Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(119)

I pushed my foot against the deck, rocking the hammock gently as I scanned the dark sky, the stars shifting beneath the swift veil of clouds. I wasn’t looking forward to telling her what had happened when she left. I knew she needed to know, but it didn’t make it any easier. But maybe if I opened up to her, she would do the same – and tell me what she was still keeping from me.

Jonathan’s text made my stomach turn. I hadn’t been able to get the words out of my head since I’d read them. I do forgive you. I miss you. Would give anything to hear your voice right now.

I never did like him … or trust him. Apparently, I’d had a good reason not to. She’d confided in him. She’d trusted him in a way she couldn’t trust me. But there was more to it than that … Please say you forgive me?

Something had happened, and before we could move on, before we could completely forgive each other, she had to tell me what that was. He wasn’t here for her now. And from the sounds of it, he wasn’t planning on being in her life. But whatever he’d done, it had changed her.

I couldn’t sleep. I stared into the dark, thinking about Jonathan. My heart thumped loudly in my chest, the lingering violence I’d witnessed clinging to me. For two years I’d pushed it away, refusing to confront what we’d done. I wanted to believe that protecting him was the right choice. I’d held Jonathan’s secrets as my own, as I’d promised I would – convincing myself that my silence was justified. My body shuddered at the memory of the charred remains of the house where his family had died, burned alive. I could still see the torment in his eyes when he confessed to the arson. There wasn’t any punishment that could destroy him more than his own guilt and sorrow. I knew what that hate did to a person. That venom still tainted my veins.

Needing fresh air, I grabbed a throw from the end of the bed and went out to the patio. I pulled the blanket tightly around me, but it did little to ward off the shivers. I focused on the overcast sky, wondering where Jonathan was now and if their screams still haunted his dreams. There was an anxious part of me that couldn’t let him go. A part of me that still needed to find him, even though I had no idea where to start.

My ears picked up a squeaking sound. I listened intently and heard the squeak again. Pushing the gate open, I walked quietly around to the main deck. Evan was lying in the hammock, slowly rocking back and forth.

‘Hi,’ I said, startling him. He jumped up and practically tipped the hammock over. I cringed. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ he assured me, trying to shake it off. ‘Now I know how you feel when it happens to you.’

‘Funny,’ I commented, making a face. ‘Can’t sleep?’

‘No. Thinking,’ I explained. ‘And you?’

‘Same,’ she answered, moving closer, a light green blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

‘Want to talk about what happened tonight?’ I proposed as she came into full view, standing next to the hammock.

Her darkened eyes flickered in contemplation. ‘I’m not sure I can.’

‘You can sit at the other end if you want.’ I scooted further up on one side of the hammock.

Emma eased herself over the edge, manoeuvring towards the middle so she wouldn’t tip us. She leaned back and bent her knees, her feet by my side.

‘Will you tell me something I’ve always wanted to know?’ I asked, having thought about it so many times over the years.

‘What’s that?’ Her voice was careful and quiet. I could feel her tensing. She drew the blanket in tighter as if to protect herself.

‘What were your nightmares about?’ I asked, reflecting on the nights I’d been by her side when she’d awoken in a sweat, screaming. Her torment had always haunted me. I couldn’t protect her from what waited for her in her sleep.

Emma released a smooth breath, blowing it out through slightly pursed lips.

It had been over a year since I’d had a nightmare. Their disappearance coincided with the increase of the emptiness. I couldn’t be tormented with images of my death when I was no longer afraid of dying.

‘They were about dying,’ I explained, trying to keep my voice calm. ‘About being killed in some way over and over again, and I’d wake just before my last breath. But it felt so real, the fear and helplessness, not being able to get away from her.’

‘Her?’ Evan repeated, with a bite in his tone. ‘They were about Carol?’

I shivered, her name slicing through me like a smooth blade. ‘Usually.’

‘I hate that woman,’ he said with an edge in his voice. ‘I can’t tell you how close I came to hurting her that night.’

I propped myself on my elbows, jostling us slightly.

‘George knew. He saw it in my eyes and stood between us, afraid I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I made myself concentrate on you to keep calm.

‘But if you hadn’t breathed. If you had –’ He swallowed. I could feel his entire body stiffen against the hammock.

‘Hey.’ I redirected his attention. ‘But I’m here.’ I set my hand on his leg.

‘Why did she hate you so much? What made her want to hurt you?’

I filled my lungs with the cool, damp air. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Don’t you want to know? Don’t you want to understand what made her such a psychotic bitch?’ Evan’s words were weighted with pent-up anger.