The Certainty of Violet & Luke(20)

His eyes skim every inch of me, making me tingle all over and he’s not even touching me and it seems like he wants to say something, but can’t figure out what it is. The silence stretches between us. It seems like the longest silence ever, the kind that seems like it’s never going to end and I know that the longer it goes on, the worse the words that follow it will be.

Finally his lips part and words spill out. ‘I love you.’

At first I think I’ve heard him wrong, but his eyes widen as I process what the f*ck he just said.

‘Huh?’ I blink, stunned as shit. ‘W-what did you just say?’

More silence stretches between us, only this time it’s filled with our erratic breathing. It makes me want to retract my initial statement. This is the longest silence that’s ever existed. And it’s awkward as hell. Luke looks utterly perplexed, his brows dipped in, his thinking face on as if he’s replaying what he just said over in his head while thoughts race through my flabbergasted mind. Did he just say he loves me? Loves me? No one’s ever said that to me since I was five, since my parents were still alive.

‘Oh my God.’ They’re the first words that leave my mouth. I don’t know where they came from or what I mean by them. All I know is that feels like the wind’s been knocked out of me and I feel like I’m being strangled.

‘I didn’t mean to say that,’ he finally says, but it doesn’t seem like he regrets saying them either. He’s way too calm. Way, way to calm while I’m freaking out. ‘I mean, I did mean to say it, just not right now.’ He forces a half smile as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. ‘Way bad timing, right?’

I gape at him, my mouth hanging to my knees, at a loss for words. He’s acting like this isn’t a big deal, but it is. A huge, f*cked up, confusing deal that I don’t know how to comprehend or handle.

I remain quiet to the point that it feels like I want to bang my head on the wall just to make some noise. I keep staring at Luke, unable to take my eyes off him. Part of me, the one connected to the side of my mind that still wants to believe in fairytales, unicorns, and all that imaginary shit, tells myself that the only reason I’m sitting here with him still is because my legs hurt too much to get up and walk away. But the other part of me, the one connected to the part of my mind that laughs at me when I’m trying to lie to myself, tells me that I’m still sitting here because I want to be here. And that in itself is horrifying.

‘Violet, please say something.’ There’s a plea in Luke’s voice, begging me to … break the awkwardness? To maybe say it back? I don’t know if that’s it, but what I do know is that I can’t. I don’t even know what love is.

‘I need to get down to the police station.’ I stare at him a second or two longer before tearing my gaze off him. ‘Detective Stephner is probably wondering where the hell I am by now.’ I don’t know how, but I manage to get my legs under me and stand up without falling back down. Then I slowly step toward the dresser to get some clean clothes.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to wait until the tomorrow?’ he asks. ‘Get some rest before you go?’

‘I just want to get this over with.’ I select a red shirt, a pair of jeans, and a matching bra and panties. I think about asking him to step out so I can change, but worry that’ll just make this situation even more awkward. It’s not like I normally ask him to step out. In fact, I sometimes strip in front of him to tease him. So I remove my shirt off and toss it on the floor, the bracelet getting caught in the fabric in the process. ‘Hey, you didn’t by chance find a silver bracelet, did you? And put it on me? ‘I ask as casually as I can as I work to untangle the bracelet form my dress.

‘No … Why … And what bracelet?’

‘Just a bracelet …’ I clear my throat, knowing he’s going to be upset that I didn’t tell him about the box a while ago, but figuring I’m going to have to if I want to get to the bottom of why the bracelet was on my arm. So I tell him, not just about the box but how I swear it wasn’t on my wrist when I left the house yesterday evening.

He scratches his head as I finally take off the bracelet and tug it from the dress, ripping the fabric a little. ‘Are you sure you didn’t have it on and maybe just thought you took it off.’

Once I get the bracelet out of the fabric, I set it on the dresser. ‘Maybe … but I don’t even like it on me at all so it’d be weird if I did leave it there.’