Royally Not Ready(112)

“So was Keller, and I respect that about all of you, that you let me process the role—my history—on my own terms. I was able to make an unbiased decision on what to do.”

“That was Theo’s hope, because this is a different life from what you’re used to. He wanted to make sure your heart was in the right place.”

“And it is,” I answer.

“I know, Lilija, you don’t have to prove anything to me. I can see it in your eyes. Being here makes you happy.”

“It does.” Now it’s my turn to fidget with my napkin.

Over the last week or so, I’ve had to comprehend that my mom and dad basically lied to me. And that’s a tough one to digest, because they were my world. Knowing they withheld the truth about my heritage, family, and homeland has made me angry. I think part of my lashing out at Keller, pushing him to want me, possibly stems from that. But they’re not here to work through this . . . grief. Anger. And I refuse to hold on to that either. If I can forgive my parents for that, I need to forgive my grandmother for any part she played as well. I’ve missed out on twenty-seven years of having her in my life, and I don’t want to miss out on any more.

“I want you to know that I hold nothing against you. What happened between you and my mom? That’s in the past. I want to build a foundation from here. I want to spend time with you and Theo. I want to hear your memories. I want to see more from her life here. And I want to continue learning about Torskethorpe and this country’s amazing people. I want to make my mom proud.”

“She’d be so proud of you,” Katla says, reaching out and taking my hand in hers.

“You think so?”

“Yes, I know so.”

My eyes get misty, and I quickly pull away to blot at them. “Ugh, I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much until I came here. Something is happening to me.”

She chuckles. “Well, why don’t we talk about something that won’t make you cry?” She sips from her glass of iced tea. “Tell me more about you and Keller.”

I can’t help the smile that pulls across my lips. “It started as enemies to lovers, and slowly over time, I wore him down.”

Katla laughs. “I like the start of this story.”





“Are all days going to be like this?” I ask Keller as I lie on my bed and spread out my arms. “I’m exhausted, and my feet hurt so bad.”

“Some days might be worse,” he says softly as he sits on the end of my bed. He takes one of my feet in his hands, removes my sock, and massages the bottom with his strong thumbs.

“Oh God,” I moan. “That feels amazing.”

“Moan like that again, and you’ll find out what else is amazing.”

“Is that supposed to be a threat?” I ask while I rest my head back on the bed.

“It can be,” he says in a dark voice that sends a shiver up my spine. No use in testing him, he’s proven himself sufficiently.

“Aren’t you tired?” I ask him.

“No, I’m used to long days with little sleep.”

“Did you get little sleep last night?” I ask him. “What time did you leave me anyway?”

“Three. I didn’t sleep after I vacated your room.”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Just my thoughts keeping me up.”

“Care to share what those thoughts are?”

He moves his hands to my heel, and I nearly kick him in the stomach from how good it feels.

“You know the thoughts already. They just seem to be haunting me.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I don’t believe so,” he answers, and that doesn’t sit well with me. I didn’t expect him to ask me for a three-step process of getting over his fears, but I thought that he’d maybe say something like . . . being here helps. Holding you helps. Feeling you helps.

But as he rubs my foot and stares off into the room, I notice something more and more as the hours get closer to my welcoming. He’s distancing himself.

Sure, he might be in my room, at night, rubbing my foot, and that seems like he’s close, but his heart and his head are not. They’re elsewhere.

It’s been slowly happening all day, and I’m starting to see why.

I lift up on my elbows to look him in the eyes. “Keller, I feel like you’re pulling away from me.” Might as well get it all out in the open.

“I’m not.” He shakes his head. “Just trying to find my footing again. Being at Strombly with you means I need to make some adjustments, not to mention the new role I have. I’m dealing with much change and navigating it.”

“Are you second-guessing being with me?”

His eyes glaze over, and my pulse picks up when he doesn’t answer.

“Keller, are you?”

“What?” he asks, his eyes focusing on me again. “No, Lilly, I’m not.”

“Okay, because it kind of feels like you are.”

“I’m not. Like I said, just a lot to unpack.” I shake free of his grasp and move to straddle his lap.

“Unpack it with me. Let me help you. You don’t always have to be so strong; you can be vulnerable too.”

“You have enough to worry about and don’t need my baggage.”