Regretting You(101)

“I had a moment like that once. I was your age, and I was in a pool with Jonah.”

Clara suddenly turns her head to look at me, but I keep staring up at the ceiling while I talk.

“We didn’t kiss, but I wanted it to happen. I was dating your father at the time, and Jonah and Jenny had their thing, but when I looked at him in that moment, it’s like a wall lifted and blocked everything else out. It isn’t that I didn’t care about Jenny or Chris—it’s just that in that moment, I only cared about the way it felt to be looked at like that. The attraction I had for Jonah in that moment left me with blinders on. And I think he felt the same way.”

“Is that why he broke up with Jenny and moved away?” Clara asks.

I tilt my head and look at her. “Yes,” I say with complete honesty.

“Is that why you were so mad when he was back in Aunt Jenny’s life?”

I nod. “Yeah, but I didn’t realize it at the time. I never acknowledged I even had feelings for him until recently. I never would have done that to Jenny.”

Clara frowns, and I hate seeing that look on her face. The look of realizing that someone so important to her could do something so terrible. The fear that she might be capable of doing the same thing someday.

I sigh and look back up at the ceiling. “I’ve had more time to mull over all of this than you have, so maybe I can share some of the wisdom that was born from all my anger. Think of it like this. Attraction isn’t something that only happens once, with one person. It’s part of what drives humans. Our attraction to each other, to art, to food, to entertainment. Attraction is fun. So when you decide to commit to someone, you aren’t saying, ‘I promise I’ll never be attracted to anyone else.’ You’re saying, ‘I promise to commit to you, despite my potential future attraction to other people.’” I look at Clara. “Relationships are hard for that very reason. Your body and your heart don’t stop finding the beauty and the attraction in other people simply because you’ve made a commitment to one person. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’re drawn to someone else, it’s up to you to remove yourself from that situation before it becomes too hard to fight.”

“Like Jonah did?”

I nod. “Yeah. Exactly like that.”

Clara stares at me a moment. “Dad couldn’t remove himself from the situation with Jenny because she was always around. Maybe that’s why it happened.”

“Maybe.”

“It’s still not an excuse, though.”

“You’re right. It’s not.”

She lays her head back on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her head, but she doesn’t see the tears that begin to roll down my cheeks. It just feels so good to finally have this conversation with her. It feels good to know that my daughter is a lot more emotionally equipped for the truth than I assumed she was.

“All the stuff I’ve done—it’s not Miller’s fault. He just tried to be there for me. I don’t want you to hate him.”

She doesn’t need to convince me anymore. When I found out he tried to talk her out of having sex with him, I stopped hating him. And then when he apologized to me tonight, I actually started to like him. “I don’t hate him. I actually kind of like him. I’d like him more if he never sneaks into your room again. But I do like him.”

“He won’t,” she says. “I swear.”

“Mrs. Nettle will tell on you, anyway.”

She lifts her head. “Is that how you found out?”

“Sometimes it pays to have the nosiest neighbor alive.”

Clara laughs, but when she sees my tears, her smile fades. I wave it off. “They’re good tears. I promise.”

She shakes her head. “My God. We have been so mean to each other.”

I nod in agreement. “I didn’t think we had it in us.”

“You grounded me from reading books,” she says, laughing.

“You called me predictable.”

“Well, you definitely proved me wrong.”

Somehow, we’re both smiling. I’m appreciative she took the news so well. I realize her feelings could change again tomorrow. She’ll go through a lot of emotions, I’m sure. But for right now, I’m grateful to have this moment with her.

Maybe that’s something I need to learn to cherish a little more. Our relationship isn’t always going to be sunshine and roses, but whenever there’s a break in the storm, I need to take advantage of those breaks. No matter what mood I’m in or what’s going on in my own life, I need to bask in these moments of sunshine with Clara.

“Can we start with a clean slate? Like . . . can we just forget the weed and the detention and the alcohol and the skipping school? I really want my phone back.”

“That’s not all you did wrong,” I say.

“I know, but I was running out of breath. The list is really long.”

Despite everything she’s gone through, I’m still convinced she needs to be grounded. But she’s not the only one who wants to start with a clean slate. I’m not exactly proud of my own behavior.

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you back your phone if you promise to stop making fun of me for preferring cable TV over streaming.”

Clara stares at me very seriously. “Oh, man. I don’t know . . .”