Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(83)

‘I got it.’ I sighed, knowing exactly who it was.

‘Where is she, Evan?’ Sara asked impatiently, practically pushing me out of the way.

‘She’s still sleeping,’ I told her, shutting the door behind her.

‘Who?’ Ren asked. Brent and Nate stared at me like I’d confessed to a crime.

‘No. Fucking. Way,’ Brent gaped, shaking his head.

‘Don’t tell me you did what I think you did,’ Nate begged.

‘Relax.’ I held up my hands in defence. ‘We just talked. She fell asleep. And that’s it.’

‘She fell asleep in your bed,’ Sara snapped. Then she said so only I could hear her, ‘Sleeping with her is not going to fix things.’

I released an annoyed breath. ‘What the hell? Nothing happened.’

Sara disappeared down the stairs. I turned towards the guys, who were still staring at me. ‘Are we clening this place, or what?’

‘Emma!’ I heard Sara yell. She was shutting the glass door and hurrying across the patio. I waited for her to catch up before continuing down the stairs.

Sara didn’t say anything to me until we reached the beach. ‘Are you okay?’

I shrugged, not knowing how to answer that question. I felt anything but okay. I felt … lost.

‘Why’d you go back to see Evan last night?’ She watched me carefully. I averted my eyes towards the sand, focused on the receding water sinking into its surface.

‘I decided to tell him why I left. He wanted to know. He deserved to know. So I told him.’

‘What did you tell him exactly?’ Sara asked.

I repeated what I’d said to her two years ago. ‘I left to protect him from being hurt by me again.’ My chest ached repeating it.

‘And … what did he say?’ Sara coaxed gently, like she was pulling on a fragile piece of string and feared which question would leave her with a broken end.

The constriction in my throat kept my answer trapped. I fought the sting of tears in my eyes, blinking up at the clouds.

‘Nothing,’ my voice strained. ‘He didn’t say anything.’

‘You don’t want him to hate you any more, do you?’ Sara asked simply. I shook my head.

‘But I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me either,’ I rasped, crushed by the thought of it. ‘You were right …’

‘About what?’ Sara asked, the sympathy weighing heavily in her voice.

‘Leaving him was the worst mistake of my life.’ I stopped walking, covering my eyes with both hands as I released a silent sob.

‘Are you going to tell me what happened?’ Nate asked, lingering just outside my bedroom as I threw clothes in a bag.

‘No.’ I shook my head, wanting to keep Emma’s confession to myself. ‘But I have a lot of thinking to do.’

‘Did it change your mind?’ he questioned, crossing his arms as he leaned against the doorframe.

‘About this trip? No, this has always been my decision. It doesn’t have anything to do with Emma,’ I replied, having committed to this way before last night. ‘But I’m not sure what’s going to happen when I get back.’

‘That bad?’ Nate interpreted.

I shook my head, ‘No, I just … I need to think.’

‘Whatever happens, Evan,’ Nate said, his voice careful, ‘I won’t let you become that guy again. I saw what she did to you, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t happen again, even if you end up hating me.’

‘I get it,’ I told him. ‘And I won’t ever be like that again. I swear to you.’

He nodded in acceptance. ‘Hey, isn’t your flight taking off kinda soon?’ He stretched his arms above his head.

‘No, it’s this afternoon,’ I responded, stuffing a jacket in my bag. ‘I need to stop by and see Emma before we go.’

‘No problem,’ he agreed. ‘But I swear I thought you said your flight was this morning.’

‘Let me check.’ I took out my phone and pulled up the itinerary my mother had sent. ‘Fuck. My flight’s in an hour. We’ve gotta go.’

‘He just needs time, Em,’ Sara soothed, sitting next to me on the deck, staring at the waves surging against the sand. I nodded absently. ‘Evan will forgive you.’

I wasn’t convinced. Why should he? I’d betrayed him. I’d betrayed both of them. I left Evan instead of letting him in. And I drove Jonathan away, fearful he’d gotten too close. Neither of them had a reason to trust me. Now I was convinced I’d lost them both.

I turned my head towards Sara. She looked back at me sorrowfully, and I began to wonder how long it would be before I did something to hurt her again. She’d always found a way to forgive me, even when I hadn’t been completely honest with her. But there would come a time when I would drive her away too.

‘I’m going to take a shower,’ Sara announced, standing.

‘Okay,’ I replied, remaining on the deck. I pushed away the tears and forced the shroud of numbness over me, but I could still feel the ache deep inside despite my efforts.

I reached for my phone to see if Jonathan had responded to any of my messages or texts. I knew he wouldn’t, but it didn’t stop me from obsessively checking. That’s when I realized I’d left my phone at Evan’s. I grimaced, not ready to go back there just yet. Maybe Sara would get it for me.