Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(43)

I blow out a huge breath of air when I’m finished, my nerves not quite as shot as they were a few minutes ago. Glancing over at Brent, I see him sitting there with a huge smile on his face, shaking his head at me.

“Never, ever change, Heidi Larson,” he tells me.





Chapter 21





Heidi’s Discount Erotica, Episode 7


“Welcome to Heidi’s Discount Erotica, do-do-do! I’m a little bit in shock right now, and not just because I had the most amazing date in the history of dates last night, but because it looks like I now have a few thousand new listeners! I’m going to assume my friend Penelope Sharp might have mentioned it to her readers—so hi, Penelope Sharp fans! I don’t know whether to thank her or spank her. Oh! That was dirty and I didn’t even mean for it to be. I’m going to try to not be nervous that there are so many of you out there listening to me ramble.

“Just to give you a quick update on the whole ‘finding the new me’ thing, it seems to be going well. I’m starting to realize I don’t need to completely change who I am as a person, on the outside or on the inside. Some people like me just the way I am. I just want to be… more. I want to be a three-dimensional person. I don’t want people to look at me and only think, ‘Oh, she’s so cute.’ I want them to look at me and see lots of things. Things about myself I never even felt before now. I want them to see someone who’s strong, confident, sexy, bold, and fearless. And I want to feel those things within myself as well. I’m getting there. Slowly but surely! And just between you and me, I think my neighbor is going to do a bang-up job helping me get there.

“Oh! I said bang! I didn’t mean it like that! Wait, maybe I did. I’m just out of control!

“Speaking of my neighbor, like I said, our date was amazing. He was amazing. What wasn’t all that amazing was that it ended with a kiss. On the cheek. There was all this crazy tension as we stood there on my front porch at the end of the night, just staring into each other’s eyes, and I thought for sure he would do it. Sadly, no. My friend told me I should have just grabbed his shirt, yanked him to me, and laid one on him. Which of course made me immediately call her crazy. But she’s right. I could have taken charge of the situation and taken what I wanted, but I didn’t. Because I was scared. Because cute, one-dimensional Heidi is still in there somewhere screaming, ‘Oh, my God nooo! What if he laughs at you? What if you suck at kissing and he makes fun of you? What if what happens the night you drunk-texted him happens and you punch him again?’

“No more being scared allowed! I’m putting my foot down. Which brings us to my next exercise. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you—Heidi’s Dirty Dictionary! I will go through the alphabet coming up with as many dirty words as I can, so I can get them all out there in the world and practice just breaking the rules. So, don’t hold it against me. I know you probably know most of these words already, and might even use them daily. Good for you! Oh, if there are kids around, which I really hope going by the name of my podcast there aren’t, but still, if there are kids in your general vicinity, it would be super if you just… send them outside or something. Whew! Here we go.

“A is for… ass. Or asshole.

“B is for… I was gonna say butt. That won’t do. Ummmm, B is for boobs. Breasts. Balls. Oooh, boner! That’s a good one.

“C is for cock. And, you know, the word that rhymes with… punt. Oh! And climax! Yeah, that’s a good one. That’s a reeeally good one… I almost did that last night after all the sweet things my neighbor said to me, and the way he looked at me, and how good he smelled.”

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“Sorry, where were we? Oh yes, D.

“D is for dick.

“E is for… erotic. Yeah, erotic! All I could think of at first was egg, but that’s not dirty. Unless you’re talking about the birds and the bees, but yeah. Not dirty. Very clinical. Okay, moving on! This is so easy!

“F is for, well, fuck, obviously. Oh my God, I can’t believe I said that! Wow, that’s super fun to say! I’m just gonna say it again. Fuck! My, it’s fun to shout. Okay, what else? Well, fornicate. Fellatio, I know that one. But that’s more scientific, so I don’t know if it’s dirty or not. Let’s test it out. I would like to perform fellatio on you. Nope. Not feeling that one. Moving on.

“G is for…. Gosh, what would G be for? Grinding? Yeah, grinding.

“H is for… hop on my lap? No, that won’t do. My goodness, I take back what I said about this being easy. This is hard. Oh! Hard! Yep, that works. H is for hard.

“I is for… inside. As in, he buried himself deep inside me. Oh wow, that’s spicy!

“Okay, J is for juicy. Yeah, that’s good. I mean, J is also for… no. I’m not gonna say that. You know, the stuff that comes out of the guy’s… yeah. That’s not at all appealing to say.

“K is for kinky.

“L is for… laaabia? Is that sexy and dirty? Do women say, “Oooh touch my labia”? Probably not. How about lust? That’s better. L is for lust.

“M is for masturbate. Or mount. I saw that in a book once, so it must be dirty.

“N is for… nookie. No, that’s not dirty. Oh! Necrophilia! Wait, that’s too dirty. And illegal. N is for… narrow space between my legs.