God Bless This Mess(49)

I’d resisted that message for a very long time. And unfortunately, I wasn’t done resisting it. He’d have to tell me a few more times before I’d fully give in, but that night, after receiving that call and hearing that news, I heard Him. I decided to take a leap of faith.

I had no idea just how crazy the next year of my life was about to get.

I had no way of knowing just how far I was gonna stray from my connection to the Lord in the coming year, either.

But that afternoon, I said a little prayer. A prayer I probably should’ve been praying my whole life, and one I would definitely end up praying again down the road.

“Lord,” I said, “I don’t understand why you’ve chosen me for this. I don’t understand: Why me? I don’t even know if I can handle this ride you’re about to put me on. But I trust You. I trust that You know what You’re doing. So please, please, bless me through this ride.”





Chapter 16


What Happens in Windmills


I left for LA the same day they told me I’d been chosen.

At the airport, they told me I was going to be on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. I’d dreamed about being in the audience of the Ellen show some day. I’d watched her and danced in my living room at the top of every show. I had wanted to be her for years. I kept thinking, How is this all happening?

When we touched down, they put me into three straight days of fittings. I walked into the stylist’s home full of racks and racks full of dresses and coats, a kind of luxury I had never even seen before, and I felt completely overwhelmed with fear, doubt, and anxiety as they tried to dress me like a Bachelorette was expected to dress.

Okay, so I’m the Bachelorette, I thought as I looked at myself in the mirror. But will people like me?

I broke down crying.

The show had never chosen a Bachelorette who wasn’t in the final four of the prior Bachelor season. I was coming in as the underdog, and I knew some fans of the show were going to be disappointed about that.

I thought the men might be disappointed, too.

They had all applied and been chosen before knowing I was the girl they’d be pursuing. I knew it was going to be a surprise to them to find out it was me. I struggled with not feeling I was “worthy” to be the Bachelorette. I couldn’t even say it. Like, the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth: “I’m the Bachelorette.”

It felt to me as if they had chosen the wrong Hannah.

A girl named Hannah Godwin was the runner-up for Colton’s heart. She is gorgeous. She’s another Alabama girl, and is the sort of Insta model every man wants to date.

I’m the other girl. The one who growls and voluntarily eats bugs.

That’s what I was feeling when the first limo drove up.

*

I already told you a little bit about my first two nights on The Bachelorette, way back at the very beginning of this book. I mentioned that I was immediately physically attracted to Tyler the moment he stepped out of the limousine. (Whew, that boy was good-looking.) But I was drawn to a few of the other guys on the first night, too. (Spoiler alert: these guys made it to my final four.)

Peter, the dark-haired pilot, had something so nice and charming about him. He showed up in his pilot’s uniform, and who doesn’t love a man in uniform? I thought it was so sweet when he gave me his wings—the aviator badge that’s only issued to pilots. I was intrigued.

I felt a spark with Luke, too, who I had briefly met on “After the Final Rose” at the end of Colton’s season. It was refreshing to see a familiar face, especially when we sat down and he told me that he was there to take this seriously and to win my heart. It felt like he was being intentional with me. Like he was 100 percent dialed in. He made it clear in that blue-eyed stare that he was there for me. He was a little aggressive about it, wrapping his arm around my back and holding my waist as he spoke to me, but there was something reassuring about how sure he was. (That’s why I gave him the first-impression rose—another really big deal, which you know if you’re a Bachelor/Bachelorette fan.)

And Jed, being a southern boy from Nashville, offered a sense of familiarity as well. Plus, he made a super-fun first impression. I’m a sucker for music, and when he sat down and sang me a song he wrote just for me? Ahhhh. Was it cheesy? Yes! But it was fun. I like a guy who can be silly, and the passion of a musician is just hard to pass up.

Honestly, meeting so many men so quickly was overwhelming. The television part was new to me, but really, so was dating. The five men I had kissed in my whole life had all been serious relationships, and the two men I’d slept with were men I loved. I didn’t have flings. I didn’t have casual sex. I didn’t even have casual kisses! I told myself that I was gonna let loose a little bit and have fun on The Bachelorette, but I also told myself to stay true to my values.

A big part of that was telling myself that I wouldn’t have sex with any of the men on the show. It’s basically insinuated that the Bachelors and Bachelorettes are intimate with each other for the first time in the Fantasy Suites, which are special one-on-one overnight dates that happen once the contestants are narrowed down to the final few. But I had never had sex with somebody after only a couple of months of knowing them, and this entire show was shot over eight weeks! There was just no way I would ever feel comfortable enough to do that, I thought. And I really didn’t want to have any more sex before marriage, anyway. It had only ended up in heartache for me. At least that’s what I told myself. I thought if I fell in love and got engaged to someone at the end of the season, anything that happened after that would be up to the two of us, when there weren’t any cameras around. And if we were going to be married? Well, maybe then we could talk about it.