Nobody's Goddess (Never Veil #1)(17)

The tears were rolling down my cheeks now, and I didn’t know what made me angrier, him just standing there with that stupid wooden expression or the fact that he could see the tears streaming down my face. “Is that just to make Elfriede happy? What, did she command you to stay friends with me just because she didn’t want me to lose all of my friends? Did you think—”

Jurij’s hand stopped moving. “Yes.”

My mouth snapped shut. “I’m sorry?”

“Elfriede commanded me to remain your friend, back when I first told her I loved her and she was overwhelmed by my confession. ‘Go with Noll,’ she told me. ‘Keep being her friend. This is all so sudden. Please go.’ She might have forgotten about it. Or not realized she was issuing a command when she stated it. But she hasn’t told me to stop or said to forget that command, so I’m still bound by it.”

Something bubbled up from my stomach and forced its way out of my mouth, like the simper of a dying wounded animal. It was quiet, but in the echo of the cavern, it grew louder and repeated, reflecting my pain back at me over and over again. I clenched my teeth as hard as possible, not caring about the pain in my jaw, doing everything I could to stop myself from making that sound again.

Jurij snapped up straighter and held his arms outward as if ready to embrace me. “Let me comfort you, Noll.”

I could barely see through the torrent of tears building. “No! You’re just saying that because the command is making you!”

Jurij shook his head and lowered his arms. “Look, Noll, after the Returning, a goddess’s command isn’t really so absolute.”

Tears were spilling out. I thought of stupid Father and the stupid dishes. “What does that matter? You’ll still do everything you can to make her happy.”

“Yes, but … ” He moved closer. “I’m just saying, I’ll show you, I’ll still be your friend. It won’t be because Elfriede commanded it of me.”

I jumped backward out of his reach. “Leave me alone!”

“Noll, I’m sorry!”

I stepped around the stalagmite and farther into the cavern, to the very edge of the candle’s glow. “Go away! You have a Returning to get to, don’t you? Hope you live through it!”

Jurij lunged toward me, desperately grabbing for my arm, but I jumped back, back into the darkness. “Noll, I really do think of you as a friend. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please—”

I turned and ran, not caring that I stumbled over rocks and dips in the ground and whatever else was thrown out there to trip me. I ran as fast as I could, deep into the darkness, farther than I had ever been before. We’d been too afraid to go this far as children. But there was nothing in this cavern more terrifying than the future that lay outside of it.

“Noll!” His voice echoed and faded into the distance behind me.

I ran and ran. There was only darkness for yards. But then, there was a violet glow. It grew closer with each footstep. At last I neared it, putting my hand on the last stalagmite blocking my view as if I could tear it down with my fingers.

A pool, awash with bright violet. A light source, like a roaring, searing fire that burned underneath the depths of the waters. And something else. The laughter of children, the sound of Jurij calling my name. Only his voice was high-pitched, shy, and inviting. Like he’d not yet been corrupted by his goddess.

My feet flew forward across hard, slippery rock, at last puncturing the water’s edge. I wasn’t thinking. But there was no more reason to think. Just to find that laughter.

Though I’d never swum before, I dove. I started kicking and splashing as the water crushed me on all sides. But I was going forward. By all that I had in me, I would find some way to reach that happy sound. I bobbed up and down. Water streamed down my face, from the tips of that frizzy, wild bush of black hair I’d always despised, from the tears welling in my eyes.

The violet light grew blinding, positively blinding, shooting upward from beneath the water’s surface. I closed my eyes to block it.

As I took one last breath of air, my nostrils filled with a scent so strong, my stomach turned wild with waves of nausea. A soaked animal, sopping from the sudden rain. An uncooked fish lying lifeless on a pond’s grassy shore. Wet leather. I’d once spilled a mug at the Tailors’ as they worked the material into clothing.

“Noll!” The sound of Jurij’s voice—his deeper voice, his lost-to-me voice—was the last thing I heard as I tumbled below the water’s surface.

But at the same time, almost an echo of Jurij’s scream, another voice called me, a voice cold and far-flung, even though the emotion entrenched in it more than matched the intensity of Jurij’s terror. “Olivière!”

There were none who truly knew me who would say my actual, feminine name aloud.

My eyes shot open, but the world was a blur around me. The violet light grew dull. The water threatened to fade to darkness, and I knew if I fell down there, I would never, ever get back to the surface.

Is that what you want? Part of me wasn’t sure. I kicked and opened my mouth to scream, but I shut my mouth quickly when instead of sound escaping my lips, water started pouring inside, determined to consume me.

I heard a muffled sound beside me, but I couldn’t make out the words. An arm wrapped around my chest, and I kicked once or twice more before I discovered that kicking wasn’t going to do any good. I went limp in Jurij’s arms, and with his more powerful, focused kicks, we shot upward and broke the surface.