The Perfect Child(60)

“I don’t want him to get nipple confusion. Not yet. He’s got to get comfortable breastfeeding first.”

I didn’t dare argue with her about breastfeeding. Lillian had talked to Hannah about supplementing her breast milk with formula, and she’d acted like formula feeding was the same thing as feeding him glass. Hannah wanted to exclusively breastfeed and wouldn’t consider any other alternatives. I wasn’t used to her being so narrow minded since she was usually so diligent about researching all sides of an issue.

I reminded myself that it had only been a few weeks since she had given birth, and her hormones were wreaking havoc on her; she needed her space to level out. I would wait to bring up leaving Janie alone or unsupervised.

I spent the rest of the night trying to find ways to lessen her load and make things easier for her, so when Cole started screaming again around midnight, I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to get his car seat.

“What are you doing?” Hannah asked when I came back upstairs with it.

“I’m taking him. You need sleep,” I said. As long as he was in the house crying, she would be awake, even if I had him in another room. We’d tried that the other night, and I’d come out to find her listening for his cries outside the guest room door. I took Cole from her, which made him scream louder. I strapped him into the car seat while he wailed.

“Where are you going?” she asked frantically.

“I’m going to drive around with him until he falls asleep.” Dan had told me that he used to drive his girls around at night when they couldn’t sleep. He’d said there was something about the car that lulled them to sleep. I hoped it worked with Cole.

“But it’s two in the morning. I don’t want him out. Please, Christopher, please, don’t go.”

“It’s okay. We’re just going to drive around for a while so you can sleep. You need to sleep.”

She started crying. That’s when I knew just how tired she was, because Hannah wasn’t a girl who cried easily.

“Please, please,” she begged.

I kissed her on the cheek. “Just go to sleep. You’ll see. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

I strapped him into the back seat and started driving. It frustrated me that Hannah wouldn’t consider letting me stay home with the kids while she went back to work. She hadn’t always been so traditional, but staying home and bonding with her children during those first few months had been a dream of hers since she was a little girl, and she refused to let it go. I drove slowly up and down residential streets. It took him forty-five minutes to fall asleep, but he eventually did. I drove for another hour to give him and Hannah time to rest before heading home.

I had barely pulled into the driveway when Hannah whipped open the front door of the house. She stormed outside, waving her arms around manically. She didn’t even let me shut the car off before she yanked open the back door.

“Don’t you ever do that again!” she screamed. She pulled Cole out of the car, waking him up. He immediately started crying.

“What are you doing? He was asleep!” I yelled.

She rushed into the house, and I followed her inside. He quieted once she settled him on her breast. Her face was streaked with tears and blotchy, her eyes wild.

“Did you get any sleep?” I asked.

“Are you kidding me?” she hissed. “I told you not to take him. I was freaking out the entire time you were gone. And you didn’t even answer your phone.”

“I’m sorry. I forgot it.” I tried to hug her, but she pulled away.

“All I pictured were terrible things happening to you guys. I kept seeing you getting carjacked with the baby in the car or getting crushed by a drunk driver. What if a stray bullet hit you?”

“Hannah, calm down. A stray bullet? Where do you think we live?”

Her eyes filled with fear. “I don’t care. That’s what I kept seeing. Don’t ever do that to me again. Ever. Do you understand?”

I nodded. I’d never seen her so unsettled.





THIRTY-EIGHT

HANNAH BAUER

I eyed Christopher in the bathroom as he brushed his teeth, trying to pretend like I wasn’t spying on him. He’d left the door open while he got ready, something he never did because he didn’t want to wake me or Cole. He was trying just as hard to pretend he wasn’t trying to keep an eye on me, but it was the reason he’d kept the door open in the first place. He’d looked at me like I was a stranger the morning after a one-night stand when he’d rolled over in bed earlier.

I didn’t recognize myself any more than he did. I checked to make sure Cole was still asleep in his bassinet next to the bed before inching my way out and following Christopher into the bathroom. I leaned against the counter for support. I was so tired; it took too much energy to stand. He didn’t look up from brushing his teeth.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have freaked out like I did last night.” Shame burned my cheeks.

“It’s okay. You were just exhausted.” He spit out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth.

“It was so weird. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I couldn’t stop the images. They all just felt so real.” This morning it seemed like a strange dream.

“Postpartum pregnancy hormones are brutal, but you’ve got to be near the end of them,” he said. “Things will be better soon.”