God Bless This Mess(40)

I made lists one day of what Austin taught me, and what Brady taught me, and guess what? Neither of them, individually, had all the qualities I wanted and needed in order to be happy. But between them, they each offered so much that I loved.

From Austin, I learned that I wanted to be in a relationship where I could talk about our faith and mention Jesus in everyday conversations, naturally, and often. Austin was so sure of his faith that I didn’t need to think about it. It came easy to us. It came naturally for him.

Austin was fun, and silly, which meant we laughed together. He was a hard worker. He was a man’s man. He was great with kids, and he was great with me. He would clean my car sometimes without me asking. He would make me breakfast. He would do the things that I don’t necessarily love doing, which made life easier for me, but he was also someone who wouldn’t always put up with my crap. If I was being needy or selfish in some way, he would call me on it, and yet do it in a way that didn’t hurt me. He was also very accepting of the fact that he wasn’t perfect, either, which again just made our relationship feel natural. I loved all of that.

But with Brady, I had this passionate love. We knew each other physically so well, and I want that in the future for sure. Passion is a big thing for me, and not just in the bedroom or the back seat of a pickup truck. I love having passionate conversations. I liked to go fishing with Brady just because he loved fishing so much and would get so excited when he talked about it. On the other hand, Brady wouldn’t dance with me, even when we went out to our favorite bar. I want a guy who’ll dance with me! Is that too much for a girl to ask?

I want someone who’s intelligent, and who’s going to be successful. They both had that going for them. But I want to be successful, too, and I want a man who isn’t afraid to let me be the star of the show. Austin and I were both stars, and it felt like everything was a competition at times. Brady was much more willing to just sit back and clap for me. Even when I went to LA for my internship, we talked, and he said, “It is so cool to see you being independent and taking charge of your life.”

I wanted a husband—someday—who could be all of those things.

But I still wasn’t ready to look for him. I had a pageant to win. And I don’t know if it was the stress of that, or if something was up with my hormones, or what, but in the months leading up to Miss USA, I developed the worst acne of my life.

My skin actually hurt, like I was wearing a mask that was on too tight.

I caked on makeup to try to cover it up, and of course that only made the acne worse. People in the pageant world kept saying, “What are we going to do about your skin?”

It hurt my self-confidence so bad, I actually canceled some of my public appearances. And that made me feel even worse. I had sponsors spending money to support me, and I felt like I was letting them down, even though it wasn’t my fault. I tried a bunch of different medications and treatments, and none of it worked.

My body was stressed out, and what I’m kind of realizing now is that I might have been dealing with a little bit of anorexia. I didn’t know it at the time, but I feel like a lot of people who have had eating disorders sometimes don’t know it until they’re out of it, sometimes for years.

It started with the breakups, being so heartbroken that I physically couldn’t eat. But then I continued the not-eating habit straight through the Miss Alabama USA pageant, and for quite a while afterward. I was so stressed and kept myself so busy that I would think about eating, but then think, “Oh, I don’t have to eat. You survived the post-breakup not eating just fine!” I convinced myself that it was okay to eat nothing but one protein bar per day. I mean, today I can see that was clearly a problem. At the time, I thought it wasn’t. But a lone protein bar a day is not enough.

I justified it because when I ate like that, I dropped weight fast, and I didn’t have to work out that much. Then people started praising me about my body because I am naturally athletic. When I drop weight, I look thin, but still strong. So it looked like I was working out when I was quietly thinking, Oh, so all I have to do is not eat, and people think I look good.

Because my acne was so out of my control, I put all my effort into trying to control my body. I would get so skinny that you could see my natural muscles, whether or not those muscles were strong. No one knew how stressed I was. No one knew how depleted I was. At the expense of my own health, I finally got the thigh gap I always wanted.

I worked with a trainer for the final few days before the Miss Alabama USA pageant, and I ended up having to gain weight. For a beauty pageant.

“You’re so skinny right now,” my trainer said, “we need to add back a little bit of curve on you.”

I just couldn’t seem to please everyone, no matter what I did. I could not make my body look like some other person’s, and when I did, it’s because I was having health issues. I was underweight.

I sit at about 145 pounds when I’m healthy, and at one point I was 118. I dropped from a size 4-6 to a size 00.

There were times during this period when I had friends ask if I was okay because I was so skinny. I looked sick to them. Yet in the pageant world, that’s exactly when people would tell me I looked good.

There’s one picture of me where my face is so thin you can see a vein in my face, and I used to think that was one of my best looks! I see that picture differently now.

Before I knew it, the big Miss USA pageant was right around the corner—and my face looked awful because of the acne. My confidence was shot.