The First Mistake(74)

‘We’ll be okay,’ Alice had lied.

She’d lain awake that night, holding Sophia close to her, her little body taking up not even half the space in their bed that Tom’s had just a few nights before. How could he be gone? How could someone so loved, so needed, wake up one morning, walk out the front door and never come back? How was that even possible?

‘Perhaps we don’t give her the credit she deserves,’ says Linda, snapping Alice back into the present. ‘For getting to where she is today, knowing what she’s been through – what you’ve both been through.’

Alice nods numbly and fights the clenching in her throat that tells her that tears are imminent.

‘Oh darling, what’s wrong?’ asks Linda as she pulls Alice towards her and kisses the top of her head.

Should she tell her mother what’s been going on? She so desperately wants to offload everything in her head, hear her mother say that she’s got it all wrong about Tom. Linda loved him like her own son and wouldn’t have a bad word said about him. But as much as Alice wants to share her newfound knowledge, she knows that it would be a selfish act. It might make her feel better for a moment, but it would crush her mother, and then she’d question whether Sophia should be told. No, there is nothing to be gained from saying anything.

‘Nothing, I’m fine,’ she lies. ‘I just missed the girls.’

‘Well, you should do it more often,’ Linda says. ‘It does you good to get away from it all every now and again.’

Alice doesn’t have the heart to tell her that she’d taken half the problem away with her.

‘So, anyway, come on, tell me, how was Japan?’ asks Linda, as she fills the kettle and clicks it on.

‘It’s a beautiful place, so much culture, and the people are just lovely.’

‘And the project? Is that all going ahead?’

Alice smiles, hoping that it reaches her eyes, as her mother will be the first to notice if it doesn’t.

‘Yes, it’s an amazing opportunity,’ she says, sounding like she’s reading from a textbook. ‘Really exciting.’

‘I’m so proud of you, Alice,’ says Linda. ‘Of everything you’ve achieved.’

Alice smiles. ‘I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew with this one.’

‘Nonsense,’ says Linda. ‘You will rise to the challenge, as you always do.’

‘Thanks Mum. It means a lot.’

‘And I assume Nathan is fully supportive?’ she asks without looking at Alice, as if she’s been waiting for the right time to broach the subject.

Alice marvels at her mother’s knack of always hitting the nail on the head. ‘It’s all his idea,’ she says. ‘He’s fully behind it.’

‘But is he fully behind you?’ her mother asks.

Alice smiles tightly in answer and Linda looks away pensively.

Her mother has never voiced her opinion, but Alice can tell from her expressions and the look in her eye sometimes that she has reservations about Nathan. She had gently urged Alice to slow down when it had all seemed to be going too fast.

‘Just give yourself some time,’ she’d said when Alice came home aglow after their fourth date. ‘You don’t need to rush into anything. If this man is right for you, he’ll wait until you’re ready.’

But somewhere between the jigs and the reels, her sound advice had gone unheeded, because three months later Alice discovered she was pregnant.

‘How can this be?’ she’d cried hysterically into Nathan’s arms. ‘This wasn’t supposed to happen.’

‘I know you’re frightened, but I promise you, I’m not going anywhere.’

‘I can’t put another child through that,’ she’d said through her tears. ‘I can’t put Sophia through that again.’

‘Not everyone dies at thirty-two,’ he’d said, gently.

‘It’s not just about dying. It’s about a child losing one of their parents for any reason: death, divorce . . . I just can’t put another child through that.’

He’d kissed the top of her head and rocked her gently. ‘You won’t be on your own. I’ll always be here for you – for all of you.’

‘Don’t you dare make a promise you can’t keep,’ Alice had sobbed. ‘That’s not fair.’

‘I swear to you, I’ll not let you down. Would it make you feel better if I moved in with you? Will that prove to you that I’m not about to go anywhere?’

Alice had nodded gratefully.

‘But Tom’s not yet been gone a year,’ her mother had said when she heard the news. ‘You’re still grieving. Take your time – there’s no need to rush into anything. You hardly know this man.’

Now, for the first time, Alice wonders if her mother had seen something she hadn’t.





36


As soon as Alice sees Olivia running across the playground, with her arms outstretched, she feels equal measures of happiness and guilt.

‘You’re back,’ she squeals as Alice picks her up and swings her around. ‘Is Daddy home too?’

Alice imagines her answer if she decides that Nathan’s cheating is not something she’s prepared to put up with. No darling, he’s moved out. You can see him every other weekend. Her chest tightens.