How to Kill Men and Get Away With It(37)

Another pause. Another gulp of wine. The suspense is palpable. This woman should get a job reading audiobooks. You know, if she wasn’t already completely loaded and didn’t need to work.

‘And then what???’ Hen almost screams, making Maisie jump and spill some wine.

‘And then he,’ her voice is a whisper now, ‘and then he asked me to suck his willy. His willy.’ Her head is back in her hands and she’s shake-laughing silently again.

I look at Hen and Tor for the correct response. Hen’s mouth is agape while Tor is also silent laughing, but repeating the word ‘willy’ every time she stops for breath.

This sets Hen off into a fit of laughter too and I join them.

‘He had on his T-shirt and socks,’ Maisie continues once the laughing has calmed. ‘He looked like a fucking potty-training toddler as it was, without sounding like one.’ She pauses and puts her hand over her mouth. ‘Poor Roo. I couldn’t stop laughing.’

‘Oh dear,’ Hen says, holding her pointer finger erect and letting it drop, flaccid, into her palm.

Maisie nods. ‘Yes. Exactly. Anyway, he put his trousers back on.’

‘The red ones?’ I ask.

Maisie gives me a side-eye. ‘Yes. If the detail is crucial, they were red.’

Tor snorts.

‘And then we went downstairs.’

‘I thought he’d already done that bit?’

Hen can’t stop laughing.

Maisie is getting annoyed now. I can tell by the little pink spots that are rising high on her cheekbones. ‘Down the actual stairs to the sitting room, where we were then forced into a discussion about what to call genitalia in a sexual situation.’

‘Oh my God, no. Continue.’

‘So, I told him “cock” is fine. “Dick” is acceptable. And then I sort of got stuck. After that you’re heading into some terrible erotica language. “Throbbing member” and shit like that.’ She’s giggling, almost choking on her wine. ‘I honestly didn’t think I’ll be able to have sex again ever.’

‘Did you get down to it in the end?’ I ask.

Maisie nods. ‘Yes. Funnily enough all the talk about cocks and cunts got us really turned on and we ended up fucking on the sofa.’

‘But the stains!’

‘Well. What are cleaners for if it’s not to mop up sexual bodily fluids?’

The three of them cackle like witches and I feel a prickle of something unpleasant at their laughter.

Tor notices my clear discomfort.

‘Come on, Sour-Kits, she’s just joking. Don’t let your moral compass burst her bubble.’

‘Kitty is the only person I’ve ever met who cleans for the cleaner,’ Hen says.

‘I’m going to the loo,’ I say. Hen boos me as I walk away.

I’m only in there for a moment, looking at myself in the mirror, when Tor follows me in.

‘What’s the matter? You’re not your usual self tonight.’

I sigh. ‘I don’t know. I just feel like we take all this for granted. Like too much sometimes. The world is a really shitty place for most people.’

She puts her arms round me and pulls me into a hug. ‘Oh, you. And that’s exactly why we need to enjoy what we have. God, I could be living in some awful orphanage. I appreciate the life I have, babe. And you know they’re just joking. They’re good girls. You know that.’

‘The thing with Charlie isn’t going anywhere,’ I confess, glumly.

‘Babe. What? Why? I thought there was genuine connection stuff there?’

‘I thought so too.’ I hoist myself up so I’m sat on the vanity unit. ‘He took me to this art exhibition, which was all put on by his charity. There were some amazing things and then we went to the pub – just a regular old man pub but it was so fun and normal – and chatted about everything. I thought it was going so well. He gave me this.’

I pull the Hello Kitty key ring out of my pocket and show her.

‘That’s so cute. What went wrong?’

‘He had to be up early for a meeting so called me an Uber. I was about to invite him up when he dropped in that I can have any images I want from the exhibition if I wanted to highlight it on my Insta.’ I feel my face drop. My heart goes with it.

‘Oh, Kits, no. Are you sure you didn’t take it the wrong way?’

‘Pretty sure. And I’ve not heard from him since last night when I ignored his calls. So I guess I was nothing more than a PR opportunity for him. It reminded me of Adam.’

Tor rubs my knees. ‘Come on, let’s get a car back to yours and eat loads of chocolate and bitch about men. Leave those two loved-up idiots to it. No doubt we’ll be picking up the pieces when it all fucks up eventually.’

I give her a weak smile and let her lead me out of the loos. She tells Maisie and Hen – who are now talking about penis girth loudly and animatedly – that we’re leaving.

‘Actually,’ I tell Tor when the cab we flag down arrives at mine, ‘do you mind if I just go home alone? I sort of want to wallow and go to bed.’

‘You do you, honey.’ She kisses my cheek. ‘Shall I take this one?’

‘Text me when you’re home safely,’ I say and watch as she waves from the back window until the cab is out of sight.