The Perfect Child(57)

They put me on bed rest as soon as they wheeled us onto the labor and delivery unit because my water had broken. I wanted to walk the halls, do something besides just lie there, but I was stuck flat on my back. Christopher flicked through the TV channels trying to find something to watch, but nothing interested me. Time stood still as we waited for the baby to arrive. They checked me every few hours into the night, but I still wasn’t dilating. They started me on Pitocin somewhere around four a.m., and that’s when everything changed.

I’d heard the stories about Pitocin making your contractions more painful, and they were all true. Within an hour, I was in mind-numbing pain. It was the only thing I could focus on. My entire body shook. Christopher held my hair back while I puked and tied it up in a ponytail for me afterward. My insides felt like they were being twisted apart.

I clung to Christopher. His face was covered in sweat. His hair stuck up haphazardly from him running his fingers through it again and again.

“I can’t do this. I need the drugs,” I cried.

On my birth plan, I had laid out that I was committed to natural childbirth and didn’t want any pain medication. I wanted to experience everything since it was going to be the only time I’d ever do it. I’d also read all the studies about how the drugs could slow down labor and increase the likelihood of having a C-section, and I wanted to have a natural birth.

“Are you sure?” he asked, the doubt written on his face. He’d listened to me rant for hours about doing labor drug-free.

I gritted my teeth against the pain. “Yes.”

“I’m going to get the nurse,” he said. “I’ll be right back.”

He hurried out of the room and returned with one of the nurses. He rushed back to my bedside and started rubbing my back.

“Don’t touch me!” My entire body felt like it was having a contraction, beginning at my neck and moving all the way down to my feet. White-hot pain at the center. His touch made it worse, not better.

He flinched and stepped back. “Okay, whatever you want. You got this, honey. The nurse is here. She’ll help you.” His eyes pleaded with her to help me.

“I want the drugs! Give me the drugs!” I shouted at her.

“I understand that,” she said. Her voice was calm, unfaltering. “I’ve called the anesthesiologist. He’s with another patient right now, but he’ll be with you once he’s finished with her.” She moved the top of my bed down. “I have to check you again to see how far along you are.”

I gripped the side rails as I lay back and almost passed out from the pain. White spots danced at the corners of my vision. I reached for Christopher and dug my nails into him. “Please, please, I changed my mind. Just give me the drugs.”

He used his other hand to wipe the hair from my forehead. “You’re almost there. The doctor is going to be here any minute.”

The nurse pulled her hand out of me, and her face filled with compassion. “I’m sorry, but it’s too late for the drugs. I can feel the baby’s head in the canal. You’re going to have to push soon.”

I shook my head like a mad dog. “I can’t do it. I’m too tired. It hurts. It hurts so bad!”

“You can do it, honey. You can do it. I know you can. You’re strong,” Christopher said.

My room filled with more nurses and another doctor in addition to my own. Everyone slipped on gear and surrounded my bed. Christopher lifted one of my legs while one of the nurses lifted another, pulling them back against me.

“Stop! Stop!” I shrieked. “I can’t do this. I can’t.”

“Just relax. Take a deep breath,” the nurse instructed. “Breathe. You’ve got to breathe.”

I couldn’t concentrate on anything except the searing pain shooting through me again and again.

“Okay, Hannah, push!” she yelled.

They all chanted to ten while I gritted my teeth and bore down. Animal sounds came out of me. They gave me a few seconds to breathe and then made me do it again and again. I didn’t think it was ever going to stop.

“It’s burning. Something is burning.” I wept from the pain.

“Just push,” the nurse said.

“I can’t. It hurts too much!” But my body ignored me and pushed anyway. “I can’t do it anymore.”

Christopher looked down at me. I locked onto his eyes, feeding off his strength. “You can do it, honey. Just one more big push.”

And just like that, my baby was here. I felt the release immediately as the baby slid out. The doctor grabbed the baby and laid it on my chest.

“It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Christopher cried out.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, all the pain forgotten as he let out a wail. He instantly searched for my breast, and a secret space opened up inside me like it’d been there all along, just waiting to be discovered. He latched on to my nipple. I laughed and cried at the same time.

“He’s perfect,” I said over and over again as Christopher worked with the doctor to cut the umbilical cord like we’d planned.

I fell in love with my baby boy instantly, marveling at his perfection and that he’d lived inside me for so long. My feelings stemmed from the deepest parts of me. He wasn’t a stranger in my arms—it was like a missing piece of myself had been returned.