Sisters by Choice (Blackberry Island #4)(95)

“Say something!”

“How do you feel?”

She sat up. “How do I feel? That’s it? How do you think I feel? Idiotic. Ridiculous. Like a loser.” She thought for a second, searching for words that weren’t overused. “Wrong. I feel wrong.”

She had no idea what he was thinking. She couldn’t read his expression, but he didn’t seem the least bit impressed by her confession.

“Did you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And what? You were wrong. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last.”

She glared at him. “That’s it? I came here and bared my soul and that’s all you’ve got? You’re supposed to be some big-shot business guy. You should give me some constructive advice.”

“Oh, now you want my advice.”

“Dugan!”

“Sophie!”

He was really starting to annoy her. “Why are you being like this?”

“Because while your whining is cute, it’s also getting old. Yes, you messed up, but so what? If you won’t learn from it, why should I care?”

She opened her mouth, then closed it. “That was harsh.”

“That was real. What do you want?”

“I want to not have messed up.”

He sighed. “Fine. I’m done.” He started to stand up.

“Wait! I’m sorry. You want me to be serious. What do I want?”

She really did want to not have messed up but that wasn’t a realistic goal. But if she was going to be unrealistic...

“I wish I hadn’t married Mark,” she said, surprising herself. “I’m not sure I was in love with him. I think even then I had questions, but starting the business was hard and I was lonely. I missed Kristine and maybe even Amber. I never thought of moving back before, but if I had, I would have felt more supported and I wouldn’t have married Mark.”

“Is it the money?”

“That he got the giant settlement? No, although that still pisses me off. It’s more that I gave in to be conventional. I don’t need to be married. I’m not having kids. I want to run CK. I want to grow the company. I love my work. Why do I need children to be successful?”

“You don’t.”

She looked at him. “Do you want kids?”

“I already told you I’m fine not having kids.”

“I don’t believe that. Men want to pass on their DNA. It’s a thing.”

“I’m pushing forty. If I was going to have children, I would have done it by now.”

“You could get a dog.”

One corner of his mouth twitched. “That would piss you off for sure.”

She nodded, then leaned back against the sofa. “I really messed up, Dugan. Maggie was doing a great job, but I couldn’t read Bryce at all. I got scared and I panicked. Even when I saw I was screwing it up, I kept talking.”

He didn’t say anything, but then he didn’t have to. His voice was in her head.

“Okay, so here’s what I learned. It was a mistake for me to go to the meeting in the first place. I found Maggie, I begged her to come work for me and I should have trusted her.”

Again, he didn’t speak, but she knew the next question.

“Fine,” she grumbled. “I should have realized I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet. I should have been honest about my weaknesses.” She sighed. “I need to learn from this experience. I need to think things through more clearly.”

“Yes, but will you? Millions know what to do, but they can’t or won’t do it.”

“I want to change.”

“I want to help colonize Mars. That doesn’t mean I’m going to do it.”

“Really? Mars?”

He smiled. “I was using that as an example.”

“Good because Mars is really far and I’m thinking the first people they send there aren’t going to make it.”

She rose and walked to the big windows overlooking the Sound. The views from the house were fantastic. Maybe when things at work calmed down, she could look at buying a house with a view of the water. She would like that. She could have some kind of custom outdoor cat area built for Lily and Mrs. Bennet so they could go outside but be safe.

She crossed her arms over her chest. She was disappointed in herself. That was at the heart of it. Dugan was right—she could learn from the experience, but she couldn’t undo it.

Feelings crowded together, making her uncomfortable. She’d never been one for introspection. Not on this scale. She needed somewhere to put them.

She turned back to Dugan. “Come on. Let’s go have sex.”

“I thought you weren’t sleeping with me right now.”

“I’ve changed my mind.”

He stood and walked toward her. Anticipation chased away all the icky emotions, which had been the point.

She met him in the middle of the living room and put her hands on his shoulders.

“Any requests?” she asked, her voice teasing. “I’m in the mood to fulfill a few fantasies.”

He grabbed her by the wrists and lowered her arms to her sides. “Not today.”

At first she didn’t understand what he was saying, but then his meaning sank in.