The Certainty of Violet & Luke(22)

‘Dammit. Did I f*ck this up?’ I grip onto the steering wheel, trying to calm down and think of something else, but it’s all I can think of. When my head feels like it’s on the verge of exploding, I decide to call my father to let him know what’s happening, figuring it’ll be a distraction from my obsessive need to analyze Violet and mine’s relationship.

‘Hey, Luke,’ he answers after three rings.

‘Mom’s in jail,’ I tell him. ‘They arrested her for … for her involvement in Violet’s parents’ murders.’

‘Luke, I’m so sorry,’ he says sympathetically.

I lean back in the seat of the truck and stare out the window at the stars. I remember when I first got my license and this truck, how I used to sleep in it just to avoid going home. I’d just park somewhere out in the mountains and turn on some music and stare up at the night sky, basking in the peace of not having to be anywhere near my mother. ‘You don’t need to be sorry. I’m glad she’s locked up.’

‘That’s not what I’m sorry for,’ he tells me with a heavy-hearted sigh. ‘I’m sorry you have to go through this … that you and Violet have to go through this. It has to be tough … your mother … her parents … God, I can’t even imagine how Violet feels right now.’

‘I can’t either, since she won’t talk to me about it.’ I’ve never been one for talking about personal stuff going in my life so I surprise us both when I say this. I didn’t even mean to say it aloud, but between the stress and lack of sleep, my brain’s been working a little slow the last couple of weeks.

‘That’s pretty understandable, considering the circumstances.’ He pauses. ‘How are you handling it?’

‘I already told you I’m glad that she’s in jail.’

‘Not with that. I mean, handling Violet being distant.’

I shrug even though he can’t see me. ‘Fine, I guess.’

‘Luke … you don’t sound fine.’ There’s hesitancy in his voice, something that exists because our relationship is still rocky. I feel like I’m just getting to know my dad after years of him being pretty much nonexistent in my life and I think he feels guilty for being nonexistent, especially after finding out some of the stuff that went on with my mother while Amy and I were growing up. ‘You know I’m here if you need to talk.’

I plan on telling him that I’m fine again. That I called him just to give him a heads up on what’s going on with my mother, but suddenly words are leaving my lips that I don’t mean to say. ‘I told Violet I love her.’ Fuck.

‘Oh.’ He’s silent, thinking about who the f*ck knows. Probably that his son is still screwing up, something I’ve proved to him quite a few times with my drinking and gambling habit.

‘I told her right after she told me about mom,’ I say then add with a sarcastic laugh, ‘Perfect f*cking time, right?’

He chuckles on the other end of the line ‘I told Trevor I loved him during his grandmother’s funeral.’

‘Well he married you so it must have worked.’ I aim for a light tone but suck at it big time.

He chuckles again. ‘I was just telling you so you’d know that when it happens it happens and sometimes we can’t help it when we fall in love. It just sort of blindsides us, you know.’

He’s completely right. When I first realized I was in love with Violet, it came out of nowhere. It was like one minute I liked her and wanted to help her and the next minute I loved her and would do anything for her. ‘I’ve known for a while.’ I free a trapped breath, deciding if I want to go down this road with him, where we talk about our feeling and personal shit. What the hell am I doing? This doesn’t sound like me at all. But am I really me anymore? My eyes wander to the rearview mirror, the person staring back at me isn’t me either. They look healthier. More stable. My eyes less glossy, skin less pale.

‘That you loved her?’ He carries on with caution

I squirm at the sound of the love. Unlike Violet, I did hear it a lot from my mother while growing up, but it always felt wrong when she said it … and the way she showed it. ‘Yeah … I’ve known for like a month and have been waiting for the perfect time to say it to her. But like I said, I f*cked up on that one big time.’

A gap of silence passes.

‘What did Violet say after you told her?’ he asks.