Fight Night(22)

7.

Early this morning Mom went off to have an ultrasound of Gord that we could put on the fridge and Grandma was sitting at her table playing online Scrabble with a person whose code name was SINtillating. I don’t want to put a naked picture of Gord on the fridge, I said to Grandma. That’s mean and stupid. Grandma said Gord is a fetus in utero, not naked. What happens to a kid if everyone in her family is insane? I asked Grandma. Well, for starters, said Grandma, I think quite a bit of anxiety? I nodded. And … being scared? said Grandma. I nodded. And sad? Mmmmhmmmm, I said. And angry? said Grandma. Hmmm, I said. Why do you ask? said Grandma. Are you writing a story?

I dropped to the floor to pick up her hearing aid batteries and morning pills.

Come, said Grandma. She leaned over and pulled me up off the floor. She pulled me right into her lap. She rocked me back and forth like a baby. Her arm knocked her other pills off the table and also her computer mouse. They just lay on the floor. She rocked me and rocked me. SINtillating is waiting for you to make a move, I said. I had a hard time saying it. Grandma laughed. I lost this game a long time ago, she said. But it’s not good to forfeit, I said. You were the one who said the Raptors had to play hard to the final buzzer! Get your head in the game, Grandma!

All right, she said. She banged her fist on the table. Let’s do it!

I got off her lap and picked up the mouse from the floor.

Grandma made a word. SINtillating wrote back on the side of the board in the comments section: Oh, damn, I thought you’d forfeited.

Never! wrote Grandma. Your move.

Grandma and I waited and waited. Grandma drummed her fingers on the table. I chewed my nails. Finally, SINtillating made a word: lozenge. Whoa! said Grandma. Nice one. A bingo with a zed! Grandma moved her arms up and down to worship SINtillating like she’d just made a half-court three at the buzzer. Grandma was on the ropes. She made a word that wasn’t a word, using SINtillating’s zed. Blazen. What is that? I said. Nothing, said Grandma. I’m calling her bluff. It’s my only hope.

Grandma and I stared at the screen waiting for SINtillating to accept the word or to challenge. Grandma was smiling. She was really enjoying this bluff. SINtillating started typing something on the side of the board. Oh shit, said Grandma. She’s challenging it! Then SINtillating deleted what she was typing. Grandma and I went back to waiting. I was so nervous, but Grandma laughed. SINtillating made another word on the board—which meant she’d accepted blazen! Grandma and I did our sitting victory dance. In the end Grandma lost the game but she was so happy that she’d got away with blazen. I knew she would tell Mom about it the instant Mom walked through the door.

After that, Grandma told me she wanted to get a manicure, a pedicure, a haircut and electrolysis on her chin hair. She was going to take the bus and the streetcar all the way to Scarborough to visit the woman she always sees about this stuff. I like her! said Grandma. It’s worth the trip. She does it in her home. Grandma asked me if I wanted to go with her. We could stop along the way and look at the lake and skip stones into it. She would show me how.

You’ll have a heart attack! I said. She said no, in all the records of all the causes of heart attacks there has never been any mention of skipping stones. In fact, heart attacks are avoided by skipping stones, she said. And by flossing, I said. If you say so! said Grandma. I looked at the hairs on Grandma’s chin. I can pull them out with tweezers, I said. She said no, they’d grow back thicker and darker until she would have a full beard like James Harden. Then she asked me if I knew why she suddenly wanted to get all this stuff done to her. Before I could answer, she said because she’s going on a trip!

What do you mean? I asked her. She told me she had made a decision that morning to go to California to see her nephews in Fresno. Does Mom know? I asked. Not yet, said Grandma. Scorched earth, I said. I know it, said Grandma. Which is why I must frame it carefully. And which is why I need you to get my credit card and go into my computer to book me a ticket now before Mom gets home. I don’t want to aid and abet you in crime, I said. It’s not a crime, said Grandma. It’s not a contravention of the criminal code to visit your nephews in Fresno. If the ticket is booked and paid for then your Mom will have a harder time telling me I shouldn’t go. It’s now or never, said Grandma. I can still breathe, that’s the main thing. And Gord will be here soon and I won’t want to go on a trip then. And it’s cool enough yet in Fresno that I shan’t perish (she said perish like “pedish” to sound like the British ladies in her shows) in the heat. I’ve already talked to Lou and Ken on the phone and they’re really excited about me coming—so teddy not and fitch my red purse!

Grandma slowly opened the lid of her computer with both hands like she was peeking into a coffin. Let’s do it, Swiv!

It took a long time. It was confusing and I kept timing out and having to start over. Partway through we heard something at the front door and Grandma said oh Lord, here comes the reckoning! But it was just flyers getting pushed through the slot. Do you agree not to bring explosives onto the plane? I asked Grandma. She said yes, yes, just say yes to everything and click on continue. Well why don’t you do it if you know how! I said. Grandma said no, no, that would take forever with her useless hands. When this thing busts open they’re gonna find my fingerprints all over it! I said. Will you take the fall for me? said Grandma. You’re a minor so they’ll give you a reduced sentence. I’ll visit you every day. Do you want a window or aisle seat? I said. Aisle! said Grandma. When my diuretic kicks in I’ll have to make a mighty beeline for the toilet. Peeline, I said. And you should walk around on the plane every thirty minutes so you don’t get a blood clot. All righty, Shecky Greene, said Grandma. I’ll have to get you to put my compression socks on me, she said. Oh no! I said. Not the compression socks! I put a fake gun to my head and blew my brains out. Are we done? said Grandma. You have to switch planes in San Francisco, I said. Fun and games! said Grandma. She started to sing a song about leaving her heart in San Francisco. Will ninety minutes be enough time to get to the other terminal? I asked her. You can barely walk! Grandma said oh yeah, she’d get someone to push her in a wheelchair. Not a problem, not a problem. I typed in her credit card number and pushed purchase. Boom! I said. It’s done. Ma’am, you’ve just won an all-expenses-paid round trip to Fresno, California! Man! said Grandma. We’re racking up the W’s. Grandma and I did the sitting victory dance again. I wanted to ask Grandma how you could leave your heart in some city and then sing about it because you’d obviously be dead.