The Stranger in the Mirror(42)
I straighten my back and look him in the eye. “I’m ready to start. It’s been two years. I don’t want to waste another day.”
??36??
Addison
Nothing here is familiar. I keep waiting for something, anything, to trigger my memory, but that hasn’t happened. I’ve gone through photo albums, looking at Valentina, the daughter I don’t remember. Her nanny will bring her home this afternoon, and I will see her for the first time since I’ve arrived. I’m nervous, worried she’ll realize that she’s a stranger to me. Julian assures me that the therapy I’ll begin next week will help me to recover my memories, which is why he hasn’t tried to fill in all the blanks for me. I agree with him that it’s more important for me to try and remember the rest on my own than to have him narrate every detail of my life. It’s the only way I’ll be able to determine if my memories are accurate or if I’m thinking I’m remembering details based on what he tells me. I’m grateful, though, to have a short reprieve before I discover things that I suspect will be very difficult to handle.
I’ve become more comfortable in the house now, and my favorite room is the library. Mahogany bookcases filled with beautiful leather-bound classics line the walls, and a burgundy Oriental carpet covers the floor. I could sit for hours in the peace and quiet of this grand room, burrowing into one of the deep leather chairs with a downy throw around my legs. When I am here, the memory of what I’ve left behind in Philadelphia is a tiny bit less painful.
Even though it’s only been a few weeks since I arrived, it feels like years. I miss Gabriel so much I feel like I can’t breathe at times. When he called me last night, Julian didn’t say anything, but I could tell by his manner that he would prefer him to leave me alone. If the future holds a life here with my husband and child, the time to break all ties with Gabriel will have to come, but I’m not yet ready to do that. Before we hung up, I told him that I loved him and always would. And that I hated myself for the hurt I’ve caused him.
Julian has been wonderful, though. He’s more than patient, and he goes out of his way to make sure I have everything I need. The more I’m around him, the more I can see what must have attracted me in the first place. I realize it’s been only a short time that I’ve “known” him and that no one is perfect, but he definitely possesses more than his fair share of charm. If I weren’t in love with Gabriel, maybe I would be able to entertain the thought of being a wife to Julian in every sense of the word, but I can’t go there yet.
I place the marker on the page and close the book I’m reading. Julian’s last patient is at four thirty, and so he won’t be home until after five. I decide to call Gigi. Her phone rings four times, and just as I am ready to hang up, she answers. “Addison! How are you?”
“I’m okay. I’m sad, but I’m okay, Gigi.”
“Oh, honey. This is so rotten, what you’re going through. I wish I could do something to make it better.”
“I already feel better hearing your voice. I miss you,” I say, trying not to cry.
“I miss you too. This whole place feels so empty without you here.” She stops, and I hear what sounds like a stifled sob.
“Gigi,” I begin. “You and Ed, you’re like family to me. The only family I’ve known. You’ll always be part of my life, no matter what.”
“I hope so, Addy. I would hate to lose you.” I know she’s thinking of her own daughter too. “Tell me, have you been able to remember anything?”
“No, not really, but some things do seem familiar in a way. Julian’s been good to me, not rushing me, so that’s really helped.”
We talk for another fifteen minutes or so, and even laugh, and when we hang up, I feel better, more grounded. Gigi has always been able to do that for me. I pick up the book from my lap and try to read, but I’m unable to concentrate. I think about Valentina again. I’m grateful that Julian gave me time to adjust before bringing her home, although I’m sure it’s been difficult for both of them to be apart these extra three days. We talked about how much I should tell her. We don’t want to frighten her; she’s too young to be able to grasp the concept of amnesia. At first, he suggested we devise some sort of fantastical story to explain why I left and stayed away. Some of the scenarios he came up with sounded like fairy tales. But the more we discussed it, the more we came to the same conclusion. We want to tell her the truth in a way that is simple enough for her to understand, and will assure her that I didn’t deliberately abandon her.
I go back to my book, but soon my eyelids are heavy. I lower the book to my lap and close them.
*
My phone alarm goes off at five o’clock, startling me from sleep, and the book falls to the floor. The sun is beginning to lower in the sky, and the library has grown darker. I sit up straight in the chair, stretching and yawning at the same time, then rise and switch on a lamp. There’s a crimp in my back from sleeping in the deep-seated chair. Julian will be home any time now, and the nanny will be here in less than an hour with Valentina. As I climb the stairs to my room to brush my hair and freshen up, the thumping in my chest begins, and my armpits are damp. I’m as nervous as a deer in the crosshairs. I take my sweatshirt off, throwing it into the hamper, and pull a white cable-knit sweater on over my jeans. When I sit at the vanity, my eyes look tired in the mirror. I press the inner corners of my eyelids, hoping to correct it, and apply a peachy gloss to my lips. I wonder if Valentina will think I’ve changed since she last saw me.