, my lady. My beautiful Charley. Go outside and digest all this. Sit in our hammock and think and ruminate like you’ve always done. Embrace the beautiful world you live in, the endless ocean, the bluest of skies, the sun that promises to wake each day. Don’t waste another second of this precious existence being alone. Stop feeling sorry for yourself (you’ll wrinkle your face) and live the life you were meant to live.

Okay, Charley, I’m going to say goodbye now. I’m not very good at goodbyes. Wherever I’m headed, it won’t be the same without you. I’ll miss you. Especially that sexy bum of yours, but I will rest comfortably knowing you’re smiling, understanding a bit more about yourself and what it is you truly need.

Be happy, my love. We only have one ride on this merry-go-round. Don’t fall off.

Eternal, endless love,

Philip

PS—The Pappy Van Winkle is waiting for you. Cheers to my two favorite people.



Pass with care. Only Philip.

Sunny licked my eyes and cheeks. I fell back along the pillows while quiet sobs escaped me. There was so much to digest. Months of strange behavior culminating in Philip’s greatest act: saving me. Shaving his head, the vomiting at the hotel, the calls to Natasha’s house, the beeping sounds. Philip had been sick. He wasn’t rejecting a baby. He wasn’t rejecting me. His body couldn’t physically meet mine.

When he shared his fear of falling with me, I should have told him I would have been there to catch him.

My initial reaction was being upset, questioning why he chose to isolate himself, but as was typical when it came to Philip, I only felt his tender devotion. And if he doubted the outcome, he did everything he could to ensure I’d be okay. Every piece was in place. My father. Ben. Philip. All the men I’d loved and lost. Philip was giving them back. He was giving me back. It was far better than a fairy tale.

Philip knew about Ben. I don’t know why this would surprise me. His selflessness was a trait I’d always admired. I folded the page in half and rested it against my chest. None of the other papers mattered. All these months later, and Philip continued to take care of me. To impart life’s most valuable lessons. To love me enough to give me permission to follow my heart and live my best life. The answer I’d been searching for was here. I rolled over and reached for my phone.

“Lib”—my voice shook—“it’s me.”

I read her the letter, and we cried together. I told her about passing with care, the drawer filled with papers, and she reminded me how timing is everything.

“Go to New York,” she said.

My silence went on too long.

“You’re not really going to argue with the dead, are you, Charlotte? Philip handed you a gift.”

I didn’t tell her what I’d been thinking. Ben was gone. Not just physically gone. He was with someone else. He loved someone else.

“Girls’ trip. You and me. NYC. No is not an option.”