Nobody's Goddess (Never Veil #1)(21)

I glimpsed Jurij with his arm around Elfriede as they hugged yet another couple of almost strangers from the village who had come for the free wine and food. I was done celebrating for a lifetime.

As Alvilda hugged her brother goodbye and rubbed a hand in Luuk’s mop of dark curls, Mother whispered something in Father’s ear and the two broke apart, Father’s face clearly full of the reluctance in his heart. He moved across the room to Jurij and Elfriede, and Mother came to visit me, sticking an arm through mine. She fanned a hand over her chest. “It’s hot in here. I thought we might take a walk.”

You mean perhaps I should explain to you in private what I’m doing here in a damp, torn, dirty dress. We made our way through the crowd, Mother smiling and nodding at the few who looked away from their beloveds long enough to offer congratulations. When we broke free of the Great Hall door, I saw that night had already fallen. It was quiet in the village center. For once.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” asked Mother.

Do you want to know why I’m a mess on the outside or on the inside? I clenched my jaw, looking forward. We walked westward, a wise move for a pair of women who might want to scan the horizon from time to time.

“You know, your father wasn’t the first man I loved.”

That made me look at her. “I doubt that!” I wondered if I should point out that their mouths were practically sewn together most of the waking day. And the sleeping night.

Mother grinned. “No, it’s true.” The edges of her mouth drooped somewhat. “Of course, it was a doomed love. One man for every woman.”

“Or no men for one woman.”

Mother rubbed her shoulder into mine and tilted her head. “Come now, Noll, you know what I think about that.”

I shrugged. “It’s all right. I don’t mind, I was just … ” Being angry. “So. Tell me about this man of yours.”

“He wasn’t my man.” She, of course, took what I said literally. “He was Alvilda’s.”

Oh. “But that means—”

Mother tipped her head forward a bit. Her fingers dug into my skin. “He’s there.”

By there, she didn’t mean any of the rows of houses along the path we were walking, nor the fields of crops that went on for leagues until stopped by the western mountains. Certainly not Alvilda’s home at the western edge of the village, where she peddled her woodcarvings as Father’s only competitor.

No, between the fields and Alvilda’s lay a small outcropping of dilapidated shacks. Their roofs had holes in them. Their flooring, I was told, was just dirt and rocks and filth. Each shack looked likely to topple over. It was lucky for the men who lived there that no woman bothered spending much time nearby because if one happened to look up to the castle in the east, surely the entire commune would fall over.

“That’s sad. Still, if Alvilda didn’t love him … ” I knew I’d feel guilty in her place, but there was no avoiding it. “I mean, it doesn’t seem fair that we can’t love who we want to.”

Mother kept the slow pace toward the west, silent for a while. Then she opened her mouth, her lips almost trembling. “Women are not forced by nature to love. When we love, we do so of our own will. Men have no choice. But we have three: love at once, learn to love, or never love at all.”

“You forgot one. Love a man who will never love you.”

Mother squeezed my arm closer to her bosom. “That’s so poor a choice I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”

We didn’t speak for a moment more. At last, I moved my tongue. “But if it does happen?”

Mother stopped. “Then you do the best you can to forget him.”

You don’t know how I feel. You couldn’t have loved that man like I love Jurij. I strained to read her light-brown eyes. In the dying light, I thought I saw the glisten of a forgotten choice. “Do you still love him?”

Mother let go of my arms and fanned a hand at me. “Don’t be ridiculous. I was a child. That was long ago. Before your father found the goddess in me.”

I sighed. Of course. There couldn’t be anything to tarnish the sweet love between my parents. “So what was it about Father? The way he was bound to follow your every order?” Useful for commanding a man to be a lonely loveless girl’s friend, that.

“Noll.” Mother shook her head, but there was a smile on her face. “To tell the truth, that part is sort of … disconcerting. Especially if you forget that anything you say that could possibly be construed as your direct command he does immediately. Even if you were joking.”

“Do the commands and obeying really die down after the Returning like they say?” I snorted, thinking of this morning with Father. “It doesn’t seem that way.” Great. Jurij is going to keep pretending to be my friend, even though I could never live down what happened in the cavern.

“That takes a bit of the pressure off. If it doesn’t appear that way to you, well, that’s just the man acting out of love. But don’t confuse it with pre-Returning commands. Those are absolute.”

I thought of the little scene in the Great Hall. “I’m sure women like Mistress Tailor find that a benefit of not yet Returning their husbands’ affections.”

Mother rolled her eyes. “Yes, well, women like Siofra take advantage of it if you ask me. Maybe some little revenge for the poor men who had no choice but to love them in the first place.”