Regretting You(99)

He sighs. “It’s that pineapple on pizza, unfortunately.”

I laugh, and then I lift the armrest that’s separating us to snuggle against him. We’re quiet for a while after that. He holds me while I try and work through my thoughts, but I know he can’t stay here all night. After a few minutes, he kisses me on top of the head.

“I need to get back to work. It’s not even my break right now, and the manager is on duty tonight.”

“What time do you get off?”

“Not until nine.”

“Can I stay until you get off work? I need a ride home.”

“How’d you get here?”

“My mother dropped me off.”

“Oh. She doesn’t know I work here, huh?”

I nod. “She does. That’s why she dropped me off here.”

Miller raises an eyebrow. “Do I sense progress?”

“I hope.”

He smiles and then kisses me. Twice. “There’s a cartoon starting in theater three in about fifteen minutes. Want to go watch it while you wait for me?”

I crinkle up my nose. “A cartoon? I don’t know.”

He pulls me out of my seat. “You need something light right now. Go watch it, and I’ll bring you food.”

He holds my hand as we walk out of the theater. He walks me to the showing next door, but before I go in, I kiss him on the cheek. “One of these days, I’m going to be better for you,” I say, squeezing his hand. “I promise.”

“You’re perfect just how you are, Clara.”

“No, I’m not. I’m only a nine, apparently.”

He’s laughing as he backs away from me. “Yeah, but I really only deserve a six.”



I find a seat far away from all the little kids, all the way at the top. Miller was wrong. I don’t think the cartoon helps, because I can’t stop thinking about what happened.

It isn’t lost on me that my anger over finding out about my father and Jenny isn’t nearly as intense as it was when I thought my mother and Jonah were the ones having the affair.

I contemplate that, and I realize it comes down to one thing.

Selflessness.

It seems so insignificant, but it’s not. My mother was put through the most maddening, painful, tragic event of her life. Yet, as always, she put me first. Before her anger, her grief, the betrayal. She did everything she could to shield me from the truth, even if that meant unfairly taking the blame.

I don’t doubt my father’s love for me, but I don’t know that he would have done the same if the tables were reversed. I’m not sure Jenny would have either.

As devastated as I am to finally know the truth, it actually hurts less than when I thought my mother was the one in the wrong.

Since the day I was born, every decision she’s ever made for herself was made in order to benefit me. I’ve always known that about her. But I’m not sure I appreciated it until tonight.

The cartoon has ended and the theater has cleared out, but I’m still staring hard at the blank screen, wondering how my mother is doing. She’s the real victim in all of this, and it makes me sad to know that the two people she’s leaned on for most of her life are the same two people who weren’t there to catch her when she fell. Hell, they’re the ones who made her fall in the first place.

I can’t imagine all the invisible bruises she’s covered in right now, and I hate that some of them are there because of me.





CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE





MORGAN


I called Jonah after I got home from dropping Clara off at the theater. It was ironic, because I needed him in much the same way Clara needed Miller. We talked for a while, but Elijah was already asleep, so he couldn’t come over.

I would have gone to him, but I didn’t want to be away from the house in case Clara came home.

Two hours have gone by, and I’ve done nothing but pace the floor and stare at the blank television screen, wondering how she’s doing. Wondering if Miller is giving her the reassurance and comfort she needs right now.

Even if he is, I feel this emptiness in me, and it’s creating a pull to go find her. After she’s been gone for two and a half hours, I finally grab my keys and decide to drive myself back to the theater.

Miller is behind the concession stand when I walk inside. He’s helping two customers, but I don’t see Clara anywhere. I stand in line and wait until he’s free. When he hands the customers their change and they step out of my way, he looks up and stiffens.

I like that I make him nervous, but I also hate it. I don’t want to be unapproachable to someone my daughter cares so much about.

“Looking for Clara?” he asks.

I nod. “Yeah. Is she still here?”

He looks at the clock on the wall behind him, then nods. “Yeah, she should be alone in theater three. The movie ended fifteen minutes ago.”

“She’s . . . alone? Just sitting in a theater by herself?”

Miller smiles and pulls a cup off a stack, filling it with ice. “Don’t worry, she likes it.” He fills the cup with Sprite and hands it to me. “I’ve been busy, so I haven’t been able to take her a refill. You want anything?”

“I’m good. Thank you.”