The Lost Man(94)

‘They’re just kids, mate. You were excited at that age too.’ Nathan started towards the door. ‘Get dressed and come through when you’re ready.’

‘Dad –’ Xander took a breath. ‘I don’t think Sophie hurt her arm riding.’

Nathan sat back down.

‘I was talking to her yesterday and when I mentioned it, she seemed to kind of . . . forget. Then she got this weird look on her face, like she’d said something she wasn’t supposed to.’

The funeral had opened the floodgates, Nathan thought. With Cam safely in the ground, it seemed everyone felt more able to say what they couldn’t when he was walking around. Nathan looked now at his son. He was nearly grown up in so many ways now. Not a child anymore. And there had already been too many secrets kept for too long in that house.

‘Cameron hurt her,’ Nathan said. ‘Ilse told me last night.’

Xander didn’t reply for a long time. ‘Sophie’s just a kid,’ he said finally. ‘How could he do that?’

‘I don’t know, mate.’

‘Do you think Cameron felt bad about it?’

‘I hope so.’

‘Maybe that explains why he left his car.’

‘Yeah. Maybe it does.’

‘Are the girls okay?’

Nathan could hear voices down the hall and thought about Cameron buried outside. ‘I think so, right now, anyway. Why don’t you come and join in?’

He stood up.

‘Dad –?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Sorry about the past couple of days.’ Xander threaded the bedcover between his fingers, the way he used to when he was young. ‘I was just worried.’

‘I know. I’m sorry too,’ Nathan said. ‘And look, you’re right. I’ve got an appointment with Steve. And I’ll have a think – a proper one – about some changes. I can’t promise I’m going to move away, mate –’

Xander looked disappointed, but Nathan wanted to be honest. And it was true. He couldn’t simply leave, for lots of reasons. Financial. Practical. And not least because sometimes, quite a lot of the time, he felt connected to the outback in a way that he loved. There was something about the brutal heat when the sun was high in the sky and he was watching the slow meandering movement of the herds. Looking out over the wide-open plains and seeing the changing colours in the dust. It was the only time when he felt something close to happiness. If Xander couldn’t feel it himself, and Nathan knew not everyone could, then he couldn’t explain it. It was harsh and unforgiving, but it felt like home.

‘Things will be better, though, I promise.’ Nathan reached out and put his arms around his boy. Xander hugged him back. ‘You can trust me.’

‘Yeah. I know.’

They pulled apart and Nathan left Xander to get up and dressed. Out in the hall, he could still hear chatter coming from the living room. It was a nice sound. He started towards it, then stopped at the sight of the landline phone. He glanced back at Xander’s room, then without thinking too hard about it, he walked over and dialled a number. It had been a while and he got it wrong the first time. He tried again.

‘Hello?’ The voice was both familiar and that of a stranger.

‘Jacqui? It’s Nathan.’

There was a confused pause, then: ‘Has something happened to Xander?’

‘No, he’s fine.’ He heard her breathe out in relief. ‘I wanted to talk to you, actually.’

‘Oh.’ Another pause. ‘Okay.’ She sounded surprised, but not nearly as hostile as he remembered. She sounded different from the way she did in her emails or through her lawyer.

‘Listen, Jacqui, I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for abandoning your dad. Whatever had happened between me and you, it was a terrible thing to do and if I could go back and change it, I would.’

‘Oh.’ An even longer pause. ‘Thank you.’

‘And I’m sorry I wasn’t what you needed, for you or for Xander.’

He expected the silence this time and waited.

‘You’ve always given Xander what he needed,’ Jacqui said finally. He heard her take a breath. ‘Sorry, Nathan, I have to ask, is it skin cancer? Have you had a bad result?’

‘What? No.’

‘Then what’s brought this on?’

‘I just –’ He stopped. ‘It felt like it was time.’

It was true, he realised. It was hard work staying angry for ten years. Jacqui sounded tired too. They spoke for a bit longer. It was awkward and rusty, but it was like an old piece of machinery. He could imagine it being functional once again. She sent her condolences about Cameron. Nathan gritted his teeth and asked politely after Martin. He was doing very well, apparently, his star continuing its ascendance in the field of metal-centric architecture. Nathan’s gaze wandered as Jacqui made awkward small talk about some renovation work they were planning for Xander’s bedroom. His eyes landed on the key rack above the family log book. Cameron’s car keys hung from their lanyard, exactly where Nathan had put them himself a couple of days earlier.

It was the silence on the other end of the phone that told him he’d missed something. ‘Sorry, what was that?’

A small sigh of disappointment. That brought back a few memories, but he pushed them aside. ‘I was saying thanks for understanding about Xander’s exams and him needing to be at home more.’ Jacqui paused. ‘I know you miss him.’