The Things I Know(80)

She nodded. ‘Yes, thank you. I didn’t think Grayson should be on his own.’

‘I was just telling your mum that this was a warning.’ The doctor spoke earnestly. ‘A minor heart attack, but she does need to change some of her habits to give herself the best chance going forward. The heart is a muscle just like any other and needs exercise and the right environment to thrive.’

‘I’m going to change, Doctor.’ Mrs Potts closed her eyes briefly, as if in prayer. ‘I ain’t going to go through that again. Thought I was going to wake up dead.’ She shook her head.

‘Well, as I say,’ the young doctor said, jollying the chat along, ‘it was a warning, Mrs Potts, and you were lucky, but no alcohol, no cigarettes and regular exercise. These would be the kindest changes you could make for your body.’

‘As God is my witness, I’ll exercise every day and give up the cigarettes and the booze. Not that I drink that much, not compared to some.’

Grayson again looked at Thomasina and rolled his eyes, suggesting that he, like her, was trying to think of anyone who might drink more than his mum.

‘You’re going to need some looking after, at least until you’re properly back on your feet. Plenty of rest until you feel able to get back to your normal routine.’

‘I’ll be fine. I’ve got my boy.’ She nodded in his direction.

Grayson stayed mute, but Thomasina felt the shout in her head like a bang. It was the sound of every door of opportunity through which she had tantalisingly glimpsed closing all at once. Was this it? Their great ‘make life happen’ plan – was this how it stalled, because Grayson would be reeled in by his mother, caught on a hook made of duty, attached to a line fashioned from guilt? The very thought made her feel a little nauseous, as well as reflective. She too had felt the twitch of haste in her heels at the sound of her dad’s voice, with the news that Emery was over at the Buttermores. She knew Waycott Farm was a pair of hands short and she felt the pull in her gut that she needed to be there to help.

‘Okay.’ The doctor patted the bed. ‘Well, the occupational therapy team will be around in a day or so to go through your convalescence plan and what you might need and how best to approach it.’

‘We’ll be all right, won’t we, son?’

The doctor walked along to the next patient. Thomasina watched as Grayson slipped down into the chair by the side of her bed as if his limbs were leaden, looking at her with a look of such sorrow it pained her. Thomasina was certain that, if she altered her view, she might actually see the bonds that tethered him. And as much as she resented it, she thought about the pile of shit that would be waiting to be shovelled from the yard and she understood.

‘I didn’t sleep a wink,’ his mum said with a sigh, chattering and oblivious. ‘Bloody noises and beeps from machines and people coming and going at all hours, and then a nurse woke me up to ask if I needed something to help me sleep – have you ever heard anything like it! I told him outright, I was a-bloody-sleep!’

‘I guess they’re only doing their job,’ Thomasina suggested. Grayson and his mother ignored her.

All three sat quietly for a second or two until his mum spoke, her words coasting on great, gulping tears.

‘I was worried I was going to die and not see you again. It was my worst nightmare come true – you running orf to God knows where.’

‘Just outside Bristol,’ he explained.

‘Yeah, there. And me not seeing you.’ Mrs Potts bit her lip and her tears fell. ‘I reckon it was you going orf what caused the whole thing. Got myself in a proper state.’

Thomasina saw the way Grayson stared at his mother, as if feeling the punch of guilt in his gut. His mum had had a heart attack and been forced to lie on the floor of the flat until help came, and Thomasina got the feeling that Grayson would think it was all his fault because rather than be on call, he’d been out shopping for wellingtons and searching for how to be happy.

Mrs Potts wasn’t done. ‘But I forgive you, Grayson, because I love you and I know you won’t leave me, will you, son? You’re a good boy. I know I can rely on you. Just you and me, together against the world, just like it’s always been. I told that doctor you’d look after me. I knew it. We don’t need no one else, do we?’

Whether accurate or not, Thomasina took this as a message sent directly to her. She looked around the walls of this London hospital, glanced at the sick woman in the bed whom she had only met twice before, and not for the first time wondered what in hell she was doing there, when there were fields that needed attention and animals to be fed and watered.

‘I could do with a cup of tea.’ Mrs Potts wriggled a little up the bed, wincing as she did so. Thomasina watched the widespread wobble of fat on the woman’s arms as she supported herself until she was comfortable.

‘Would you like me to go and get you one?’ Grayson offered.

‘Oh, go on then!’ his mother said with a smile, looking him up and down. ‘And we need to get you a haircut, mister.’

Grayson used his finger to loop his long fringe over his forehead and behind his ear before grabbing Thomasina’s hand as the two went off in search of a cup of tea for his mum.

‘She seems a bit better,’ he said as they inched along the corridor, aching to spend time together and reluctant to return to the ward.