The Guilt Trip(82)

“Jack had to stay in town the Wednesday before last,” she says, as if to herself.

Noah’s face suddenly changes, as if the enormity of such a possibility is dawning on him for the first time.

“It’s nothing,” she says, shaking herself down, unable to believe she’s allowed her mind to go there. “It’s nothing.”

“I think you’re barking up the wrong tree,” says Noah gently. “Though that’s not to say that I would put it past Jack…”

“To have an affair?” she asks.

Noah’s silence speaks volumes.

“So, you’re saying you think he is?” she asks.

“I just wouldn’t be surprised” is all he says, but it feels like he’s forcing himself to stop there in case he divulges something he shouldn’t.

“If you know something…”

“Come on, Rach,” he groans. “You’re putting me in an impossible position.”

“You’re supposed to be my friend,” she says.

He tilts his head to the side, as if offended by her questioning his loyalty. “You know better than to ask which side of the fence I’m on.”

“Do I?” she asks, knowing she’s playing devil’s advocate. “Because from where I’m standing, it’s not looking too clear cut.”

Noah smiles wryly. “Don’t make this about you and me. You know my stance on this. You know how I feel about Jack.”

Rachel looks at him, taken aback. She has no idea how he feels about Jack, because they’ve never discussed it. “Wouldn’t this be a good time to tell me?” she asks.

He looks down at his feet, as if weighing the pros and cons of divulging what he’s clearly been keeping hidden. Rachel wonders if it’s based on just the last few days, or whether he’s got years of disclosures to make.

Noah confirms it’s the latter when he says, “I’ve never thought he was good enough for you.”

Rachel laughs tightly at the sweeping statement. “Is that Jack specifically, or would that judgment befall any man I happened to fall in love with?”

“I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy,” he says.

“And until I came here, I was!” she says, her voice high-pitched.

“Exactly,” says Noah. “That’s why I’ve always kept my opinion to myself because you would only have held it against me.”

“Jack’s treated me well,” she says.

“Until he didn’t,” he says, finishing the sentence for her.

Rachel feels the sting of tears in her eyes as she looks at him. Good, dependable Noah, who always gives it to her straight. Except now, just for once, she wants him to sugar-coat it and lie, because that feels like the only way she’s going to get through this.

“Do you think he knows what we did?” Rachel says, feeling like she can’t breathe.

“What we did?” repeats Noah. “You say it with such disdain, as if it was the worst thing you’ve ever done.”

“It was!” she snaps, as a tear falls onto her cheek. “I’ve never regretted anything as much as I regret that.”

The shock on Noah’s face makes her feel sick, as if she’s been punched in the stomach. The hurt in his eyes is decades old, and since the beginning of time, when he’s hurt, she’s hurt. To know she’s caused his pain breaks her. She wants to take it back, to tell him the truth: that that night was incredible, that he’d made her feel the most special she’d ever felt, that it was everything she had imagined it would be. But that would only fan the fire that’s burning precariously close to their fingertips—the ones that are clinging onto a perilous ledge, desperately trying to hold on.

“Well, just for the record,” says Noah quietly. “The only regret I have is that I couldn’t persuade you to come away with me.”

“Just because you didn’t get what you wanted doesn’t give you the right to question Jack’s loyalty. I made the decision to stay.”

“Because of him,” says Noah bitterly.

“I loved him,” she says, though even before the words are out, she knows it was a close-run race.

And now, as she watches Paige’s Tiffany heart bracelet slip down as she stubs out her cigarette, she’s wondering if she backed the wrong horse.





24



“Ali,” says Rachel quietly, almost hoping she doesn’t hear her.

“Hey, sister-in-law,” says Will drunkenly, noticing her between them and pulling her under his arm to join in a rendition of “New York, New York.”

“Hey,” she says, forcing herself to sound upbeat. “Are you having a good time?”

“How can I not be?” he says, looking lovingly at Ali, who is discreetly inching away from Rachel. “Look at my gorgeous bride!”

Rachel smiles. “She looks beautiful, doesn’t she?”

“She sure does,” Will slurs.

“And that necklace is gorgeous,” says Rachel. “Was that a gift from you?”

Will smiles broadly. “Yep, I left it under her pillow for her to find this morning.”

Rachel’s heart sinks, at the realization that Ali being Jack’s mistress was the better option. Because, as bizarre as it seems, that’s preferable, given the alternative.