The Perfect Child(63)
“Did you apologize?” It wasn’t lost on me that I had asked Janie the same question after she’d hurt Hannah in some way.
She nodded.
“Okay, well, then you taught her a valuable lesson today. You showed her that everyone screws up, even parents, but we apologize when we do. Those things are just as important for her to learn as the other things we teach her.” I wasn’t saying it to make her feel better, even though I hated seeing her sad; I believed it. There was nothing wrong with Janie discovering her parents were human and made mistakes. I massaged her shoulders. “Why don’t I make you some tea? You get in your pajamas while I grab it, okay?”
I didn’t give her an opportunity to say no. She’d changed into her pajamas and washed her face when I came back. She looked so worn down. The bags underneath her eyes grew bigger each day. I handed her the cup of tea and said, “So I was thinking about something when I was downstairs . . .” She took a sip. “Do you think it’s time we revisited getting you some help with the kids?” I tried to sound as benign as possible to avoid offending her like I had in all our previous discussions about it. She glared at me but didn’t say no, so I quickly continued before she could stop me. “I know we always said that we didn’t want a nanny, but that was before we had two children and realized how hard it was to juggle everything. I’m having a hard time managing all of it myself.” I didn’t want her to think it was only about her. I was struggling too. “That’s why so many people do it, Hannah. And we don’t just have two children—we have two difficult and challenging children. Let’s just be honest: our job is harder than most.” I saw as she considered the possibility for the first time. I had to spring while there was an opening. “We aren’t committing to anything permanently. We can just do it now while everyone is adjusting. Most people have help during the newborn phase.”
She shook her head.
Had I read her wrong? “Your mom comes to help whenever she can. How’s that any different than hiring someone?” I asked.
“Because it’s my mom. It’s not some stranger who’s going to be judging everything I do. Have you seen how trashed this place is?” Her eyes bulged out of her head as she talked.
Janie’s room was the only place in the house that was trashed. Everything else was meticulous. Her frantic cleaning hadn’t changed. If anything, it’d gotten worse.
I chose my words carefully, doing my best not to upset her any further. “Why don’t you just look at a few profiles online and see what you think?”
“I’m not changing my mind.” She crossed her arms on her chest. The door was closed again.
Her stubbornness was maddening, and it didn’t make sense. Hiring someone to help her care for the kids was the perfect solution to our problems. I reached out and caressed her back. “Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re a failure.”
At first, I didn’t think she’d heard me, but then she announced, “I’m just going to breastfeed her.”
I almost spit out my tea. “What?”
It was completely out of the blue. She hadn’t said anything about actually doing it when we were texting earlier today. She couldn’t be serious. Had she even been listening to me?
“I’ve been thinking about it all day today. I googled tandem breastfeeding after she fell asleep tonight.”
I interrupted her. “Tandem breastfeeding?”
“It’s when you breastfeed two different children at the same time.”
“Okay, but can we get back to talking about getting help for a while?” I tried to hide my annoyance at her perpetual avoidance of the topic.
She shook her head. “This might work, Christopher. Part of the reason she feels so left out and is acting out is because Cole’s attached to my breast for most of the day. There’s nothing she hates more than feeling rejected. If she were a part of the experience, she might not feel so jealous.”
I stared at her in disbelief. Motherhood had stripped all her former modesty. Women in other countries breastfed older children all the time, but the image of a grown child that I sat with at the dinner table suckling up to Hannah’s breast slightly disturbed me. I kept my mouth shut, though. She’d finally calmed down, and I didn’t want to say something to upset her all over again. There was no way to know what would set her off these days.
“This could be a bonding experience for us. I’m sure she never experienced it with Becky. I mean, maybe Becky breastfed her, but I doubt it.”
“If you’re comfortable with it, then I support whatever you want to do.” I patted the bed. “Why don’t you lie down and close your eyes?”
She yawned at the mention of sleep. I tucked the blanket underneath her chin just like I did whenever I put Janie to bed. I kissed her on the top of her forehead. “Don’t worry about anything. Just rest. Tomorrow is a new day,” I said.
Hannah grinned at me over breakfast the next morning like we shared a secret. She’d told me earlier while we were making coffee that she was still considering breastfeeding Janie. It was good to see the smile returned to her face, but I secretly hoped she’d forgotten about the idea. It wasn’t just that it was weird. We had worked so hard at moving Janie forward in her development, and it seemed like it’d be a step backward. What if it made her regress even further?