Fight Night(26)

Grandma read the sign more closely and then she stood back and looked at the giant pictures of naked women and started laughing her ass off again because I of all people had wanted to get out at a strip club. She had to lean against the building, right against one of the pictures of the naked ladies, to catch her breath. I walked a way down the sidewalk so nobody would see me standing outside For Your Eyes Only and left Grandma there struggling all by herself to live. She finally finished getting her breath back and I said c’mon, Grandma, let’s go! I mean it! And then, believe it or not, she posed on the sidewalk in the same position as the naked lady in the picture with her knees bent a bit and her butt poking out and her hands on her boobs. I looked down at the sidewalk for things to kill myself with. There was nothing but globs of spit and cigarette butts and a flyer about the end of the world and then Grandma was beside me and she took my arm, laughing, and said hoooooooooo boy, where to next?



We finally made it to the lady’s house in Scarborough. It felt like we were Luath and Bodger in The Incredible Journey. Grandma and the lady, whose name is Roxanne, talked and talked while Grandma got her manicure, pedicure, electrolysis and haircut which included a stacked nape. We were in Roxanne’s basement salon. Roxanne’s husband was home from work because he was sick. We heard him stomping around upstairs but we never saw him.

Grandma was so excited about our trip. She told Roxanne all about Lou and Ken and about all the people she’d watched die in Fresno. Roxanne asked her what colour of nail polish she wanted and Grandma said she’d take the Lady Balls which was the colour of the tomato sauce we put on our conchigliettes. Roxanne tried to get me to let her put nail polish on me. I said no because I eat my fingernails, and Roxanne said having nail polish might stop me from eating them. I just need to eat them, I told Roxanne. I don’t want to get poisoned. Grandma nodded and said yes, I was at that kind of a time in life when I needed to eat my fingernails. I said, Grandma, I’ve always eaten my fingernails. So far, said Grandma, that’s true. Roxanne said she understood. She also used to eat her fingernails. She also used to eat dirt when she had a disease called pica. Now she buys special dirt from the health food store that she can eat instead of digging it up in the back yard. It’s the texture of it that she really loves. Grandma said, Well, good for you! You have to eat a peck of dirt before you die.

Roxanne rubbed Grandma’s legs with cream. She had to work hard to roll up Grandma’s track suit pants. Grandma had her feet in a tub of hot water. I could tell she was so happy. She put her head back and closed her eyes. She told Roxanne to look at her twisted roots and Roxanne laughed. She said, Well you’re getting old, and Grandma said, I’m not getting old, I am old! Roxanne massaged Grandma’s feet. Grandma chose the colour You Couldn’t Handle Me Even If I Came With Instructions for her toes.

Then Grandma had her electrolysis and it was terrible to see. I couldn’t watch. Roxanne had a sharp needle she plugged in and then zapped Grandma’s chin and upper lip with it. I asked Grandma if it hurt and she said hardly! Everything made her laugh. Even if she’s not laughing Grandma’s head involuntarily bobs up and down. Roxanne had to take a break from zapping for Grandma’s head to stop. Roxanne was very patient. She put on music by a band called ABBA while we waited for Grandma. Grandma said she knew that band! I thought she was lying to make Roxanne feel good but then she started singing along to a song called “Chiquitita.” She sang in a serious, dramatic way, the way she helps Mom rehearse her lines. The first line of the song was about this girl being tied up with her own sorrow. Grandma sang all the verses, she was getting more and more dramatic with every verse. Then Roxanne started singing with her. She knew the words, too! They both looked at me while they sang like they were trying to tell me something urgent. They sang the final verse which was about being sad, but also about the sun. They were shouting at me!

Finally they stopped. I smiled. I was afraid that if I clapped or said encore they would sing another song that would end with them shouting messages at me. I slowly looked away so that Roxanne would get back to work on Grandma’s chin and we could go home. The guy upstairs kept stomping around. Roxanne said he drives her nuts. Roxanne waited for Grandma to catch her breath from singing and for her head to be still and then started zapping her again.

On the streetcar home nothing embarrassing happened except for Grandma asking me if I’d had a bowel movement that day. But she whispered it. She was making progress. There was hardly anybody on the streetcar except for a man who told us an alien had stuck a transmitter into his ass and was tracking him. Grandma said ouch and he said he can’t feel it anymore but he knows it’s there. Then Grandma and the man started talking about the Raptors and the man couldn’t believe how much Grandma knew about basketball. She showed off by telling him all sorts of stats. The man said there were some things that were easy to learn about just by watching TV, like the Raptors. And there were other things that were harder, like aliens having to learn about humans by implanting transmitters into their butts. Grandma told the man that was very true, she’d rather learn by watching TV than by putting devices into peoples’ rear ends. The man said, Well, true is true, it’s like unique, it can’t be very true or somewhat unique. It’s just true and it’s just unique. Then he said, You get me? I said I get you, I get you, like Zainab from the pharmacy. We all fist-bumped. The man sighed really hard after that like he’d just finished all his work for the day.