The Things I Know(90)
‘She what, Grayson?’ Taking a step closer to him, she could smell his glorious scent, which still reminded her of the amber-coloured soap they had had in the bathrooms at school, spicy and warm.
‘She snarled at me. She said that what she did was none of my business. She said I was a fucking idiot, like him. And then she told me . . .’ He paused, as if even the memory of the words was still enough to cause pain. ‘She told me that she hoped my dad’s floozy and his shitty new family . . . she hoped they’d all rot in hell! Two little girls, apparently. My aunts went quiet, as if she’d gone too far, and Auntie Eva choked on her chip.’
‘He has another family?’ Thomasina was trying to keep up.
Grayson nodded. ‘And she knew. She always knew. I remember scrawling him notes when I was little and being too afraid to ask her where to post them, so I’d throw them off the roof of our block, thinking they might float to him. And she told me that she wrote to him, telling him not to make contact with me. I tried to tell her how much of a difference it would have made to me just to have a Christmas card or a birthday card – anything! It would have made all the difference in the world to know that he hadn’t just disappeared into thin air.’
‘Oh my God, that’s huge!’
‘It is. All this time, she knew where he was, she knew all about him. And I’m not laying the blame solely at her door. I mean, my dad didn’t exactly fight for me, did he? He didn’t try. He never made contact, but she made it easy for him, really. But I realised that you’re right, Thomasina. There comes a time when you have to make a stand, make a decision. And I’m done with both of them. I need to start thinking about me and about you, and that’s why I’m here, chasing life. I’m chasing you.’
‘Because it doesn’t come to you.’ She smiled at him, feeling the warm spread of desire through her limbs. How she’d missed him!
‘That’s right, because it doesn’t come to you.’
‘And yet here you are,’ she whispered.
‘Yep, here I am.’
She stepped closer and placed her hand on his arm, and to be in contact felt wonderfully familiar. She stared at him, feeling a flicker of joy rise up through the cruel embers of rejection.
‘I’m glad you came, Grayson, but—’
‘But what?’ he asked, his expression pained.
‘Things are different now. I am different. I have set goals and I’ve taken control and it feels good!’
Grayson took a deep breath. ‘Have you met someone else? You’re not with that Buttermore chap?’
‘No.’ She shook her head, finding the very idea laughable and noting his expression of relief. ‘There’s no one else. But the farm is being sold and I’m going to New York for a long holiday.’
‘Wow! You’re really going?’
‘I am,’ she replied, with a certain smug satisfaction, a recognition of how far she had come and how far she intended to go. ‘I figured it’s not that much different jumping on a plane to New York as it is jumping on a train to London. As long as I have a map and a tongue in my head, I’ll be fine.’
‘Can I come with you?’
‘What?’ His question threw her off course.
‘Can I come with you?’
She avoided answering him. Grayson had not figured in her plans for New York and she wasn’t sure she wanted to alter the image of herself walking solo around the city that never slept. ‘When I come back, I’m going to set up my business – properly set up my business.’
‘That sounds great. I know you can make it work.’
‘I think so too.’ She looked over towards the chicken coop.
‘I quit my job.’
‘You quit your job? Oh my God!’ She knew that this too was big news, aware that going each day to fulfil his role as number magician was not only a routine he thrived on but that the place was also a refuge of sorts. There, and in the basement beneath the flats where the storage cages lurked. She watched as Grayson reached for her hands and she liked the pulse of his warm palms beneath her fingers on this cold, cold day. There was something about being this close to him with their hands touching. It eroded a little of her resolve and it was almost instinctive, her need to stand closer and feel his skin against hers.
‘You’re the missing piece of my puzzle, Thomasina. And it’s the only puzzle I have to figure out: how to be happy. And the answer is you – you’re what makes me happy. You’re where I’ve been heading, always. This I know.’
His words were sweet and sincerely offered and caused a ricochet of happiness within her. She thought of all the years before Grayson, when kind words, confidence and being desired were short on supply. ‘That’s a lovely thing to say to me—’
‘I mean it!’ he cut in.
‘I believe you, but things are a little uncertain for me, Grayson, and I’m not sure what my future looks like.’
‘Who’s sure?’ He laughed. ‘No one! I’ve quit my job – left London! Who’d have thought that one seminar invitation to Bristol that I nearly didn’t accept could change my whole life? Could you change yours?’
‘Yes, but this farm is all we’ve ever known, and it’s going to belong to someone else, and the closer it gets, the more the hugeness of that hits me. So yes, I’m looking forward to my trip, but at the same time, all of this’ – she threw her arm around in an arc – ‘when I come back it will be private property and to set foot on it will be considered trespassing. Can you imagine? Trespassing on the land that my dad, my grandad, great-grandad and great-great-grandad have worked on every day of their lives! It was supposed to be Jonathan’s, and I thought’ – she drew breath now, about to make a confession that had only previously lived silently in her mind – ‘I thought that, if ever I had children, they would have the run of the place, like I did. I thought they’d learn to drive a tractor when they were considered too young, play in Big Barn and have a dog like Buddy.’ She hated the catch to her voice, unable to control the sadness that underpinned her words. ‘It’s a lot.’