The Certainty of Violet & Luke(19)

As I’m trying to get myself back up to sitting position, the door swings open and in walks Luke. ‘What are you doing?’ he asks, taking in the lamp on the floor and then me hunched over, attempting to get to my feet.

I wince as I collapse back down on the bed. ‘Trying to stand up.’ I fake a light tone. ‘But it seems as through my legs have forgotten their purpose in life.’

He scowls at me. ‘This isn’t funny, Violet.’

‘What? Me not being able to walk.’ I’m uncertain how to react to his anger because it’s not typical of him. ‘It is kinda, sorta funny, don’t you think?’ I hold up my finger and thumb about an inch apart. ‘Just a little bit.’

He shakes his head, clearly still irritated with me. ‘Stop making jokes.’ He sinks down on the bed, causing the mattress to concave and me to slide toward him. ‘I don’t even … I can’t even …’ When his gaze welds with mine, I want to shrink back and hide under the blankets. I’ve been scolded many, many times by people throughout my life, but never like this, never with so much passion, disappointment, terror and worry in their eyes. ‘What the hell were you thinking? Leaving the house … going into the water … God dammit! ‘His hands ball into fists and he looks like he wants to break something.

I flinch from the harsh tone of his voice, but still sit up straight even though my back hurts. ‘I was thinking how much I didn’t want to think anymore. How much it hurts to think. How hard it is.’

‘You promised me you wouldn’t leave the apartment and you’d check in with Seth, none of which you did.’

‘I don’t need a babysitter, Luke. I’ve told you this time and time again.’

With a hard expression, he raises my arm and flicks the hospital band. ‘Clearly you do … do you know how f*cking worried I was when I couldn’t get a hold of you.’ He shakes his head, his jaw set tight, and his balled up fists are trembling. ‘And then I find you drunk, soaking wet, with a hospital band on your wrist, and that makes it that much worse.’

I slip my hand from his hold, feeling ashamed of what I did. Luke knows, like knows, knows my dirty little secret. Unlike the nurse at the hospital, I can’t just lie to him and tell him everything was an accident. And honestly I don’t want to. ‘I f*cked up. It’s what I do, Luke. I’m sorry, but there’s not much else I can say.’

His gaze bores into me as he scoots closer on the bed until our knees touch Then he rests his forehead against mine, like he needs to touch me. ‘Why did you f*ck up?’ he says, his voice much more gentler.

One simple question. But it’s packed with so much emotion and I feel like I’m drowning again. I open my mouth to tell him I don’t want to talk about it, but then I realize that whether I want to or not, I need to. I made my choice when I decided to fight instead of drown that I was going to deal with this.

‘Detective Stephner called today,’ I say quietly. ‘Something’s happened with the case.’

He’s struggling to keep a neutral expression as I lean back from him. ‘Okay … What is it?’ he asks.

Everything I felt when I heard the voicemail rushes through me. The fear. The relief. The worry. The excitement. The disappoint of realizing that even if they to solve my parent’s case, my parents will still be gone – nothing will change that. I still have no one. No mother. Father. No relatives. Nothing. And that the past still exists, that this didn’t free me, that I might never be free. And then the revelation and the fear that I could lose him also set me off, what was what nearly killed me.

But I chose to live. Chose not to drown. That has to mean something, right? That I don’t want to die.

‘They arrested your mother two days ago and transferred her here.’ My voice unsteady as I feel my life shifting and altering, to something that’s unfamiliar and terrifying. ‘They want me to come down and do a lineup, see if I recognize her … I don’t think I will be able to but it’s something I have to do.’ I shrug like I’m talking about something as casual as the weather. ‘If all goes well, they’ll be a trial. She’ll be in prison … if all goes well, they’ll figure out who killed my parents.’ I swallow hard. ‘Nothing’s ever going to be the same again … I know it isn’t … it’s going to change everything … and I know … I know I’m going to end up alone.’ I feel so vulnerable admitting the truth, ashamed, weak, so many things. ‘I just want to be stronger,’ I admit. ‘Why can’t I be stronger, like I used to?’ Because I didn’t have anything to lose to begin with.