God Bless This Mess(42)
“Right?” she said. “I just thought y’all were so much alike. And I don’t know. I have a feeling. I really think it’s going to be Colton.”
Colton Underwood was not the person most people assumed would be the next Bachelor. I was quickly discovering all sorts of social media that followed the series obsessively, and he just wasn’t the number one choice of most fans. So it was kind of amazing that this woman was thinking the same thing I was thinking.
“I want it to be him so bad,” I told her. “I can’t see myself with anybody else.”
It was also kind of amazing to me that she had filled out an application for me. I mean, we only had one conversation about the breakups I’d been through. We talked about it one day when we were riding together in the car to get to a beach to shoot some video. That was it.
I started to wonder if maybe this whole thing was meant to be. Like maybe this wasn’t something random.
In Atlanta, I had fun, just like my mom wanted me to—mostly because I had no expectations about what might happen. They put me in a room with some of people who worked on the show, and they turned a camera on, and they asked me all about me. I was so used to answering questions in front of a microphone that I just put on my Pageant Patty smile and answered whatever they asked. It was easy.
My childhood best friend, Olivia, also happened to be in Atlanta, so I got a chance to see her that trip as well. It really felt like everything made sense. As if maybe this was about taking a path I never would have chosen for myself, but which definitely felt like the right path.
Apparently the producers liked the answers I gave in Atlanta, ’cause after I got back to Alabama they called again, and they asked me if I could come to the final round of auditions in LA.
“I don’t know if I can afford to fly out there,” I said. I didn’t have any money. I had just spent a fortune on the dress and preparation for Miss USA.
“Oh, no,” they said. “We’ll fly you out.”
How could I say no to a free trip to LA?
I flew out, they put me up in a nice hotel, and soon I walked into a conference room with a bunch of producers who ran the show.
“Just so you know,” I told them, “I’m not doing this unless it’s Colton.”
They laughed, but I was dead serious. I think my attitude surprised them. I clearly wasn’t desperate to be on their show. I didn’t care one way or the other, and I think that worked in my favor. I wasn’t faking anything. I wasn’t super nervous. I wasn’t trying too hard.
I was just me.
They turned a camera on, and they asked me questions, and I smiled and started listing off my accomplishments, including what I’d been up to in my year as Miss Alabama USA. But they stopped me. They started asking deeper questions, about my family and how I grew up.
Honestly, I had never been asked those kinds of questions in my whole life. As I think I already mentioned, my parents didn’t believe in therapy. So I’d never had anybody other than a close friend ask me questions about my personal life, or my emotions, or the guys I’d dated, and I’d certainly never had anyone try to dig down into my personality traits to see how I might react to different situations. It felt good to me that somebody was listening and wanted to see me.
I was just talking all sweet and stuff when one of the casting people asked whether I ever had road rage. I didn’t really want to admit that I did, so I started to talk about how I never cussed. My parents cussed, but at that point I had trained myself to say “frick” or “fridge” instead of the F-word, and “shizz” or “shat” instead of the S-word.
But the more I kept talking, the more I realized that I do get road rage. Sometimes I full-out scream in my car, and sometimes I cuss when I scream.
Before I knew it, I was opening up and admitting to myself that I held this little tank of rage in a spot beside my stomach.
No, I kept thinking. I’m full of joy! But this interview felt like what I imagined therapy would feel like; like I’d cracked and opened up a feeling I didn’t want to acknowledge. I thought those casting folks were looking for the perfect girl, the pageant girl, and such a big part of me is definitely that, and definitely filled with joy. But if you’ve read this far, you know that’s not my full story.
I couldn’t believe how much I was opening up, and to strangers. I liked it. And it kind of made me wonder if going on The Bachelor would help me do that more.
I was open and honest with them. I was “real” with them. And two weeks later they called and told me they were prepared to offer me a spot on the show.
I asked them if Colton was going to be the Bachelor, and they said they couldn’t tell me, but it was implied that I was gonna be happy if I said “Yes.”
They gave me a few hours to think about it, and one of the first things I did was reach out to Brady.
I know, I know. But I still had feelings for him. I wanted to let him know I had an opportunity to go on a TV dating show. I wanted to see if he would stop me. A big part of me was hoping he would stop me. Even after everything that had happened, I wanted him to fight for me . . . because if he did, then maybe it could still be us.
But he didn’t. He didn’t even try. And that was pretty much the last straw for me. So I finally let it go. Of all things, deciding to go on The Bachelor was what finally helped me get over him. Praise the Lord!