The Stranger in the Mirror(37)

“Yes. I was also going to suggest that you try to do some hypnosis work to try and recover your memories. It’s worked for you before,” he tells me. “You had suppressed certain childhood memories—understandably, of course.”

The thought fills me with equal parts hope and dread. Recovering my past, being a real person and filling in all the blanks, is something I’d started to lose hope of ever happening. But I’m filled with dread as I realize that those memories will come with untold measures of grief over those I’ve lost and what I’ve endured.

“Why did she have plastic surgery?” Gigi asks. “Was she in an accident?”

He nods. “A car crash. She drove into a concrete wall. Her face was badly damaged.”

I am stunned into silence. The picture that’s forming in my mind of Cassandra, of me, is scaring me. “How did it happen?”

Julian hesitates. “We have time to go into all of it.”

I feel sick to my stomach. “Did I do it on purpose? Are you saying that I hurt myself more than once?” I push my sleeves up and expose my arms, challenging him.

“Yes, but we got you help.”

“What in the world did you see in me?” I ask before I can stop myself.

Julian looks taken aback. “What do you mean?”

I stand up, my face warm from the anger surging through me. “I sound like a basket case. Depressed, anxious, unstable. Two suicide attempts! Did I have any redeeming qualities?”

“Addy!” Gigi interjects.

I look at her. “Well, seriously. What am I supposed to think?”

“Of course you have redeeming qualities. You’re the most loving and tender person I’ve ever met. You care deeply about others. You’re a wonderful mother, and you take amazing care of me and our daughter,” Julian says.

I don’t know whether or not I believe him. “What do I like to do? Do I have any hobbies?”

He nods. “You love to cook, and read, and you’re a terrific photographer. But you know that already.” He rises, taking a tentative step toward me, and extends his hand. “Could I just give you a hug?”

His eyes are so plaintive that I can’t say no. I move toward him and let him put his arms around me. His touch is gentle, and as the scent of sandalwood wafts over me, a feeling of familiarity stuns me. I close my eyes. I know this cologne. I have another flash of kissing someone, his hands tangled in my hair, and mine running through his blond locks. I’m dizzy again, feeling a buzzing in my ears. It’s too much information at once. I pull away and fall back onto the chair, putting my head between my knees.

“I think she needs a little break,” Gigi says.

“Yes, of course.”

Ed clears his throat. “Why don’t you and I go take a walk,” he says to Julian, “and let them have a moment?”

After the door closes, I say to Gigi, “This is so strange, hearing him tell me about me. I don’t feel any sense of familiarity with the woman he’s describing.” I run a hand through my hair. “I don’t want to become that woman.”

Gigi gives me a stern look. “Now you listen to me. Even if you do remember, you are not going to morph into a stranger. You are you now. Your experiences of the last two years have changed you again. If you don’t like the woman you were, you don’t have to become her. And you don’t have to go back to Boston. You can stay here. Maybe find a new therapist here to help you remember.”

“No—I have a daughter, remember? I have to go back.” I hesitate a moment. “Besides, I think I remembered him when he hugged me.”

She raises an eyebrow.

“It was a pleasant memory,” I say.

“Well, that’s good. That bodes well, don’t you think?”

“I guess.”

“Regardless, just know that you can always come back here. And I want you to check in with me every day. I need to know that you’re safe.”

I nod. But I’m not worried about my physical safety. I’m uneasy about what I’m going to find if this cryptic tapestry called my mind is finally unraveled.





??32??

Julian




Julian loaded Cassandra’s suitcases into the trunk and then slid into the driver’s seat. After her emotional goodbye with Ed and Gigi, they were on their way, and he was relieved to finally be alone with her. He’d been anxious to get away from their prying eyes and begin to reestablish a relationship with Cassandra on his own terms.

“There are some cans of raspberry LaCroix in the cooler in the back, as well as KIND bars and bags of almonds.” He’d brought her favorite snacks and beverages with him—or at least, the things that used to be her favorites.

She spoke without turning to look at him. “Thanks, but I’m fine.”

They were quiet as he drove, and he decided to let them sit in the silence with the hope that some of the awkwardness would dissipate. He pressed the stereo button, and the sound of classical music filled the car.

“I’ve got Sirius, so if there’s something else you’d like to listen to, feel free to change the channel.”

“This is fine,” she said, staring out the window.

He fought the urge to say more, to try and coax conversation from her. As the miles passed, he thought ahead to what would happen when they reached the house. He’d offer to put her in the guest room, of course. No matter how much he wanted her to feel immediately at ease and come back to their bedroom, he knew she needed time.