Fight Night(25)

Mom gargled oregano oil when she was finished sawing and didn’t wipe it off the sink when she spit it out. I had been planning to talk to Mom about her letter-writing assignment but now I was too mad to be professional about it.





8.

Today was Thursday and Grandma and I went to Scarborough for her bodywork. Mom helped Grandma shower and wash her hair even though Grandma likes it better when I help her because I’m more gentle, and I did all our laundry for the trip to Fresno and went to Shoppers for Grandma’s meds. The pharmacist’s name is Zainab and she’s a friend of ours now because we’re such regulars and she knows everything about Grandma’s drugs and always phones to remind her when it’s time to renew them. One time she even brought them over to our house and stayed for conchigliettes and told us pharmacy stories about mixing up prescriptions and getting sued and people going nuts and dying and anyway, they’re all confidential. Today she asked me if Grandma was finally ready for the bubble packs and I said no way, Zainab! Not the bubble packs! Bubble packs mean the end! Zainab said okay, okay, Swiv, I’m joking, I’m joking. Why do you always shout? I told her because Grandma is hard of hearing and Mom is hard of listening so I have to yell all day long. I even yell in my dreams. Zainab understands me. I get you, I get you, she said. She repeats things I say. All day long, she said. In your dreams.

On the way to Scarborough, Mom rode on the bus with us for four blocks and got mad at three men for not letting her or Grandma sit on the bench for old and pregnant people. I had already found another seat for Grandma and Mom didn’t really look very pregnant with her giant Inspector Gadget coat on, so how were those men supposed to know? But naturally Mom got mad anyway and said, Excuse me, but these seats aren’t meant for you? The men were all deaf or they didn’t want to answer her and they just stared at their phones or into space. Mom said she was pregnant and her mother was elderly so could the men give them their seats? One of the guys said congratulations but didn’t move. Then Grandma hollered at Mom from the front of the bus and said, Honey, it’s fine, Swiv found me a seat! Plus, Mom was getting off in five seconds at the theatre so why would she even want to sit down and then leap up again right away? Mom said okay, but that’s not really the point, and then she stopped talking and stood there silently like a normal person, which was such a relief that I almost started crying.

But then no, she couldn’t bear to be normal for more than four seconds and she said to the woman standing next to her that this kind of thing made her mental and I wanted to tell the woman standing next to her that every kind of thing made Mom mental and do not respond! Grandma didn’t hear anything and just sat happily beside me reading one of her Dead Heat sections. I noticed a teenager looking at Grandma’s sawed up book and the teenager saw me looking at her and then looked away. My family should never be out in the world.

The woman standing next to Mom said, I know, right? I lose my shit. Mom had found a crazy friend! I looked out the window and saw the theatre where Mom rehearses and turned around to look at Mom and beg her with my eyes to get off the bus now, but without saying goodbye to me and without drawing any attention whatsoever to the fact that we know each other. Oh! said Mom. My stop! Bye, honey! she said. Don’t forget to cross at the lights with Grandma! Which made it sound like I was a stupid little kid who didn’t know how to even live. When Grandma was the one who was hell bent for leather and wanted to jaywalk but was too slow and distracted to dodge the cars properly and would almost get killed every time. Mom pushed herself and Gord through the people standing in the aisle and bent down to give me and Grandma kisses and then had to shout at the bus driver, who was closing the door, Wait, wait, this is my stop! The driver opened the door again and shook his head and Mom said thank you and bye guys, bye honey in a loud voice, waving directly at me and then finally got off the fucking bus.

Stay safe, Gord, I said in my head. You are in a very dark place. I’ll tell Grandma to pray for you because she’s part Christian. My face hurt. I tried to drop my shoulders and read Dead Heat along with Grandma to take my mind off being the daughter of the world’s most unstable person. Then the lady Mom had made friends with was suddenly standing beside me and said in an even louder voice than Mom, Oh man, your mom is awesome! She said it so loud that even Grandma heard her and she said, She is indeed! She’s my daughter! One of the guys who hadn’t given Mom his seat heard it too and said Mom was a crazy bitch. Mom’s new friend said, She’s not a crazy bitch, you’re a crazy bitch. The other two men who wouldn’t give up their seats started laughing. Then Mom’s new friend said to Grandma, Oh wow! You guys are three generations! Which was like an obvious thing not an oh wow thing. One of the guys said, Suck it, bitch! Grandma said, That we are! Aren’t I lucky? Mom’s new friend said, Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit! The bus driver looked at everyone in his rear-view mirror and said they had to behave themselves or get off the bus. The lady talked away in her loud voice about wishing she could come home with us and be in our family!

I had to do something. I couldn’t slice my head off by slamming the window on it because they were sealed up to keep children safe. I stood up and said, Oh, Grandma, this is our stop, c’mon! Grandma said, What? We’re nowhere near Scarborough! I said, I know, but first we had to stop at this other place called … I quickly looked out the window … For Your Eyes Only. Grandma looked out the window. What do you want with a Gentlemen’s club, Swiv? she said. She started laughing with Mom’s new friend. I pulled Grandma up from her seat and stuffed her book section into my backpack. Because it’s where we’re going, I said. Bye, I said to the lady. I whispered it. Okay! said Grandma. She shrugged. Looks like we’ve got an interesting itinerary! I pulled Grandma off the bus without saying thank you to the driver. Mom can’t stand it when people say thank you to the driver when they get out at their stop, but Grandma thinks it’s a decent thing to do. She told Mom that people clap and applaud when Mom does her job of acting so why shouldn’t people clap for pilots when they land the plane or say thank you, at least, to a bus driver? Mom said applause seems sarcastic and bizarre, she hates applause even for herself, and Grandma asked her how the audience is supposed to express their gratitude for her performance and Mom said just by sitting there quietly. Mom is really embarrassed by people jumping to their feet and clapping their hands together like fucking idiots. When she hears clapping Mom gets really sad. Grandma said that’s because it means the show is over. Mom talked about her hatred of applause in therapy but when the therapist tried to understand what she meant Mom said aaahhh, yeah, you know what? Fuck it, just fuck it. Grandma said thank you to the bus driver and he nodded very slowly. My pleasure, he said. Enjoy your day. Grandma wanted to say more about her day but I pulled and pulled on her arm and the driver shut the door and we were finally alone on the sidewalk.