The Dead Ex(93)

‘I see.’

Several members of the jury are beginning to look even more doubtfully at me.

‘I gather that you had to retire from the prison service because of your medical condition.’

‘Yes.’

‘Your marriage then broke down. Was there a final trigger for this?’

My nails are digging into the palms of my hands. ‘Yes.’

‘Can you tell us what?’

‘You mean “who”.’ I raise my face, aware it is hot with anger. ‘Tanya. I told you before. She stole my husband.’

‘Would you like to go into more detail?’

Despite my earlier thoughts about being more careful, all the old anger comes rushing out. ‘I’d always suspected them of being close but then one night, David came home drunk. I asked him where he’d been, and he came straight out and told me that he was in love with Tanya.’

‘This is the woman you refer to in your diary, I believe.’

I nod.

‘The one whom you said you could “happily kill”.’

My mouth is bone dry. ‘Yes but I didn’t mean it.’

‘Why did you write it, then?’

‘Because I was hurt. Angry. Upset.’

‘Enough to murder her?’

‘No! I’ve already said that I didn’t do it.’ I intend saying this in a reasonable manner. But the prosecution’s needling approach has upset me, and it comes out so loud I see the judge flinch.

‘Can you tell us more about how you felt when your ex-husband told you he was in love with Tanya, who was then his PA?’

She sounds almost sympathetic even though the prosecution is not on my side. I find myself telling the court things that I hadn’t done when my own defence had asked me to tell my story. ‘It was when he said he loved her. I could have coped with lust, but this was different. I begged him to stay, but he wouldn’t. He packed a bag and left, saying … saying he had no use for me now.’

The jury is gripped.

‘What did he mean by that?’

‘I asked him the same question.’ I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. ‘He said that my status as a prison governor had given him standing. Now I was no one. He also said that … that a baby would have “sealed” it. But because I’d lost our child, we were finished too.’

Several members of the jury shake their heads.

‘Did you feel betrayed?’

‘Yes. But I kept hoping,’ I add, ‘that the grief from the loss of our child might have made him act in this way. I still loved him. I couldn’t believe he was leaving me. So I left the door open, as it were.’ Tears are blurring my eyes. ‘It’s why I kept ringing him. Letting him know when I moved each time.’

The prosecution’s tone now becomes steely. ‘Did you ever threaten to kill him?’

‘No! Of course not.’

‘We’ve already heard that during your marriage, your husband asked you to sign a document declaring you were buying a house for $3.4 million in the States. You refused because you “hadn’t seen the house and because he was buying it in cash”.’

I nod.

‘You also said that you believed he was “using my status to hide any wrongdoings” and that you had “prisoners in my care who were in for money laundering. One way of getting rid of dirty money was to purchase houses with it.” ’

‘That’s right.’

‘So your husband’s behaviour could have been professionally damaging to your career. I put it to you that you took out your anger at him on his wife.’

‘No. That’s not true.’

But I can see the seed of doubt has been planted in the jurors’ minds.

I take a sip of water. My knees will barely hold me up. I’m not sure how much more I can take of this. And then I see him.

It can’t be. I have to be imagining this, just as I imagined him going up the escalator that time. My mind has to be playing tricks. This man, who is the spitting image of my ex-husband, is sidling up to the prosecution bench and whispering to the team. One of them passes a note to the barrister examining me. Her face tightens.

‘Mrs Goudman, do you recognize this man who has just come in?’

I begin to shake violently. ‘He looks like my ex-husband.’

‘Louder please – with his precise name.’

‘David Goudman. My ex-husband.’

As I speak, he looks directly at me. There is no doubt this time. Where the hell has he been?

The jury is electrified.

‘Why are you so surprised and shocked?’

Anger and relief burst out of my mouth. ‘Because he’s finally turned up, of course.’

‘I suggest that the real reason is that you are now face to face with the man you have been stalking for months.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘I also suggest that you hoped to get him back. Is that correct?’

‘Sometimes,’ I whisper. ‘Sometimes not.’

‘But Tanya Goudman was the one person standing in your way. So you killed her.’

‘No!’

The court is in uproar. The judge asks for the jury to be sent out and calls for the prosecution and defence barristers to approach him.