Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(87)

Got your messages and texts. Sorry – life is complicated right now. Unfortunately we can’t go back and change things. Wish we could. I do forgive you. I miss you. Would give anything to hear your voice right now. Won’t be able to contact you again after tonight. Phone will be disconnected soon. Please say you forgive me? It would help to know you do. Emma, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. Hope you believe it.

I wanted to delete it. I wanted to delete him. But I couldn’t. I held down the button to shut the phone off.

I didn’t know what hurt worse. That she’d reached out to Jonathan, asking for forgiveness. Or that she didn’t want that from me – insisting that I hate her. Why would he need to be forgiven? What happened between them?

Now I had a choice. I could let her push me away, fearing she’d continue to hurt me. Or I could fight for us. Convince her that we were worth it. Any pain she could inflict would never come close to the pain of being without her. I could never give up on her … on us.





27


Gone


I STARED OUT THE WINDOW AT THE GREY shroud lapping against the glass. I didn’t know what time it was or how long I’d been on the couch. I’d been held captive by the sharpness of tongues that slit my veins with loathing and tainted my blood with hatred.

You’re a worthless pathetic tramp.

I shrank away from the disdain that haunted my soul. But I couldn’t escape the relentless barrage of maliciousness. No matter how hard I tried to shut them out, their voices were all I could hear now. The scars may have healed, and the bruises faded. But the claws of hate and rejection dug deep within my flesh and never let go. Every spiteful sentiment struck with more force than the most violent of blows. Each degrading remark and estimation of worthlessness broke me in half.

You are not important.

There’d been a time when I was almost convinced that my accomplishments and determination would silence their malice. But I’d given up. I couldn’t say the exact moment that it happened. Perhaps it was the second I’d abandoned Evan, leaving him beaten and barely conscious on the floor. Or it may have been before that. But now, in my isolation, the whispers found me.

You don’t care about anyone other than yourself.

I stared out into the distance, beckoned by the roaring of the waves, the only sound loud enough to mask what were now sickening screams. I walked down to the beach, through the haze of clouds that swept against my skin.

You took him from me.

I stood at the water’s edge, enraptured by the fury rushing to shore. The rolling wave cresting before crashing in on itself in a maddening tumble, sweeping under my feet, pulling me into the shifting sand. The rippling surface seduced with its curling fingers, tempting me.

You can’t honestly think he cares about you.

Tears filled my eyes, slipping over my lashes and down my cheeks. I was so tired of fighting. Tired of hurting. Tired of the guilt that would never release me, and the regrets that could not be changed. I didn’t want this life. There were only so many times I could hear that I should never have been, before I wished it to be true.

You should never have been born.

I took a step and began walking towards the grey horizon that seamlessly melded with the dark water. My chin quivered as the tears washed over my face. Turbulent waves pushed me back towards shore, but I forged ahead. I dived under them, letting the cold seawater soak into my trembling skin, into my bones, until I was numb.

Don’t you realize how much you hurt me?

I swam past the breaking point to where the water rocked, bobbing me along its surface. I floated on my back, balanced on the hands of the rocking sea with my arms spread wide. Everything became still, and all I could hear was my breathing. I allowed the silence to subdue me. The pain dissipated through my fingertips into the water, carrying the voices with it until I was drained, and all that was left was … me. Accepting the fate that had finally caught up with me, I inhaled my final breath, and then I was gone.

Curling into a ball, I let myself sink beneath the surface. I closed my eyes as the water filled my ears, magnifying the stillness.

All I had to do was give up.

Give up.

The words echoed through my head, begging me.

Breathe, Emma. Just give up, and … breathe.

My lungs demanded the air within reach at the surface. My heart fought for each beat. It refused to surrender to the calm I sought beneath the water. The desperate thumps stammered against my chest. Within the silence, his words were as clear as if they were being whispered in my ear.

Hold on to this life, Emma. You’re so much stronger than you think you are.

And I knew. I didn’t know how to give up.

Peace awaited me with a single breath. But I couldn’t give up. It wasn’t who I was. This may not have been the life that was meant for me. Perhaps I was never supposed to be. But while I existed, I would fight for every breath that kept me alive.

I opened myself up and kicked to the top, breaking through the surface with a heart-wrenching cry. The water lapped around my neck and splashed onto my face as I bellowed in pain, my chest caving with each sob.

I forced myself towards shore, crashing my arms through the surface, pulling the water towards me, kicking fiercely. My feet eventually pushed into the sand.

I splashed through the shallow water, moving my legs faster beneath me until I reached the beach. And then I broke into a run, letting pieces of me fall along the way. Shedding the young girl who feared which of her mother’s personalities would enter the house each night. Stripping off the belief that if I were perfect, I’d be easier to love. Stomping on the doubts that made me question my worth, never feeling like I was enough. And crushing the guilt that convinced me I would hurt everyone I cared about, leaving me incapable of being loved.