The Crow King's Wife (The Elder Blood Chronicles #5)(48)

“I wanted to see if you would lie to my face twice, Finn.” Jala said softly her eyes intent on his every move. She pushed her emotions back further and forced herself to focus on everything she needed to say to him. Now wasn’t the time to be sentimental. It was time for truth. She hadn’t seen the lie the first time. There had been too much confusion in her mind and her thoughts had been too occupied with Jexon at that point, but after examining her memories over and over she could see it clearly. It had been too late by the time she had realized it though. Too much had already happened that she wouldn’t take back.

Finn seemed to deflate with her words and slouched back against the wall. His smile faded and he looked away from her for a long moment before shaking his head slowly. “There wouldn’t be much point to that now would there, Jala?” he met her gaze once more and she could see the pain written in his green eyes.

“Why would you lie to me about that? I would have done anything for you, Finn.” Jala tried to keep the anger from her voice, but failed miserably. Of all the questions she had ever asked in her life the one Finn had lied on had been the most important. Everything would be different if he had simply said Yes Jala, I did love you.

Finn stared at her for a long moment and smiled sadly before sliding down the temple wall to sit on the floor. He folded his knees before him and rested his elbows across them. In that moment the Divine of Death was gone and it was just Finn facing her. The bearing he had held when he arrived had evaporated before her eyes leaving only the man she had loved more than life itself behind to face her. “My Grandmother once told me that when you truly loved someone you would do whatever it took to make them happy, even if it meant they were no longer with you. I didn’t understand her words until you stood before me, Jala, and I knew then that all I wanted was to see you happy even if it wasn’t with me. I was wrong about Val when I said he would treat you like a whore in Sanctuary. I was wrong about a lot of things, but that was probably my biggest misjudgment ever. I watched how he stood beside you and how he was always there for you, and I realized how much I had always underestimated him and how much better he was for you. Valor truly listens to you, and I have a habit of truly listening to my temper more than anything else.” Finn paused and rubbed at his face before leaning back against the wall to stare up at the ceiling. “Lying to you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I did it because I thought it was the best thing for you. I wanted you and Legacy to be safe and happy.” He admitted quietly.

“Do I f*cking look happy to you Finn?” Jala demanded in a ragged voice. “Everything in this god damn world is falling apart and no matter what I try I can’t hold it together. I can’t even hold myself together, Finn. I’m about to marry my best friend and I can’t stop thinking about you. That isn’t fair to Valor and I hate myself because of it! You lied to me on the most important thing. You f*cking lied to me when I needed the truth, Finn.” She knew her voice was growing hysterical and her eyes were so filled with tears that the entire room was blurred. “How in the hell am I supposed to live with this, Finn? I have been trying to force feed myself your lie for months so I don’t have to face the truth, and it isn’t working anymore. Every time I am not occupied the guilt hits me like a blow to the gut. I let you die, I failed to bring you back, and I gave Valor part of my heart. I could have saved you if you just would have told me the truth. You acted as though you had what you wanted. I thought it was the power of being a Divine that you loved then.” She sank to the ground facing him and let out a ragged breath as the first of the tears coursed down her cheeks. “Part of me wants to despise you, and the other part of me wants to cling to you like a child.” She admitted bitterly before meeting his eyes once more. “Why didn’t my opinion matter to you, Finn? Why did you decide what would make me happy without bothering to ask me?”

“What could I have given you, Jala? I am the bloody Divine of Death now remember? I can’t stay in the Sunlit world. I can’t be there for you every time you need me. I can’t make you happy no matter how much I might want to, Vezradesh. I could have kept you beside me in the Darklands, believe me the temptation was there, but that would have meant that Legacy had to live without you. I couldn’t do that to him, Jala. No matter how selfish I was in life, I couldn’t take you away from him. He needs you so much, and so does Val. You are their everything, just like you were for me.” Finn rubbed at his face and shook his head miserably. “Like you still are for me.” He corrected quietly. “I trapped myself, Jala and it wasn’t something I could escape from. You didn’t let me die. I chose to die to free Sanctuary from the Justicars. I had a way out, but it meant the Barrier would remain up, and you would still be trapped. You didn’t fail at saving me either, Jala. You gave me back life and you gave me the opportunity to kill the Divine. If not for you I would be serving that bitch as a demon. Instead I control things there. As far as Valor goes, I can’t think of anyone I would rather see at your side. At first it was like a knife in the chest, but the more I watched him the more I saw how much he loved you and how devoted he was to you and Legacy. It still hurts knowing it can’t be me, but it’s for the best and I know it. We are walking different paths now and no matter how much I might want to walk beside you, we both know I can’t.”

“I would have devoted my life to freeing you from that trap if I would have known, Finn.” Jala said. Her voice quavered and she had to fight back a sob. Seeing him this close and knowing everything was over was one of the most painful things she had ever been forced to endure. There was no going back though, that wasn’t why she had called him here. Facing him was her first step to truly moving forward.