Regretting You(100)

I start to turn around but stop short when Miller says, “Mrs. Grant?”

He looks to his left, then his right, ensuring our privacy. He leans forward a little, looking me in the eyes. He presses his lips together nervously before he speaks. “I’m really sorry about sneaking into your house the other night. And for . . . all the other stuff. I really do care about her.”

I try to see him for the first time without all the preconceived notions Chris had about him. I want to see him as Jonah sees him—like he’s a good kid. Good enough to date Clara. I’m still not sure about that yet, but the fact that he’s just given me what seems like a very genuine apology is a good start. I nod, giving him a small smile, then head toward theater three.

She’s all the way at the top when I walk in. The lights are on, and she’s staring straight ahead at the blank movie screen, her feet propped up on the seat in front of her.

She doesn’t notice me until I start walking up the stairs toward the top row. When she does lay eyes on me, she sits up straighter and pulls her feet down. When I reach her, I hand her the Sprite and take a seat next to her.

“Miller thought you might need a refill.”

She takes the Sprite and sips from it, moving her empty cup to the seat on the other side of her. Then she lifts the armrest between us and leans into me. It takes me by surprise. I wasn’t sure what to expect from her. She’s been through a lot tonight, and to be honest, I’ve been waiting for the aftershocks to hit. I take advantage of this rare moment of affection by wrapping my arm around her and pulling her to me.

I don’t think either one of us really knows how to start the conversation. A few long seconds go by before Clara says, “Have you ever cheated on Dad?”

She doesn’t ask it in an accusatory way. It’s almost like she’s just working through a thought, so I answer her honestly. “No. Up until Jonah, your father was the only guy I’d ever kissed.”

“Are you angry at them? Dad and Jenny?”

I nod. “Yes. It hurts. A lot.”

“Do you regret marrying him?”

“No. I got you.”

She lifts her head. “I don’t mean do you regret ever dating him or getting pregnant with me. But do you regret marrying him?”

I brush her hair from her forehead and smile. “No. I regret the choices he made, but I don’t regret the choices I made.”

She lays her head back down on my shoulder. “I don’t want to hate him, but I’m mad that he did that to us. I’m mad that Aunt Jenny would do something like that to us.”

“I know, Clara. But you have to understand that their affair had everything to do with us, but also absolutely nothing at all.”

“It feels like it had everything to do with us.”

“Because it did,” I say.

“You just said it didn’t.”

“Because it doesn’t,” I say.

Clara lets out a short defeated laugh. “You’re confusing me.”

I urge her off my shoulder and turn in my seat a little so that we’re facing each other. I take one of her hands in both of mine. “Your father was a great father to you. But as a husband, he made some shitty choices. No one can be the perfect everything.”

“But he just seemed so perfect.”

The betrayal in her eyes saddens me. I don’t want her to go through life with this memory of Chris. I squeeze her hand. “I think that’s the problem. Teenagers think their parents should have it all figured out, but the truth is, adults don’t really know how to navigate life any better than teenagers do. Your father made some big mistakes, but the things he did wrong in his life shouldn’t discredit all the things he did right. Same goes for your aunt Jenny.”

A tear spills out of Clara’s right eye. She wipes it away quickly. “Most mothers would want their daughters to hate their fathers for doing what Dad did.”

“I’m not most mothers.”

Clara’s head falls back against the red velvet chair, and she looks up toward the ceiling. She laughs as tears continue rolling into her hair. “Thank God for that.”

It wasn’t a direct compliment, but it makes me feel good, nonetheless.

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to judge me?” she asks.

“Of course.”

She tilts her head toward me, and there’s a trace of guilt in her expression. “I was sitting in Miller’s truck with him after school one day. It was before he broke up with his girlfriend. I wanted him to kiss me so bad, Mom. And I would have let him if he tried, which is what bothers me so much. I knew he had a girlfriend at the time, and I would have let him kiss me anyway. Now that I know what Dad and Aunt Jenny did, it worries me that being capable of an affair is a personality trait, and I got that from Dad. What if it’s some kind of inheritable moral weakness?” She looks back up at the ceiling. “What if I cheat on Miller someday and break his heart like Dad and Aunt Jenny broke yours?”

I hate that she thinks this. That she’s questioning herself. Sometimes Clara asks questions I can’t answer, and I’m scared this may be one of them.

But then I think about Jonah and the connection I had with him when we were younger. Maybe talking to Clara about that is a bad idea, but this parenting shit didn’t come with a handbook.