Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(122)

‘Something went wrong with the transfer. I should have suspected something, but I didn’t. She eventually confessed to withdrawing the transfer because she wanted to keep me from getting hurt again. I was furious. She’d become yet another person making decisions for me. So I stopped talking to her, and we never saw each other again … well, until she showed up at my house the day of Rachel’s funeral.’

‘She did?’ I asked in shock. ‘Why?’

‘She knew you were in Weslyn for the funeral. Maybe she wanted to be there for me, in case I … But … I wanted to be there for you.’

‘Did you … love her? Forget it. I don’t –’ I stopped, clenching my teeth together. ‘I don’t want to think of you with her.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said soothingly. ‘I know subconsciously that’s why I did it. To hurt you. And that’s so messed up. But she was a good friend, Em, as much as you didn’t like her.’

‘I know,’ I muttured.

‘So I’m not perfect in all of this. I’ve done some pretty awful things to people I cared about. I ruined a good friendship with Analise. I slept with Catherine, even though I never cared about, or even liked her. She was just another in a line of catastrophic choices. All because I was desperate to get over you. But they were my choices. Your choice was to leave. The rest were mine.’

My body shook as I bent over and cried into my arms.

I didn’t want to hurt her any more. There was only so much honesty a person could take, and she’d reached her limit. But I wasn’t done. I knew if I didn’t finish now, she wouldn’t understand, and I’d risk losing her for good.

‘The nightmares started last summer when I realized I wasn’t going to Stanford in the fall. I’d broken things off with Analise, and I was convinced you were never coming back. I wanted to move on, to try to live a life without you, but I wasn’t living. Emma –’ She lifted her tear-stained face. ‘I’m not supposed to live without you. And you’re not supposed to live without me. We’re in this life together. Without each other, we’re not really living.’

‘Why did I have to know?’ I asked in a broken voice. ‘Because it hurts to think of you with … them, to know what I did to you. It’s like you’re squeezing my heart with your bare hands. I know I deserve it. But why tell me?’

‘Because we need to always be honest, even when it’s hard. And you need to know that I’m not perfect either. I’ve screwed up, and I’m so sorry. But it’s done now. And whatever you’re holding on to that makes you think I’ll hate you, I want you to be able to tell me, and know that even if it hurts me, I’m not going anywhere.’

‘You can’t say that,’ I argued. ‘Evan, what if I did the most awful thing you could imagine? I don’t know if you could still love me.’

‘But I know you, Emma. I do know you. Your heart won’t let you do anything that could make me not love you. And I’ve seen your vicious side. I was there when you confronted Rachel. I’ve seen how ruthless you can be. It’s a side I don’t like, but you don’t either. So I’m not afraid that’s who truly you are. Because it’s not. It’s the hurt and pain lashing out, needing to make someone else feel the way you did all those years. It’s not good, Em. But it doesn’t define you.’

My heart was pounding erratically. He was offering a safe place for us to open up and tell each other what we knew would hurt, owning up to our faults with the expectation of letting go and moving on. An exchange of our most awful mistakes. But I was holding on to something far darker than he could imagine, and it would change the way he looked at me. I couldn’t do it. I knew if I did, I’d lose him forever, and then I’d be worse than nothing.

‘I’m not ready,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’

I could see her fighting with it, the decision to tell me whatever it was that still held her captive, keeping her from me. I knew in every muscle of my body that it had to do with Jonathan. Something did happen between them. But she had to be the one to tell me. And as long this secret still loomed between us, I wouldn’t be able to completely forgive her. I also knew I couldn’t breathe without her.

‘I’ll give you time. But we’re not going to be able to move on if you can’t tell me everything.’ Her eyes dipped sorrowfully. ‘Come here.’ I held my arms open, and she moved between my legs, leaning her back into me so I could wrap my arms around her. She laid her head on my arm, and I kissed the top of her head. ‘We’ll get through this. I believe in us.’

Emma wrapped her arms around mine and squeezed. ‘I want to believe.’

‘Look at me.’

She twisted around to face me. Her eyes were raw from crying, and her breath trembled with each inhale. I ran my finger along her damp cheeks. ‘I love you.’

I peered into his intense blue eyes. They bared all that was vulnerable and pure in him. The part that just wanted to protect me, to encourage me to be better, to make me happy. He revealed it so plainly, my chest swelled with a flittering warmth. If I knew anything, I knew he loved me.

‘And you love me.’ He stated it as the truth it was.

‘I do. Loving you is the only certainty in my life. I will never stop. But it was because of how much I love you that I ended up hurting you so badly. I only wanted you to be happy, and be rid of my destructive life. And you’re so beautiful and perfect – even with your flaws. I couldn’t destroy you too.’