How to Kill Men and Get Away With It(39)

‘Too late, old boy, too late,’ booms a voice from behind me. I swear I hear Charlie whisper ‘fuck sake’.

He sits upright, putting the menu back down on the table, a tight smile on his lips. ‘Harry. How are you?’

A man larger than Charlie with a shock of orange hair and the tell-tale braying laugh of someone with far too much privilege in life, claps a hand – with some force – on Charlie’s back, knocking him slightly forward. With him is a minuscule brunette, whom I definitely recognise but can’t place.

‘I didn’t think this launch party type thing was your scene, Charlton?’ the stranger says, then appears to notice me for the first time. ‘A-ha!’ he says with a lascivious wink. ‘Say no more.’ He stands there, grinning and looking back and forth between me and Charlie. After a few uncomfortable beats of silence, he asks: ‘Aren’t you going to introduce me?’

Charlie rolls his eyes. ‘Kitty, this is my brother Harrington. Harry, this is my friend, Kitty Collins.’

Harry’s eyes grow as big as the side plates. ‘The Kitty Collins?’ He’s talking to Charlie more than me. ‘Bit of a laugh you being in a meat-free place with your family history!’ He brays like a donkey.

‘Hi, I’m Kitty.’ I hold my hand out to the malnourished brunette whom Harry is clearly in no rush to introduce.

‘Bridget.’ She places a limp hand in mine – tiny, like a child’s hand, groomed enough but so weirdly small – and allows me to shake it. I try to smile, but she manages to avoid eye contact completely, keeping her sights firmly on Harry.

‘Well,’ Harry booms. ‘Isn’t this nice?’ He clicks his fingers at the waitress, who, in all fairness to her, doesn’t let her plastered-on smile waver even a micro-millimetre. ‘Be a good girl and grab us two more chairs, doll. May as well park ourselves down with Charlton and his friend. Not often that I run into my little brother on a night out.’

He does another hee-haaw of a laugh, while Charlie mouths ’sorry’ at me.

As if he suddenly remembers I’m there, Harry turns to me. ‘I follow you on Insta actually. Loved the recent bikini shots.’

‘What are you doing here anyway?’ Charlie changes the subject. ‘You’re not going to tell me you’ve given up the steak and burgers?’

‘Nope.’ He points at Bridget. ‘Twiggy over there wanted to come. She quite fancies being an Insta-influencer, Kitty. Perhaps you could give her some tips?’

I look over at Bridget, who’s still staring vacantly at Harry. Has he forgotten to charge her up before bringing her out? I smile, aspartame sweet.

‘Sure. Is there anything in particular you’d like advice on, Bridget?’

Developing a personality perhaps?

Her smile matches mine. ‘No, thank you.’

We sit in a bemused silence for a moment, which is only broken when the buxom waitress comes back, this time with an armful of samples from the taster menu. Harry can’t take his eyes off her chest.

‘Mushroom and artichoke soup, some mini samples of our Plant Believe It’s Not Burger, Plant Believe It’s Not Fish goujons with our No-Ta tartare sauce, No-Rat-atouille tart and our beetroot risotto. All of our dishes are created to give you the most exquisite plant-based taste.’ She reels her script off with a dazzling smile as she sets a huge platter down on our table.

‘I prefer something with a bit more meat on the bones,’ Harry says, practically drooling over her boobs. I see the waitress, who, according to her name badge, is called Donna, prickle slightly under his glare. She hunches her shoulders, crossing her arms over her chest.

‘Well, this is a vegan restaurant, sir, so …’ Her smile wavers a little.

‘I know that! I’m just having a little flirt with you, girlie. Now, be a doll and bring us some more of these wonderful cocktails. There’s a good girl.’

Charlie stares open-mouthed at his brother.

When the drinks come, a painful twenty minutes later, it’s a male server who delivers them. He isn’t nearly as smiley as Donna.





31


UBER CAR, SOHO

‘Well, that was pretty hideous,’ Charlie whispers as we gratefully step into our Uber an hour later. ‘Sorry about Harry. He comes across as a total dick, I know, but he means well.’

‘Don’t apologise!’ I reach for his hand and give it a little squeeze, feeling tension crackle between us. Or it could be static. ‘It was nice to meet him. I didn’t even know you had a brother.’

Charlie groans, puts his hands over his face and slumps down low in his seat. ‘This wasn’t exactly how I was planning to introduce him.’ He peeks at me through his fingers. ‘Do you want to run a mile yet?’

I point at my ridiculously high Jimmy Choos. ‘I don’t think I could.’

‘I usually make sure I’m at least ten dates in before I let anyone meet my family.’ He takes my hand. That crackle again. ‘Can you ever forgive me, Kitty Collins?’

‘I should be asking if you can forgive me for taking you to possibly the weirdest restaurant in the whole of London,’ I say. ‘I still can’t get over that giant ark. Whoever came up with that idea should be … is there a ring of hell for appalling marketing?’