The Dead Ex(88)

‘I don’t remember anything about them,’ I told the doctor. ‘But I have noticed a sort of burning-rubber smell just beforehand. I also got very thirsty on the last occasion.’

He looked as though I’d said something exciting. ‘They can be forewarnings as a result of unusual brain activity. Not every epileptic gets them, so this is good news because it will give you a chance to be prepared. Always make sure you are somewhere safe. It’s also best not to sleep alone.’

I thought of David’s frequent absences from home and my own demanding schedule, which meant I spent six nights out of seven in prison staff quarters.

‘Some fatalities,’ added the doctor, ‘occur either because of accidents such as falling and hitting the head, or from drowning or from SUDEP – sudden unexplained death in epilepsy.’

‘Fatalities?’ I repeated, shocked. ‘I didn’t realize it was that serious.’

‘Try not to worry. Hopefully we can control it with the right medication and the correct dosage.’

It took another three seizures before they finally found a drug that worked better than the others. The downside, they said, was that this particular medication might affect my memory recall. The other side effects, when I looked them up, were equally alarming, with several online ‘personal accounts’ of degeneration of the brain. ‘Ignore them,’ said Patrick crisply.

But the worst of it was that doubts were now being cast on my ability to do my job. ‘I’ll be fine,’ I insisted when the chair of the board suggested I took more time off.

Then I had yet another – despite the meds – on the mother-and-baby unit, which apparently made the children scream with terror, even though I could remember none of it.

They upped my dosage. The girls began to give me a wide berth when they passed me on the corridor or on the wings. Staff looked at me differently. A further seizure happened a month later when I was showing a visitor from the Home Office around. That was the clincher.

‘We have to be sensible,’ said the chair when they called me in for a full board meeting. ‘You’ll get a good pension. I’m sorry, but we need to consider our duty of care to the inmates. What if you hurt someone when lashing out?’

‘This only happened because one of them hurt me!’

Zelda had been found guilty and given another sentence on top of her existing one. But her punishment couldn’t bring back my child. I felt in my pocket for the three-month ultrasound pregnancy scan picture, which I still carried everywhere along with my grief.

‘That bit about me naming my baby Patrick probably sounds mad to you,’ I now say to my solicitor. ‘But over the years it really helped me.’

Her eyes are milky with sympathy. ‘I might well have done the same.’

The barrister is still writing. ‘If you can tell the jury what you’ve just told us, Vicki,’ he says, looking up, ‘there won’t be a dry eye in the house. How did you and David end?’

I’ve gone over this again and again in my head. ‘My husband came home late one night to the house in Kingston. He was drunk. Then he …’

I stop, fighting back the tears.

The barrister waits. So does Penny. There’s no getting out of this.

‘He said that he’d fallen in love with Tanya.’ I raise my face angrily. ‘Not that he fancied her, but that he was in love with her.’

I can still feel the shock waves when he told me.

‘I never really loved you,’ he’d roared. ‘Anyway, I’ve no use for you now.’

‘I don’t understand.’

His face was close to mine. At times, it could be ugly rather than handsome. ‘Do you know why I proposed?’ he spat. ‘Because I liked the idea of being with a woman in authority. Someone who had status. A baby would have sealed it. Made us a proper family whom the world would take notice of. But that’s all gone now, and so has us.’

‘You can’t mean that,’ I’d howled.

‘Trust me. I do.’

Then he’d packed a case and walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Despite everything, I still kept hoping that it was the drink coupled with grief over the baby that had made him say such cruel words. Surely this also explained why he’d allowed himself to be lured into Tanya’s arms. Illogically, I blamed her rather than him. But he never came back.

‘He claimed he didn’t have any money when we were thrashing out the divorce settlement. Tanya bought me out instead.’ I wince at the humiliation. ‘It’s how they stayed in the Kingston house. She liked it, apparently.’

Talk about rubbing my nose in it, I almost added.

‘I had my pay-off from the prison too. To start with, I rented a flat in London while I decided what to do next. But I was bored. How could I stay at home all day, waiting for a seizure which might or might not come? I’d been used to a busy life.’

My solicitor nods as though she understands this.

‘That’s when I got my idea. It would be difficult to work for someone else, because an employer might be nervous about my condition. But I could work for myself.’

They both listen keenly.

‘I’d helped to launch a “beauty and relaxation” salon at one of my previous prisons. Women could train there, which gave them a chance of getting a job after release. I’d been particularly impressed by the aromatherapy treatment, which helped to soothe me. I thought this would reduce my tension – and also help others. So I did my training and then moved to Dorset.’