God Bless This Mess(44)
Caught up in the moment and enjoying the fun of it all, I didn’t stop to think about what might happen later. I just rolled with it.
I was there to meet Colton, and when I did, I thought he was just as good-looking as when I’d seen him on TV. But almost immediately I observed that he seemed a lot different when the cameras weren’t rolling. He just seemed more uptight, or something. Something was just off. But I figured, hey, it’s a television show, maybe it would just take some time to get to know each other. And he was everything I wanted on paper, so I wanted to give him that chance. Give myself that chance.
It was weird, though, after seeing Colton on a television show, to be showing up with certain assumptions and feelings about him, and then all of a sudden stepping out of a limousine, onto wet pavement, in front of a mansion, saying hi to him, and then walking into a mansion with all these other girls who were vying for his attention—it felt surreal. Was there that initial spark? Not like I’d expected, honestly, but I figured, Give it time.
When I finally got to sit down with Colton on that first night, they filmed us talking together, and they photographed us talking together, but they never showed that conversation on TV when the show aired. (If you want to know all the details of what happened on air, I encourage you to go rent Colton’s season. It’s definitely some good TV!)
I asked if he would pinkie-promise me something, and he said, “Sure.” We locked our pinkies together, and I said, “We’re gonna have an honesty policy. Like, if you’re having concerns or you’re questioning something, will you just tell me? Because I promise to always be honest with you, and I just want you to promise to always be honest with me.”
“Absolutely,” he said.
“If at any point you’re not feeling it, please just let me know, and I’ll do the same,” I reiterated.
“I will,” he said, as he looked me in the eyes and flashed that charming smile of his.
After all the thinking and list making I’d done about what I wanted in a future husband, honesty was absolutely my number one. I just wanted to be able to trust somebody, and everything I’d seen about Colton—his faith, his values—made me feel confident he could be that person.
I’m honest. I’m trustworthy. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for in a partner.
I don’t think it’s too much for any of us to ask for in a partner. I think we all need honesty in our relationships.
Clearly, when I didn’t have it in the past, it had hurt me. And I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.
Of all the guys on the previous season of The Bachelorette, Colton definitely seemed like the most faithful. I mean, he was a virgin. He was a virgin because of his faith, right? That meant, to me, that his faith was important to him. He’d been true to himself. That says a lot about a person, I thought. And after getting so badly burned by Brady, I was super attracted to someone whose morals and lifestyle seemed more aligned with mine.
Every time we sat down from that day on, I checked in with Colton. The first thing I asked him was, “Are we good? You okay? How are you?” And every time he smiled and said, “Yeah. I’m good. We’re good.”
What’s obvious to anyone who watches the show is that the time contestants spend with the lead is actually super limited. It seems as if every exit speech contains some variation of the phrase, “I wish we had had more time together.” That was definitely true for Colton and me, as it was for Colton and every one of the girls who got a rose and stuck around from week to week. He would be off on group dates, or on one-on-one dates, and there were times when there was all this stuff happening with other girls, and we didn’t know about any of it. Some of us would learn things only after they aired the following January! It’s kind of crazy trying to get to know someone and trust someone with such a small amount of time together, but everyone kept telling me, “Trust the process. It works!”
So I did. I trusted the process. I trusted myself. I trusted that God wouldn’t have led me down this road if I wasn’t supposed to be there.
The Colton I did see, and the one I heard about from some of the other girls when they came back from their dates with him, wasn’t exactly the same guy I’d seen on TV. In some ways, he didn’t line up with all the characteristics I was looking for in a husband. There were times I wanted to leave. I’d think, I don’t know if Colton is right for me. But everyone kept telling me to see it through, and I wanted to see it through. If it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen, I just kept thinking. That’s just the way God’s will works.
The idea of getting engaged to Colton wasn’t about winning for me, despite what some fans and some of the other girls thought. It was just this I-wanna-know-if-this-could-work feeling. It was the purest thing. It truly was never about being the best on the show. I mean, I’m an achiever, but it wasn’t that: I wanted love. I wanted it so bad I would have done anything to get someone to really love me in the way I wanted to be loved.
On our first date, I wasn’t ready to open up. I went into the first night feeling very rehearsed and ready, as if it were a pageant. But we went on our first one-on-one date the very next day. I had only been there two days. I had barely ever watched the show. I didn’t know what to expect, or what to do.
There were GoPro cameras mounted in the car. I was nervous. I wasn’t ready for this. If this was really the guy I was going to be with, I wanted to be myself with him—and in front of all those cameras, I didn’t feel ready to be myself with anyone.