The Guilt Trip(78)
She watches as the three of them stand there and wonders if this is the moment that her life implodes. She imagines Jack and Paige looking at each other, openmouthed in shock, as Ali reveals what she saw and heard last night. Her heart beats double time, waiting for Jack to howl into the darkness like an animal who’s just had its newborn snatched by a predator. Even if Josh is his, she’ll never be able to make this right. She’s suddenly aware that despite everything that Ali has done, nothing compares to the consequences of what one night, twenty years ago, could bring to bear.
Her brain wants to run to them, but her body won’t let her; too scared of what she will be met with when she gets there. She looks at the fifty or so meters between them and wonders how so little distance can stand between her and her future. Would it make a difference if she were to offer her heartfelt apologies? Would it save her marriage? Her friendship with Paige if she were able to defend her actions? If she explained why she honestly thought that burying the remote possibility was the best thing to do—for all of them.
A hand slides into hers and she turns to see Noah standing beside her, his vexed expression matching her own.
Despite knowing she should pull her hand away, she leaves it there for a moment, because she needs to. It reminds her that there is one person who might still be standing beside her when this is all over. She can’t help but wonder if he might ultimately be the most important.
Suddenly, Paige emerges from the darkness, her face like thunder, as she strides toward them purposefully, with Jack trailing behind her. Rachel drops Noah’s hand as if she’s been given an electric shock and goes toward her.
“Bitch,” snaps Paige, when their two paths collide.
An icy hand reaches into Rachel’s chest and wraps itself around her heart, squeezing until she can no longer feel it pumping. She goes to defend herself, but her mouth has dried up and she doesn’t know where she’d even begin.
“You need to get out of my way,” Paige says to Noah, who is blocking her in a misguided attempt at placating her.
Rachel looks at him wide-eyed as they both silently acknowledge the deluge they’re trying to hold back.
“I mean it…” says Paige, locking eyes with him.
“Paige…” starts Rachel.
Paige spins around to face her, with flared nostrils. “What?” she yells.
“I’m sorry,” starts Rachel, terrified by this version of her best friend, one she hasn’t seen before. But then she doesn’t know what else she should have expected. “I can’t begin to understand how you must be feeling…”
“You have no fucking idea,” says Paige.
Rachel wants to shrink into herself, away from the toxic atmosphere of everyone having held a secret in for so long that it now feels like they’re all about to spontaneously combust.
“I just…” says Rachel, not knowing where to even start. “I just want you to know…”
Paige shakes her head, as if in an effort to clear the poisonous thoughts that are trapped there. “I’m sorry,” she says, sighing deeply. “I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”
“Wh … what?” asks Rachel, numbly, as her knees threaten to buckle with relief. She holds onto the door to the restaurant for support, not wanting to count her chickens before they’ve hatched. “What happened?”
Paige takes a deep breath in and out. “She really is quite something,” she says. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so divisive in all my life.”
“What did she say?” Rachel asks, before tensing her shoulders up in the hope that they might reach her ears and render her deaf to the answer.
“I won’t let her get away with the lies she’s peddling,” she says, shaking her head. “She’s going to pay.”
“I can understand you being angry,” says Rachel. “But this isn’t the way to deal with it.”
“You honestly expect me to let that liar get away with it?” asks Paige, exasperated.
“No,” says Rachel, daring to believe that Ali’s not told her about Noah and Josh. “No, of course not, but there is a time and a place. And here and now isn’t it.”
Paige suddenly grabs hold of Rachel’s arms and turns her to face her. “You know that Jack and I aren’t…” It’s as if she can’t bring herself to say it. “You do know that, don’t you?”
“Of course,” says Rachel, her voice high-pitched.
“Are you okay?” asks Jack, coming up to them. It’s only when Rachel turns to look at him that she realizes he’s talking to Paige.
Rachel stands there, between her husband and her best friend, yet feels like she’s a million miles from anyone. Jack’s fraught with an unnerving panic. Paige is as incensed as Rachel’s ever seen her. Both of them are seemingly oblivious to the fact that even while she’s trying to comfort them, it’s her world that’s falling apart at the seams.
Guests are beginning to bristle, as if they know something’s amiss, but are not quite sure what. It would help enormously if the DJ put a record on to distract everyone’s attention from what may or may not be going on outside. But in the absence of music, they’re craning their necks to get a better view.
There’s no escaping the fact that Will is clearly comforting Ali, as he wipes her tears and looks at her earnestly. Eventually, after taking a few deep breaths, she comes back into the restaurant to a round of applause.