Royally Not Ready(113)
“Keller,” I whisper while placing my hand over his heart. “What don’t you understand about you and me being in this together? This isn’t always about me.”
“You matter most, Lilly.”
“Enough with that,” I say. “You matter just as much as I do.”
His eyes lift to mine, and they seem almost sad as he says, “Lilly, I love you, but that will never be the case.”
“Forget the crown, forget the country, forget all of that. What we have is between you and me, Keller and Lilly, and no one is equally more important than the other. So, tell me what was troubling you. Tell me how I can help.”
“You can’t,” he says with frustration. “So just fucking drop it.”
Caught off guard by his sharp tone, I back off his lap and sit on the edge of the bed, unsure of what to do, how to get through to him. Doesn’t he see this as an equal partnership? That I need him just as much as he needs me?
When he doesn’t say anything but remains quiet, I decide to get ready for bed. I slip into the bathroom, my heart heavy as I change into a pair of pajamas that Runa laid out for me. It seems like she’s alluding to something, and even though I wish it were Keller’s shirt I was climbing into, I settle for the pink silk shorts set. Once I brush my teeth and put my hair into a loose ponytail with a scrunchie, I head back to my room, where Keller sits on the edge of the bed, his hands clutching the mattress.
When his eyes meet mine, I see how tortured they are, and my heart breaks all over for him.
“I think I’m going to head back to my room,” he says softly.
Once again, my heart crumbles for what feels like the tenth time since we got back to my bedroom. “Why?” I ask.
“I don’t think it’s good that I stay here tonight.”
“Keller,” I say, my panic starting to climb up my throat and choke me. “You’re pulling away, and I don’t know why or how to stop you from doing it. What changed from this morning until now?”
“Nothing,” he says.
“But in the bathroom, you told me . . .” My voice catches. “You told me you love me.”
“I do,” he says as he stands. “That’s the problem, Lilly. I fucking love you when I shouldn’t.”
Growing frustrated now, I say, “Are you that loyal to something your parents taught you many years ago that you can’t look past the fact that you’ve grown since then? Even Theo and Katla approve of us. Wouldn’t their opinion matter the most? Katla told me today how happy she is to know that I’m in your life in a romantic capacity. Why doesn’t that weigh in?”
“It’s not that easy, Lilly.”
“It seems easy to me.”
“You don’t get it,” he says, pushing past me.
“What don’t I get? Losing two parents? Because I’m pretty sure if you look my parents up right now, you won’t find them.” A tear slips down my cheek that I wasn’t expecting. “I know what you’re going through, Keller. But the difference between you and me is that I’m willing to change.”
At that moment, our phones ding with text messages, but neither of us bothers to look.
“This wasn’t supposed to be my life,” I say. “I should be in a bikini truck in South Beach, Miami, but I’ve been able to adapt, so why can’t you?”
He presses his hand to his forehead. “I don’t know, love . . .” His voice trails off when he looks up at me. “I don’t fucking know.”
He looks so tortured that even though I’m angry with him and want to knock some sense into him, I can’t help the pull he has over me. I place my hand on his chest as his grip falls to my waist. We both lean in as our foreheads connect.
“I’m so fucking sorry,” he says quietly.
And I can feel his apology, all the way to the tips of my toes.
“I know,” I say softly as I run my hands up to his cheeks, holding him tight.
“I’m dealing with some unexpected demons and struggling with it.”
“That’s okay, Keller. But if you don’t push me away, we’ll make it through this.”
He nods.
“I need you. This is so scary and crazy, and you’re my rock. We have to stick together.”
His hands slide up my shirt to my ribs, where his thumbs dig in. “Just be patient with me.”
“I will, as long as you don’t leave me.”
“I won’t leave you, love,” he says quietly before backing me up to the bed. When I sit on the edge, he kneels in front of me and rests his head on my lap. My hands instinctively sift through his hair and hold him close as he grips me. “I’m sorry, Lilly.”
“I know, Keller. I know.”
He lifts up, and our eyes meet. His hand goes to my cheek right before he pulls me close and brings his lips to mine.
I cling to him, kissing him deeper, more thoroughly, reminding him that he’s not here alone, that he has me, that he can rely on me. Our tongues tangle, our hands grow tight, and our passion for one another heightens as he lays me back on the bed and unbuttons my top, exposing my breasts. His mouth leaves mine and descends to kiss my chest, where he deliciously sucks on my nipples, peppers kisses along my skin, and even nibbles my breasts. I arch into his mouth, loving the way he knows what turns me—