The Things I Know(85)

It was a funny thing, but that evening after she had arrived home, as she stood in the lower paddock with her hens, it was as if a black shadow crossed her mind, as surely as a dark cloud blotting out the sun. She had had a bad feeling and time had made it come true. She was once again alone and struggling with how to find a way out. Her loneliness now was topped with rejection and the fact that Mr Grayson Potts was not the man she had hoped he would be. Her thoughts ran rampant and she wondered if he might have met another girl – someone like bloody Melinda Liebermann, a girl with a pretty mouth who deserved a good man like him. Maybe a girl his mother actually liked . . .



‘You got the supplement for the cows, my lovely?’ her mum asked, blowing out clouds with every breath into the chill morning air. She rolled up the sleeves of her coveralls as she prepared to haul the wheelbarrow full of shit and straw to the other side of the yard.

‘Yes.’ Thomasina held up the wide plastic bottle, ready to shake the contents into their mash.

‘How long, Thomasina?’

The question caught her off guard. ‘How long what?’

‘How long are you going to stay morose, fed up and lost in thought?’

‘Probably forever,’ she answered quickly, without any hint of irony.

‘Oh good. Well, at least I’ve got that to look forward to.’

‘I can’t help it, Mum. I feel as though everything is unravelling. I’m making plans in my head, but they all feel a little soured when I think that Grayson won’t be here to share them with me, by my side.’ She hated the spring of tears that seemed to be on tap these days. ‘I’m so disappointed. I really liked him.’

‘I know, love, and I don’t know if it helps, but Pops and I really liked him too. I got the feeling he would have benefitted from being part of this bonkers family.’

Thomasina nodded. ‘It’s true. I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me too.’

‘Maybe he did. Maybe it’s not that simple.’

‘Yes, Mum – that’s why he’s chosen to stay in that shitty life in that shitty flat with his shitty mother! It’s such a waste, and so selfish of her. She’s robbing him of these years and he just can’t see it. And I’m supposed to carry on as if nothing has happened?’ She wiped at her tears, which now flowed freely. ‘I’m not hanging around for someone like that.’

‘It is a waste, my girl, but you’re also very tired and that makes everything feel ten times worse.’

‘We’re all tired!’ Thomasina sniffed.

‘True enough.’ Her mum paused. ‘I can’t wait for the sale to go through and then I think I’ll sleep for a thousand years, but there’s always the chance it won’t go through – things can and do go wrong, and if we’ve let things slide we’ll be in a worse position than before, so we plough on, literally.’

‘Yep.’ Thomasina sniffed again and rattled the supplement bottle in her hand.

‘Pops and I have been thinking, my love, and we agreed not to say anything, in case it all falls through – didn’t want to get your hopes up – but I think it might be good for you to know, might bolster your spirits.’ She paused again.

‘Good to know what?’ Thomasina was confused.

‘I never want you to think that we have taken your years.’

‘I know that.’ It’s just how it is, the lines between this job and this life are blurred . . .

Her mum continued. ‘And I know I need to let go and not worry about you so much. And so, if and when the sale on the farm completes, Pops and I want to buy you a ticket. It’s only with money you could have earned if things had been different, so think of it as though we’ve been saving it for you, but that’s what we’re going to do.’

‘I don’t get it, you’re going to do what?’ Thomasina had heard the word ‘ticket’ and her heart leapt accordingly, but she needed it restated in case she’d misunderstood.

‘We’re going to buy you a ticket, love, so you can go and see that big wide world beyond these fields and on the other side of the river.’

Thomasina felt the bubble of emotion fill her right up. ‘Are you being serious right now?’ She felt her pulse race and a smile split her face. It wasn’t only the thought of travelling that brought her such joy but the fact that her mum was encouraging her to go.

‘Deadly.’ Her mum held her gaze. ‘It’s what you want and it’s what you deserve.’

‘Oh my God! Mum! I don’t know what to say!’ She walked forward and took her mother in her arms, her mind racing and her heart thumping with joy. The news was enough to invigorate her tired limbs. ‘I can’t believe it, I can’t! Thank you!’

‘You deserve it, Thomasina: you have always worked so hard. Any idea where you might go?’ her mum whispered into her hair.

‘New York,’ she answered without hesitation. ‘I’m going to go to New York.’

‘Well, there’s a surprise.’

Thomasina laughed. ‘I’m going to go to New York, Mum! I’ll visit the sights, eat the food, walk in Central Park! I can’t wait! And then, when I come back, I can set up my business.’ This reminder that wonderful things lay ahead was the shot in the arm to get her fired up, and it felt good.